Long Overdue.

hello everyone.
its been a long time since i've written anything about my unexciting life here.
its been almost 3 weeks since As ended, and my laptop is at the repairs now, so I'm using my dad's lappy to type this.
don't feel comfortable using other people's laptop to blog, but since I'm not doing anything, I guess I better write stuff here before I forget all about them haha.
so much for promising again and again taht I will write something here as soon as As ended hahahaha. #procasination ftw.

shall try to be as detailed as possible, cause I want myself to remember what happened during this 3 weeks when I read this entry, maybe years later.
don't want it to be ike the blog entries months ago which I cannot recall much about. (well, its mostly private, and I wouldn't want to think about those stuff anyway. only makes me sad.)

so, its 10.41pm.
lets start now.
see how long I actually take to write this post!

where shall I start?
after As?
hehehe.
_____________________________________________________
k so anyway, the A level papers were.. idk.
not eactly tough, but ot eactly easy either.
would have aced it if I actually did study for them.
but.. nvm. heh. Just hope that my grades turn out to be decent enough for me to land my ass in NUS (at least) or the CN Yang's Programme at NTU and get a scholarship.

I wasnt nervous or anything.
that was what actually stressed me out haha.
I was stressed out at certain periods of time.
maybe. 15 minutes - 1 hour before each paper, and THE DAYS LEADING UP TO THE GEOGRAHY PAPERS.
but oh well it went relatively well considered how much I studied.
_____________________________________________________
anyway, after the chem MCQ papers, the class guys went out for LAN while the girls went home to watch MAMA hahahahaha stupid kpop.
lol but anyway yah lah we bio jio them so.. hehheheheheh.
not enough computers so hanren dylan and I played pool instead.
and I always lost >: lost touch already sigh (not that I'm very good haha)

then went off to play CS and I LOST AGAIN HAHA.
I've never won any game except for the first CS game I played so.. HAHA.
_____________________________________________________
k so the next day, the class met up in the afternoon (nope we didn't meet up in the morning cause no one wanted to watch 'apple of my eye' with me ): obbb ) and we bought some stuff for the chalet.
went down and reached aloha changi at 3pm, and then everyone played cards and the xbox while I sort of stoned (sigh)
anyway, went down to changi village for dinner where we ate prawn mee heheh. (woah its been a few weeks already yet i still can remember heheh)

then went on for night cycling hahahaha.
went to collect the bikes with tiong ann, and talk for a little.
well I can't exactly remember what we talked about, except for the class, and maybe a little about his bro. (haha I was comparing his bro to myself and I found that we have quite a number of similarities)

then we waited for everyone to reach (HAHA MX was the latest cause he had to pass his mum's IC back to her)
and we set off.

went along changi coast, down along the long airport road, east coast park, then went up to all the other park connectors, up to bedok reservoir (HAHA we got lost at one point cause the park connector was cut off at the HDB flat and I almost led everyone up the wrong way back to hougang )': later on)
haha also not forgetting zuhair's legs cramped up 4 times and mx and jiahong had to go buy deep heat for him at 7-11, and also how tiong ann's bike broke down twice HAHA.
then hanren was suaning him about how his grades are good but he an't fix a bike haha!
and he many overhead bridges we had to cross, and the nightbreeze, and stopping at kembangan for a 'short' break hahahah.
boohoo no lightsticks but nvmmmm heh (: at least we're alive.
I almost got knocked down twice by cars over there and I got so pissed the second time cause the green pedestrian light was flashing but the car still cut my path -_- and I actually pointed the finger at them hahaha. but oh well at least I understand now why my dad was so against the idea of me going for night cycling when I was in sec 2.

well, it was nice.
haha the last part got a little funny, cause it started raining and we all had to chiong back to chalet hahaha. then the people in front went faster and faster. but zuhair's leg acted up again and teckyan became tired.
but anyway we made it back alive, with me being the lastman lol.
and vivi's "I WANNA CYCLE IN THE RAIN" -_- hahahahahahaha. k lah didn't know that was one of the 1001 things you wanted to do haha. k at least you accomplished it (:
_____________________________________________________
k so anyway, reached home (hahah shit typed that really) chalet at 2.30++ am and everyone took turns to bathe.
emm and jaime had to leave for home and so hanren and I walked them out (HAHA we so nice hor)
played bridge with the others (zuhair jerrie and teckyan + wenxiu (tiong ann was watching us and he says that watching me play bridge is hilarious cause I am always clueless )': )) and I conveniently forgot to bathe HAHAHAHA
and Jerrie and I were fated enough to win 4 trump MWAHAHAHHAHA its not everyday someone gets to win that many sets with a partner as lousy as me hahahaha.

anyway jerrie zuhair and wenxiu decided to be lame and the 4 of us decided to play hide and seek HAHAHA.
and I became the seeker boohoo )':
so I waited for them to hide and I started looking for them!
walao I saw jerrie outside of the chalet but when I went out she was gone!
so I went in and found zuhair in the majong room (mwahahahha) (he was hiding behind the chairs -_- walao)
then the two of us went seeking for jerrie but couldn't find her! haha then we attacked from both sides and she laughed out so loudly when we found her hahahahahah.
but wenxiu was still MIA so we searched the first floor but she was no where to be found!!
turns out that she was in the room where I originally was when I was waiting for them to finish hiding (walao like that one lor)

k then I bathed.
(TEEHEE K DONT JUDGE ME)

hahaha but anyway, bathed and then watched the girls play halo. (hahaha very amusing, but that was when I was so damn afraid our neighbours (as in real humans -_- not the 'neighbours') would complain against us cause the girls were screaming so loudly esp jerrie hahahahahah)
hahahah then tiong ann woke up and totally KO-ed on the table.

anyway, went out back to changi village to return the bikes, and went for breakfast.
jiasheng left for home though, and that was the last time we saw him. he's in tekong now! wonder how's he's doing.
anyway, we went for breakfast, and robert, hanren and I ate the famous nasi lemak for breakfast! ahah.

which brings me to the weekend before chem paper, when Tiong ann, Martin, Dylan, Mingxuan and I went down to changi village to reccee and get things like the bikes sorted out

anyway, on the other tables (joshua and gang + the girls) ate half boiled eggs. and somehow or rather either party didn't want their eggs/wanted more eggs and so the egg joke was born hahahaha. (lol someone cracked the egg joke hahaha #lamepun)

anyway, went back, and we played cluedo suspect! tiongann zuhair me and cass hahaha it was so funnnnnn. (the others were playing either the xbox or majong)
I really like the game cause I guessed my one and only win heh (: (intuition ftw)

we played bridge next hahaha omg I remember the freaky deck of cards (they were dylan's) which would always make sure cass had at least 2 aces no matter how we shuffled it (and I kept losing D:)

became tired so went up to nap with my dear santosa <3 hahahahaha.
(typing 'I slept with santosa' sounds wrong lololol)
so slept from 2 to 7-8+ cause I forgot that santosa had to leave for delta jts and I got him to wake me up hahaha.
but nehmind cause when I woke up the BBQ food was all ready hahaha (I felt like a king! (: )

hahaha after that the guys started playing dead space which was quite hilarious cause abdullah was such a pussy hahahaha (nah I would have been one too if I played dead space at that time of the night in a chalet right beside old changi hospital -_-).
but anyway I cannot really remember what I did here, except that everyone started giving out their cards and presents (:
(neh I still feel bad for not making something for them. maybe I should retry the experiment which failed 2 years ago hahahaha.)

but anyway, I think we played cards until 1am+ when we went up to play a game that hanren introduced called 'werewolf' which everyone in the house could play.
It was seriously ultra epic hahahahaha.
played until 5+ and me and tiongann totally ko-ed.
(haha hanren's XBOX JOKES kept coming out duing werewolf!)
we slept and woke up at.. 8-9+am when we were supposed to check out hahaha.
had mac's breakfast (hmm craving for it now) and everyone went home/to school to collect our sgc.

Had to stay back in school a little longer for mrs loke's scholarship talk (went with shameer), so went for lunch with the peeps before that.
we had a slightly intelletual debate there which I really enjoyed, though I believe it is still quite superficial and simplistic. haha.
we're still 18 and lack a lot of knowledge. still quite naiive I believe haha.
oh well.

As for the scholarship talk, I guess it was just a short session to remind us about the usual stuff they always say at scholarship talks.
Except the part that each university has their own bondless scholarship.
which i didn't realise.
going to try for it, esp for nus/ntu and even any overseas uni i'll want to apply for.

(oh this reminds me that mrs loke has officially left the school already sigh)
to be perfectly honest I didn't really like the way she speaks to us students, especially when I just came into tjc, cause it reminds me of those elitist people who speak the same way.
but after 2 years with her and finding out more of what she has done for the school (including building the lift specially for a handicapped student) , i realised that not that bad I suppose.
oh well, who ask me judge so much lol.

k went back home to sleep.
_____________________________________________________
(finally end of part 1 and its 3.14am already sighhhhh how am I going to finish writing this haha!)

anyway, Jordan invited Dylan and I to his birthday party.
haha was so happy.

anyway, we guys (hanren jiahong dylan reynold and I) went for prom shopping on the 3rd and the rest got the whole set while I bought only my shirt cause I have the rest of the stuff already.
but I had such a hard time getting a shirt sigh (thats why I don't like shopping ): cannot make up my mind. I like window shopping better HAHAHAH.)

and I make a real bad shopping partner cause I never know what I want to buy. hahaha.
Went with dylan after prom shopping to hunt for a gift for jordan after prom shopping and I think he realised that I'm such a bad shopping parter hahaha.
but anyway we bought a shirt and a pen for him. haha.
wanted to buy a pen + notebook but no suitable notebook sigh.

Dylan had to go down to funan/simlim (haha can't rmb) to get his new lappy cause his current one was too lousy for games and he needed one with better specs.
but before leaving citylink we chanced upon NADIA hahaha (actually only I did cause he was queueing up at starbucks heh)
_____________________________________________________
Anyway, Jordan's party the next day!

had a rehearsal for christmas performance at church in the afternoon (didn't go to church in the morning cause I overslept sigh)
so, I'm logistics man (again) (well thats because I have no other talent hahaha)
and so we rehearsed from 1 - 4pm and then i went down to Tanah Merah from Serangoon to meet dylan.
chanced upon wenui and boris at tanah merah!
they were going to the party as well.
it was too bad dylan's (dad's) car couldn't pick up more people, so the two had to take bus down while I enjoyed the luxury of private transport mwahahaha.

and it started raining hahahha.
so dylan and I were one of the earliest to reach the chalet,
and yayyyyy we stoned while waiting for the rest.
Jaime and the rest of the zhss people were there, so I was actually supposed to be the least awkward at the party since I knew almost everyone at the party from both zhss and tjc.
so yup talked to jaime for a while.
glad to know that life's good for him (:

anyway, the party was good, with all the food and people.
hahaha.
remember playing bridge with boris dom and cheryl and the loser had to drink bandung with potato (haha dom came up with the forfeit) and cheryl and I lost both rounds (lol I didn't win a single set sigh) and we had to drink the drinks hahaha omg I swear it was gross.

and talking to the hc people (: it was nice lah I guess.
really thankful for everyone of them (: wonder what would have happened if I actually appealed to vjc and my appeal to vjc succeeded (HA. HA. HA.)

but yup.
zeke came along later during the party and I was so happy to meet him!
havn't seen that guy for 2 years or so. (:

but had to go home for fear of not catching the last bus.
walked out that long strech of road outside the chalet (haha what an ordeal everyone who walked in had to go through) with boris, wenrui, jiaxin, deonn, yannis and weijie.
and yup just talked.
haha I like talking alot lah (:
and we managed to catch a cab which could take 7 people and it brought us to tanah merah, where we caught the last train to pasir ris!
then boris and I managed to catch the last bus (88) back to hougang.
haha we were so close too ((:

and on the bus we talked again. (hahaha)
boris akes a good talking partner (:
easy to talk to.

reached home at 12+
KO-ed.
_____________________________________________________
(k its 3.47am now.. hahaha. my dad's lappy had been on for hours I swear its going to die haha)

played badminton with dylan, pao, kaixin, wenrui and jordan on the 6th.
hahaha oh well I was better than i usually was (though I was still quite lazy and we played for the sake of playing :P) (which actually means we anyow play :P)
but it was good exercise, especialyy since I have not exercised for a single bit since PE stopped haha)

went for dinner with them @ pizza hut tampines and gossiped for a bit.
hahaha walao they were talking about stuff which I had no clue about but nvm its okay I don't gossip alot (: (yeah right)
but yup it was nice eating and talking to them.

took 88 from pasir ris with kx and jordan back to hougang again and we talked again. (haha I always talk but nothing from the conversations is going to come on here :P)
yupppp.
end of 6th december. (yay)
_____________________________________________________

8th December 2011, My first ever prom night, which also happens to be the last hahaha.

was kind of nervous though, cause I didn't know what to expect.
but glad that everything went well.

met jiahong and teckyan @ city hall and walked to marina mandarin hotel hahahaha.
then waited for people to start coming in.
OH WE SAW VIVI POWERSQUARED first hahaha omg I really didn't recognise her when I saw her. pleasant surprise hahaha.
then people started coming in and guess what.. PHOTOTAKING SESSION hahahaha.

and yup.
It was pretty alright I guess.
For me, I just wanted to be have fun. hahaha. and so I did (:
no awkward moments, no nothing (:

the food was a little too little (HAHAHA), but the performances were good, esp. GUITAR CLUB ROCK BAND hahahahahaha. (: and I didn't go home empty handed cause I got $10 worth of capital-land vouchers mwahahahaha
and the plan to book a hotel room fell through cause I'm such a bad organiser (sigh)
but anyway, after prom, (and photo-taking session that followed after that), we headed out to the 24/7 starbucks at MBS HAHAHA.
but, it turns out that THERE IS NO 24/7 STARBUCKS @ MBS (thanks to our very own dr goh haha) so we had to walk back to cityhall/rafflesplace (can't remmeber) for starbucks.
but of course we sat down in front of mbs for a while and just talked. (:
haha alot of crap lah. (:

(sigh its 4.30am and my head is starting to feel light lol)

I remember us talking about the PSC essay about radical ideas and etc hahahaha.
and tiong ann's shoe falling apart hahaha (why does it always have to be him!) and him staying for a while more and defying his parents' orders hahahaha.
vivi walking barefooted ,and her nonsense fantasies -_-, and again, the night breeze hahaha.
and us disturbing that couple at the statues, and the 2 japanese/korean girls wo walked past us.

It was just special I guess.
At that moment I was thinking to myself, "isn't this moment supposed to be those type of special moments in the movies when we are supposed to feel special?"
But all I saw was just everyone acting normally just smiling, and it was there and then when I came to my own conclusion that we don't have to feel special during moments. The thing about them that makes them special, is that they make us smile when we look back, and I guess this moment is special cause I'm smiling now haha. (I guess every moment can be special then.)

anyway, we walked to the starbucks, and slacked and talked for a while, and soon after that most of the peeps took a taxi and left.
Well, Zuhair, Dylan, Hanren and I stayed behind and we continued talking.
A bunch of VJC people came to the starbucks after their post-prom and they were freaking annoying.
but we out-sat them anyway hahahaha.
A second group of VJC students came along and that was when I saw lishi (haha hello!) with her friends.

but anyway, the 4 of us just talked until day broke.
haha we talk more than girls leh really. one topic just led to another and we didn't stop.
it was only a few hours, but I enjoyed it haha.
well surprisingly we didnt gossip :O hahahahahah.

and I remember the man outside with the tatoos AHHAHAHA.

and yep.
we made sure we outsat the second group of VJC students as well hahahahahaha.
okay we very kiasu hahahahaha.
_____________________________________________________
so after prom and 'post-prom', I went home.
It was 8am when i reached home (when I promised to be home at 6/7 lol)
but nvm hahaha I slept and woke up at 12pm+.

was so damned tired but had job interview with camp high achievers.
got the job from corrine (haha hello if you're reading this) and had a 2-3 hour session with themwhich starts at 2.
luckily my dad came home and voluteered to fetch me there.
if not I cfm + chop late. hahaha. but I took some time to find the building sigh.

anyway, the session included a briefing etc and the person was observing us I swear.
and alot of RJ/HCI kids were there as well haha!
corrine and I stared at each other when we heard all of them were from top schools hahaha.

anyway, we filled in some forms, were done after 2 hours or so.

went down to meet titus, jia jun, zhengfeng, and zhida for lan.
they went for sushi buffet before that but i coudn't join them (WALAO) and zeke only joined them for the buffet but not the LAN s didn't get to see them )':
but anyway they called jienhsiu for the LAN I was so glad to see him.
havn't seen that guy for 2 years or so as well hahaha.

and I felt more confident with the games than before though.
IDK WHY. hahahaha.

after that, hanged out around amk hub for a while to decide what to do next haha.

and yup we went for pool and it was fun hahaha I managed a few good shots along the way :P
titus had to leave first, so we continued, and then went for 'dinner' (supper actually; it was quite late already)  but I havnt had lunch/dinner so yeahhhh I was hungry like a idkwhat hahahaha.
and we talked about our sec 2 classmates and the many stupid stuff that happened back then.
hahahaha.

walked jj home first (lol always walk him home from amk hub hahahaha) and discussed some stuff (OH SHIT THIS REMINDS ME  SUPPOSED TO JIO HIM OUT hahahahaha)
and went home and #KO-ed cause I didn't have decent sleeppppppppp.
_____________________________________________________
(yeah I need decent sleep now actually. its 5.08 am already hahahaha)

met up with cherp on the 12th for a quick lunch and catching up session.
I was jumping for joy when I saw that guy (': hahahaha havn't talked to him for so long (':

anyway, gossiped a little and talked about ns.
haha he taught me a little about how things are inside since he has already enlisted.

and yup, went down to bbhq to hand in kayaking forms but ms koh wasn't there hahaha.
so yup went back home and that concluded the day.
_____________________________________________________
13th and 14th was spent with camp high achievers training camp.

well, I discovered some stuff that was pretty fucked up (at least, screwed up to a person like me who has been so idealistic about the world outside) which I should keep to myself.

anyway, made a new friend, called MUSTAFA hahahahahaha (and yes he's mixed malay-chinese just like abdullah)

Not sure of I should take up camps, since the pay is well, less than satisfactory but I still signed up for it anyway. The person hasn't sent any email to me so I'm hoping for the best :X

don't have any job offers yet anyway so I guess I'll make do with this first.
and its part-time so I shouldn't expect much.
I'm going there for the kids, not for anyone else, or anything else. haha. (lol makes me sound pedophillic -_-)

but the camp was good I guess.
kaayaing, rafting, rock wall climbing, abseiing, ziplining/flyingfox, high elements, low elements, all in 2d1n! hahaha quite shiok.
and the camp returned my tan hahahahah.

But I was scared of abseiling and high elements.
kept swearing when I was up there.
gotta learn to control hahahaha.
if not army will be worse lol.

so dead tired when I reached home haha.
_____________________________________________________

and yup.
Yesterday, went down to get my lappy fixed (finally) and i'm only going to get it back after 3-5 working days (sgh) so I gotta make do with my dad's lappy, which is newer but slower o.o
then went Christmas shopping for a few people (actually only 3 (: should I buy gifts for more people?) and went down to bbhq to meet ms koh to submit the kayaking forms and have dinner.
Daryl, JZ, and Bokchong joined us ((:

The dinner was definitely enjoyable, though service was crappy to the extent that it was funny.
amd ms koh treated us all (': so nice of her. gonna treat her back one day mwahahah.

talked for quite a while, and I was sort of happy and sad after all the talking..
sad with the state of things, but sort of happy that I'm not the only one feeling that way.
and of course, the people there were all funny people hahahaha.

hope to hang out more with them ((:

and yeah lah I know I very fierce )':
_____________________________________________________

k anyway, here's what I'll be doing the next few weeks!
making my schedule public hahaha

clearing my room later!
k lah given the amount of stuff I have left actually should be done by tomorrow If I don't procasinate again.

December 2011
19th - meeting up with JJ and sabu! (((:
21st - meeting up with 82 gang! JJ, Leona and Bridget Ang!
22nd - Rehearsal @  church (happens to be my birthday heh)
24/25th - Christmas Performance @ Church
29th to 30th  - Impromptu Trip to Genting with my family! We havn't been out on a holiday together for like 6 years ((:

January 2012
5th - cousin's wedding. havn't attended one in ages
7, 14, 15th - Kayaing Star 2 course
and I'll start doing camps in January so will be busy ):

hoping for
countdown with someone? anyone? (:
kayaking trip with peeps/class? :D (k lah organising in progress -_-)
class outing!
night cycling again!!!
start exercising -_-

(k shit I might not get my lappy back this year)

and I need a pair of shades oh no where am I gonna buy them!!!
_____________________________________________________
anyway, I've fallen in love with this instrumental.
such a powerful song.


been spamming it so it starts losing its meaning hahaha.
but yup its really nice (:
_____________________________________________________
and recently I've been trying to make up with people I've fallen out with.
and hopefully I'll be able to put aside my pride and say sorry to them, even if its not my fault.

oh well wish me luck haha.
_____________________________________________________
Its 5.39am already -_- #ohgawd

and I realised that I wrote a lot of details for the stuff that happened weeks ago.
hmm long time since I blogged like that hahaha.

feeling so dead now hahahaha.
throat feels horrible ):
lesson learnt: never to procasinate blogging (:
(in fact, I should never have procasinated anything at all, except for procasination itself haha)

k gonna turn in.

will update when stuff starts happening (:

You Don’t Need To Say Anything

There was a time when receiving even the most insignificant message from you would have been simply incredible — when it would have told me that, no matter what was happening, I still crossed your mind. Because as we all know, silence is the most brutal statement one can make. Screaming about how much you hated me or telling me I was ugly, well, it would have been tolerable. Hate and love are two sides of the same coin; the true opposite of love is apathy. And if you had screamed, I would have known that regardless of how hard you tried to convey your disdain for me, I still meant enough to you to write a few words, to make your sentiments known. But you remained silent, and so I shut up as well.

I have lost people in my life before — I have a choice soul or two with whom I can no longer speak. Even acknowledging their existence, or confronting them with mine, would be just too ugly and pour salt into too many wounds. There are bridges I have burned out of necessity. Yours was simply abandoned, left untended for years until weeds grew through it and the railing fell apart and it became something you might take a black-and-white picture of, but you could never cross again. It was unsafe, destroyed by neglect. And that hurt more — to see something just erode into oblivion is so much more brutal than to cover it with gasoline and to toss a match on it. I wanted fireworks, to go out with a bang. I guess that’s human nature.

And the time that we didn’t speak went from a simple act of convenience into a border which could no longer be crossed. There is an invisible moment in time, a line of sorts, that you traverse at a certain point in a mutual silence. It is the time when, from then on, starting a conversation would be awkward and jagged and require an embarrassed explanation of why you haven’t spoken in so long. We crossed that point a long time ago, whether I wanted to or not, and I knew that going back would be fruitless. Acknowledging each other was over, and it was time to accept the quiet death of a friendship that had taken place.

Of course, I still hoped that you would reach out. One day you would extend your hand and say that you were sorry, that things were okay, that we don’t need to keep this uncomfortable distance. You would tell me that we were being immature, that life is too short, and many other cliches that we could nod in agreement on. I waited for it consciously, then without thinking of it, and eventually I wasn’t waiting at all. My life began to continue, and your peripheral existence didn’t factor in. I was happy without it, and the fact that you weren’t a part of everything was no longer a tangible hole needing to be filled.

Every day became more and more about what was good, enjoyed fully without a nagging sense of “if only I could share it with this person.” I made new friends, and strengthened ties with old ones. I no longer thought about our silence, about our depressing ending, about the fact that we’d never again stay up all night watching internet videos and drinking beer. It was simply a chapter in my life that had closed, and the ending seemed appropriate. We can’t appreciate or understand the endings of things when they’re happening, of course, but with a little distance they usually parse themselves out. We were right to go our separate ways, and I know we’re both the better for it — even if we can’t pinpoint exactly why.

So there’s no need to apologize, to come and say something, to awkwardly jump-start a conversation that goes nowhere in a matter of minutes. There’s no need to acknowledge what happened, or talk about the things we would have done differently. Our lives are filled with things we could have done better, but I know you well enough to know that just because things end on a bad note doesn’t mean all the wonderful music before was worthless. I won’t let the ugly end color my memories of you. But we are no longer the same people, and there’s no reason to force a false friendship because of some misplaced sense of nostalgia.

It’s the holidays, and we are remembering the people we left behind. But sometimes remembering is enough. You’re surrounded by your loved ones, and I with mine, and there’s no need to toast because the season tells us we should. We’re all okay, and there are so many exciting things in front of us — let’s let that be enough.

Don't go.

going for 2 days camp.

will try to write when I come back.

so exhausted emotionally.

Am I wrong?

class chalet was gd (:

will blog about it soon.

anyway, I don't know why but a certain someone has been poping up in my mind since yesterday.
Is it because I am cranky, or is it because of what I think is happening?

let time tell again.

Those were the days, my friend.

oldies.
haha.

Enlisting on 6 March.
Lappy spoiled.
Less than 50 hours before I end As and get out of the system

oh well.
Those were the day my friends, I thought it'll never end.

haha k need to startt

k I really don't know whats wrong with me.

but its so frustrating.
so damn frustrating.

it seems as if as someone just burst my bubble (which I think someone really did)

all of the ideals I had, suddenly falls apart.

why am I worrying so much?

I don't know, but I am so damn angry.

angry at who? I don't know.

why is society so practical.
why why why.

screw life.
serious.

looks like accepting rejection is harder than it looks huh.
haha.

Life is not fair.
Sometimes dreams do not come true.
Sometimes you’re not the hero in the story of your life.
And sometimes, people die before they’re supposed to.
Life is not fair.
But fair has nothing to do with who you are inside, what you dream about, who you love, and what you stand for.
Life cannot touch that. War cannot touch that.

I'll make sure my ideals and what I stand for will not fade away.

but then again, how certain am I that all these will not change?

Inner Demon two.

didn't have a very good start to the day.

woke up to my mum screaming in my ear.

but oh well thats only because she got frustrated trying to wake me up from 7 till 9 hahaha didn't hear or feel her at all.

anyway, physics paper was good.

couldn't answer a few questions at first.
but keeping calm does work.
haha didn't lose my cool like i did for paper 2.

went back home and took 87.
was about to alight when someone suddenly said "eh limpin!"

got a real shock! haha.
it turned out to be jie en.
havn't talked to him for a while.
but oh well, glad that he said hi to me haha.
really put a smile to my face.

going to try and get things straight with people.
and make sure no regrets pop up again.

terrible living in them, and glad that I have the chance to get out of it.
some people never have the chance to do so huh. i'm blessed in that aspect. haha.

ugh my laptop is spoiled.
screen is damaged.
and idk why.
gonna have to repair it soon ):

downloaded a few games over the weekends.
angry birds, the sims, and zelda ages, all on psp haha.
but oh well getting bored of them.
hope Final Fantasy Type-0 English version comes out soon omg dying from waiting ):
don't wanna play jap cause dun understand. haha.

on another note, have been watching alot of videos on youtube, especially videos clips or audio extracts from scientists.

really admire how some scientists can be so poetic.
Richard Feynman, Carl Sagan, Richard Dawkins, they are a few I really admire.



gonna try and improve on my language for the next two years, as well as study for a few modules so that I can apc them if I do enter nus. haha. two years is alot of time if I know how to spent it wisely.

but for now, I have to try my best for geog. more specifically human geog.
threw away physical geog, gonna have to salvage the situation now.

and MOE hasn't replied me regarding TIP, so I guess they don't want me.
nah. it'll be their loss.
gonna look for a job.

Hypocrisy about Hypocrisy

Yes, i realised that I don't like hypocrites.

But, is hypocrisy always bad?

food for thought huh.

Takeaway.

been trying to something about today for a few hours already.

physics wasn't particularly great today.
oh well.

After the consultation with Ms Jay this morning, I realised that I have a very pessimistic viewpoint of humanity as a whole.

Recently (or not so recently) I've started looking at people differently.
I wonder why people think so much, why people are two-faced, why people lie.
so many questions. but no answers.
and I just decided to stop thinking about it.

well subconsciously I actually associated complexity with being hypocritical.

But Ms Jay said "this world is so complex you see. there is no hard and fast rule to say which country can mitigate drought or floods better cause they are so different. they are all so diverse. It is such a complex place. But, it is this diversity that makes the world interesting."

and I suddenly realised how i've been overlooking the positive benefits diversity has given to the world.

yes, diversity leads to differences in opinions, leads to conflicts, arguments.
but it is this diversity that also makes the world so big and beautiful.
how beautiful one place is and how different how it is from another.

and I realised that what I actually loathe is not human complexity, but human hypocrisy.

I like simplicity.
I just like it when things are simple.
no burden, no conditions to consider, no nothing.

maybe its an excuse to be lazy.

but still, its a joy having to deal only with things that are simple.

simple, not as in difficulty, but clarity.

But so much time has past that the boundary between complexity and hypocrisy has blurred.
People have become both hypocritical and complex at the same time.

well, glad that I realised the difference today.

If I had to choose the most important lesson from these two years, it'll be this.

Nothing is more unjust, however common, than to charge with hypocrisy him that expresses zeal for those virtues which he neglects to practice; since he may be sincerely convinced of the advantages of conquering his passions, without having yet obtained the victory, as a man may be confident of the advantages of a voyage, or a journey, without having courage or industry to undertake it, and may honestly recommend to others, those attempts which he neglects himself.

food for thought..

okay enough ranting.

want to get the papers over and done with.

very worried for geog.
and physics. ):

suck thumb and do it lah walao.

We'll win the war.

for the first time, I managed to win this battle inside me and confront my inner demons.

first battle won.

now for tomorrow,
and the many other battles in between.

Poison and Wine

neh too bad this wasn't like 2 years ago.

this is going to be a very big gamble.

gonna take whatever comes.
no choice.

3 days..

haha its been a while.

shouldn't have procrastination. ):
so screwed for stats and geog ):

zzzzzzzzzzzzzz not supposed to be here!

sigh.

200th.

200th post.
not a happy one.

waited till my disappointment and anger to sort of subside before writing this post.
learnt the dire consequences of writing when I am angry the hard way.
_________________________________________________________________

didn't sleep last night.
up doing physics papers.
why I cannot do so many questions zzz sian.
must not fall.

physically and emotionally tired.
_________________________________________________________________

We're supposed to graduate today,
and we're supposed to be happy.

but no.
was peeved by some people who took all of this like some joke.

even if you don't like the school,
can you at least be nice and just shut up and not complain for once?
at least be more appreciative alright.

this made me really disgusted.
will have to deal with these people if i teach.
can't stand them.

I take it seriously.
I want this to end well.
why deprive me of this?

can't stand some people who don't have etiquette as well.

they'll learn it the hard way next time.
______________________________________________________________
Anyway, I've decided that I've had enough of arrogant people.
attention-seeking, arrogant people, who get everything they want, including all the attention they seek. and grades.

of course, i ain't going to complain about them, cause:
1. it'll only show how typical-Singaporean I am (which I think is true to a large extent)
2. get dragged down by these idiots to their level, which makes me look like I am an attention-seeker as well. (not that i care about how people look at me anyway)

but somehow I feel that its so unjust.
like, there are people out there who deserve these grades but aren't getting them.
and them?

of course, it is my own bias at work again.
too judgmental i know.

but it never fails to anger me how anyone's character can be so bad, but they get what they want.
just like that.

(not that they didn't work hard or what. I just didn't see it. or I choose to ignore it subconsciously. either that or they do alot of backstage work.)

very peeved.

(and all of these inner debates about how judgmental I am actually makes this whole post quite pointless. but heck. writing for the sake of expressing my unhappiness.)

anyway, I've decided that i've had enough of these people, and it is time to fight for what I deserve.
and we'll see who the better man is now.
_____________________________________________________________
Received a present from this dear friend whom I think i'll be in contact with for a long long time (:

and its the only one I received today.

I'm guilty of not making anything for anyone.

but still, i'm very happy that I received your present.

made this emotionally tiring day a little bit more positive.

Thank you (:
_________________________________________________________
Putting all the negative thoughts away, in a nutshell,
these two years have really been wonderful.

hiccups here and there, but its never a bed of roses.

should have known that by now.

learnt to guard against pretentious people and hypocrites.
but made friends too.
which I am glad (:

Thank you everyone for this exciting 2 years.
XeylaOG7, KazerOG12, 24/10, TJ116, TJCGuitar, GuitarEXCO1011, BB48th, BBHQPrimers.
exciting two years its been (:

Putting 32S Temasek Junior College is a choice I will not regret. never had, and never will.

though the ending could have been a little better, a little more perfect.
__________________________________________________________
shall stop here yeah.

mock maths paper 2 tomorrow and I've done 0 revision for stats.

Hiatus.

Work hard alright.

This time, not just for yourself.
for all who've placed hopes on you.

teachers. parents. friends. strangers.

and all those great men out there who are waiting for humanity to conquer new heights.

for richard feynman, whom I respect very much.
and for all the teachers whom have taught me so much.

awkward ttm.

don't want to face reality.

and I'm talking about two different things here.

"I want her to be just like humans, just like how I am. Beautiful."

(:

10 Things I know to be true.

I really don't know.
have to really think since I am really quite skeptical of everything around me.
including the things around me, what happened in the past, and even my own existence.
kinda.. scary.

But 10 on the list,

1) I'm here typing this because of a video that asked for 3 things we know that are definitely true off our heads without thinking too hard. (which I could not produce)
2) Just had tom yam soup for dinner.
3) I secretly think I have a mental disorder.
4) My emotions are messed up
5) So lost now. too many decisions to make.
6) I am very ill-disciplined.
7) Don't think I've gotten over this girl whom I've met some time before.
8) There is always this voice buzzing inside me. (yes.. the left brain lol)
9) I managed to shed a tear recently, which i am glad because I managed to assure myself that I am human.
10) I can't think of a 10th truth off my head just like that.

its troubling because I really don't know whats true, and whats not anymore.

music.

koped from yen peng's profile.
haha.

time to go back to the old bands.
haha.

anyway, human geog is gone.
gg.com haha.

Just woke up.
sighh havn't done very much for human geog.

been thinking about the future alot.
Don't know if I should try for Special Programme in Science, which is very prestigious, or a Minor in Forensic Science.

haha.
my mum's urging me to get a job as well.
and I guess I'll be enlisting only in March or May.
so yeah i think I might just try relief teaching.

Ms Koh stepped down from the primer's portfolio.
oh well life moves on.
at least now her workload is lighter.

don't know if i should continue serving with 48th.
everything there is so awkward, and yeah kind of lost my purpose there.
oh well we shall see how.

hang on k.

"Sometimes we have thoughts that even we don’t understand. Thoughts that aren’t even true—that aren’t really how we feel—but they’re running through our heads anyway because they’re interesting to think about. If you could hear other people’s thoughts, you’d overhear things that are true as well as things that are completely random. And you wouldn’t know one from the other. It’d drive you insane. What’s true? What’s not? A million ideas, but what do they mean?"

"We all run on two clocks. One is the outside clock, which ticks away our decades and brings us ceaselessly to the dry season. The other is the inside clock, where you are your own timekeeper and determine your own chronology, your own internal weather and your own rate of living. Sometimes the inner clock runs itself out long before the outer one, and you see a dead man going through the motions of living."

"To fear death, my friends, is only to think ourselves wise, without being wise: for it is to think that we know what we do not know. For anything that men can tell, death may be the greatest good that can happen to them: but they fear it as if they knew quite well that it was the greatest of evils. And what is this but that shameful ignorance of thinking that we know what we do not know?"

some stuff to think about.

omg stressed ttm.

chem chem chem.

for elim.
really.

蝴蝶飞

this movie is so annoying sad.

Lost Halcyon Days.

happened to chance upon some of the emails that I exchanged with a certain someone.
haha kind of miss him as a classmate.

glad to see that his blog is back up and running.

was feeling horrible last night.
can't let go of my past mistakes, can't forgive myself.
sometimes it ain't my fault, we're all pawns of circumstances.
but still..

made too many mistakes, gave too many chances, lost too many friendships, let go of too many convictions.

I let it all slip by.

should stop thinking so much eh.

ending off with a quote from his blog:

"Lastly, life got better this year, despite some fucked up things and people. I won't talk about the kind of darkness i used to live in and how bleak my mental state used to be now. But i'll just end off being thankful that i've stepped out of most of it.

I used the word "most". Because no one can ever completely step out of darkness."

I thought I grew out of the darkness.
but it looks like it has always been at the back of my mind.

it scary how it consumes me once in a while.

okay.
back to studying!

Checklist

Saw this checklist somewhere.
haha so decided to check myself against it.

1. Compare your ex to someone new and feel relieved
2. Compare your ex to someone new and feel regret
3. Go on a terrible date that convinces you that you’ll be alone forever
4. Go on a series of promising dates and tell your friends this “might be it”
5. Let the holidays serve as a reminder of the last time you had someone to spend them with
6. Spend the night drinking and dancing and kissing; walk home at 6 AM and feel content to be alone with the sunrise
7. Listen to love songs that remind you of no one; feel indifferent about feeling indifferent
8. Listen to songs that remind you of the past and cry in the fetal position
9. Be enough for yourself
10. Do the things your past relationships discouraged; be the person your past relationships suppressed
11. Feel woefully behind and kind of nervous every time a friend gets engaged
12. Forget how hard it is to watch your relationship dissolve when doling out advice
13. Get defensive when your relationship non-status becomes a topic of conversation at Thanksgiving
14. Sleep diagonal because you can
15. Feel high after a successful first date
16. Wonder if you can fall in love with someone despite the absence of an initial spark
17. Make out with someone for no reason other than you’re both single and attractive
18. Date people who are completely wrong for you because you clearly don’t know who’s right for you
19. Get drunk and mentally forgive people your sober mind can’t absolve
20. Discover one day that you’ve stopped looking and started living; let that make you smile

so far, i've "accomplished" 2, 3, 5, 6(not the drinking and kissing part though ahha), 8, 9, 16, 18, and maybe 20.

1. Compare your ex to someone new and feel relieved
2. Compare your ex to someone new and feel regret
I mean like, I can do 2 but not 1, cause I mean a loss is a loss, and who in the right mind will feel relieved losing something good.
This could have been true if I managed to get away from something bad, but if I had something that I disliked about someone I won't even fall in love with her, and she won't be my ex.
so yup as far as i'm concerned now 2 is more valid for me than 1 as of now.

3. Go on a terrible date that convinces you that you’ll be alone forever.
still remember that time.
haha feel quite lost in everything that happened that time.
don't even know whats happening.
could have been because I was more shy and all that time, but still...
its a pity and a loss I wasn't more outspoken that time.

5. Let the holidays serve as a reminder of the last time you had someone to spend them with.
(:

6. Spend the night drinking and dancing and kissing; walk home at 6 AM and feel content to be alone with the sunrise
I like walking home alone at 6am.
haha.
and I sort of like it when I stay up on my own accord and feel the night breeze.
like how the cold night changes into the morning.

8. Listen to songs that remind you of the past and cry in the fetal position.
not fetal position, but sometimes I still remember how I used to feel.
upset and everything.
sore about losing and everything.
oh well, time to grow up and let live.

9. Be enough for yourself.
I'm enough for myself as of now.
just a but too lazy for my own good (:

13. Get defensive when your relationship non-status becomes a topic of conversation at Thanksgiving
In fact, the opposite has been happening.
I get defensive when people claim that I like someone.
oh well.

16. Wonder if you can fall in love with someone despite the absence of an initial spark.
Thats whats happening now.
haha.
should I elaborate more?

17. Make out with someone for no reason other than you’re both single and attractive
dude I'm not attractive.

18. Date people who are completely wrong for you because you clearly don’t know who’s right for you.
happened last time, and maybe now. ahha.
but never date ahhh I tell you hahaha.

19. Get drunk and mentally forgive people your sober mind can’t absolve.
drunk with what? If being drunk on living counts, then maybe yes.
forgave someone before because life gave me so much more than he took away.

20. Discover one day that you’ve stopped looking and started living; let that make you smile
as of now, yes (:
quite happy about everything haha.

But, I've never been able to say I've done 7.
I can never feel indifferent about feeling indifferent.
we all got to feel something right, one way or another.
so when you don't feel anything something has to be wrong.
and I can't be indifferent when I have a problem with myself (or my conscious that is.)

oh well, what am I doing here???
gahhhh.

study lah don't be lazy.

What would you want to remember?

"The sound of the ocean, captured in a shell; like a memory. Imagine if it held something different; something more than just the sound,but just as real. And what if we had the chance to remmeber something that we actually never experienced?"

I would want to remember the first time I saw you.
I would want to remember your eyes, your hair, your smile.
I would want to remember all the messages we exchanged.
I would want to remember all the glances we stole.
I would want to remember laughter.

And, I would want to remember how its like, falling in love.

looks like I've forgotten how.

Techno.

This guy who made these videos is great.
haha made me have another perspective about techno music.

Techno music is easy to work with haha.

wanna do techno music for precision drill if I have a chance.

So far so good (:

Thank God for  how everything fit in so perfectly this past week.

Udders with class on wednesday for CG lunch . (:

No chemistry make up lesson on thursday so we were released at 2.30 (:
stayed back for a while to make mr ang's present. (:

Gave all our teacher's day cards on friday. (:
everything fell into place so perfectly (:

Gave ridhwan his belated birthday gift as well ((((:
we were supposed to give him in the morning but morning assembly was cancelled cause of the rain.
but we met later in the afternoon and managed to pass him his gift (which is a ultra nice shirt I ALSO WANT) cause ms wong yy wanted to meet us to pass us presents. (:

lunch with CG at bedok point after that.

took cab to school 3 times this week. SHIOK! :D

Presidential elections yesterday.
didn't really want Dr. Tony Tan to win.
Was rooting for Tan Kin Lian (but looks like not many people like him eh D:)
hahaha but after he conceded defeat I rooted for Dr. Tan Cheng Bok but it was so close ):
oh well, whatever is best for the country.

CNA sucks.
so tactless lol.

okay got to start work. (:

Untitled.

Uncle's wake yesterday.
It was a sad scene.

oh well, RIP.
Life still goes on.
_____________________________________________________
so tired I couldn't wake up today.
took a taxi to school hahaha.
the driver was an indian woman and she was wearing a sari when I got on so I got a shock when she said "good morning" hahahaha.
anyway she was nice (:

classes where I KO-ed totally.

PE!
hahahaha its the last PE lesson in TJ for us.
going to get 2 years of PE but oh well.
after PE, the class went to play ice and water!
hahaha. got tired after a while so the whole lot of us sat down and started talking about retarded stuff that happened these 2 years.
starting with re-enacting day 1 in chen lab and LT2 to all the scandals.

aww.
love them to bits (:

counting down, and I'm unwilling to let go.
but its unavoidable. ):
I need time.

look at how far we have come.

Cass's Birthday today, celebrated during break. (:
The dragon pinata and all hahaha.

Photographs with all the tutors (except mr elwin ): )

Library with Joshua, Teck Yan, Emm, Jerrie, and Cass.
talked about uni life and all. (:

looked at past photographs and comments on facebook just now.
I've changed a whole lot these two years.

This two years passed terribly fast.
Its so scary.
I guess time flies when you're having fun.

we've all come so far as a class.
don't want to leave you guys ):

haha.
love 24/10 to bits lah.

2 more months before we graduate.
but it definitely won't be the end (:

Unlucky but blessed day.

Unlucky
Got back Chinese results. D/Merit, same as before.
Pencil case spoiled.
Handphone and spare phone spoiled.
stack of homework waiting for me to do.
short of cash.

Lucky
Found "Surely you're joking, Mr. Feynman!" in the school library! (been a long time since I read a book)
Abigail's Birthday (Happy Birthday Speshull! hahahaha) and Ridhwan's Belated Birthday Celebrations!
Got an sms from Seraphyn. haha looks like Mrs Lim still remembers me (: gonna work hard for chemistry for both myself and mrs lim (if not for other people).

I don't know if I've gained, or lost more.
But oh well, still feeling pretty much positive about it. (:

jyjy! (:

Stardust.

If you be my star
I'll be your sky
you can hide underneath me and come out at night
when I turn jet black and you show off your light
I live to let you shine
I live to let you shine

but you can skyrocket away from me
and never come back if you find another galaxy
far from here with more room to fly
just leave me your stardust to remember you by

if you be my boat
I'll be your sea
a depth of pure blue just to probe curiosity
ebbing and flowing and pushed by a breeze
I live to make you free
I live to make you free

but you can set sail to the west if you want to
and past the horizon till I can't even see you
far from here where the beaches are wide
just leave me your wake to remember you by

if you be my star
I'll be your sky
you can hide underneath me and come out at night
when I turn jet black and you show off your light
I live to let you shine
I live to let you shine

but you can skyrocket away from me
and never come back if you find another galaxy
far from here with more room to fly
just leave me your stardust to remember you by
stardust to remember you by

Eddington.

Einstein (:

and Eddington! (:

oh my why are these videos all so awesome! hahahah.

(:

Considering taking Forensics as a minor in NUS (((:

stay motivated!

Tau.

Maths is beautiful.

For those who don't know what tau is,
tau=2 pi

and I'm for using tau!

Pi isn't wrong.
Just not so.. sppropriate. hahaha.

John Wheeler.

Never knew that Hugh Everett and Richard Feynman both had the same doctoral advisers.

was shocked when I saw it.

Princeton University groomed great men.

achievement day.

This is why geography excites me (:
very excited about all this but not excited about studying for it haha.

I don't really have much on my mind these days.
My thought process now is very unlike how I was, lets say... 2 years ago?
haha changed so much.
thinking alot less than I used to.
became so irresponsible too.

but one thing on my mind these days is whether I should still teach.
I don't want to teach primary or secondary school, but after going through the jc system I don't really have the fire for it anymore.

anyther thing that has been bothering me is whether I should try for a overseas uni education.
really want Princeton Oxford or Cambridge haha.

have to work hard for what we want right.
haha.



long weekend ahead!

I won't say bye cause its not the end (;

JTS yesterday was perfect (':

went for dental appointment ytd )': (ouchhh)
lots of cavities.
hahaha.

then went to simei.
reached there at 12.30 even though we were meeting at 1.
turned out that only ridhwan and me were buying the ingredients.
haha we realised that we didn't have any ingredients to buy except the containers whom we bought with nadia HAHAHAH. (and chocolate chips which we didn't buy and I had to make another trip with faiz to buy)

hahaha baked cookies! (((:
second time baking (the first being jts last year hahaha)
tough tough dough that I made hmmmm. hahha.
first batch were actually chocolate balls teehee ^^
but the others were niceeeee! (((:

then slacked a while and then went to orchard.
They brought us round and round the place arghhh!!!
hahahahaha.
but was very touched when everyone came with their gifts (((:

I got a marshmellow with my name! hahaha.
so touched.
thank you Jon Heng hahaha.

Swensons @ Orchard ((:
ice cream buffettt yay haha (so much for dental appointment ytd morning haha)
sat with the QMs (((:

lame jokes and everything!
haha so enjoyable (((:

but jokes aside, found out alot of secrets!!! HAHAHAH.
oh well.
quite unexpected! hahaha.

Hope that it won't be the last time we'll be meeting up. (:
looking forward to the next time really.

100 days countdown to As.
Start disciplining myself and hope i'll be more productive as I was during the same period 2 years ago during my Os.
I can do it!

Won't be updating that much (haha don't update a lot actually)
so don't miss me (((:

but now, so much homewoek -_-
hahahaha.

chords.

just woke up from an afternoon nap.

really want to master how to play the guitar.
sort of wasted the past one year because I joined guitar club to learn the instrument but up till now I only know a few basic chords and I dont know how to strum hahahaha.
maybe not wasted haha but still...

watching online tutorials to learn.
learning alot from this justin guy (((:

hope things turn out better though.
it has been so long since I've had so much negative feelings contained in me.

okay do work!
no maple please hahahaha.

I want to have my orange juice.

Wild side of Prof. Feynman.
haha.
__________________________________________________________
doctors pronounced my uncle a vegtable last evening.

don't feel good at all.

life can do terrible things huh.

don't want to listen to my mum's conversations.

compass.

had a nice day today (:
but must stop thinking.
don't fall.

need help for oral tomorrow. haha.

Real world.

No school today.
But definitely not a fantastic day.

Woke up, breakfast, went to CMPB.
Went to habourfront to transit to bus 408.
408 doesn't operate on weekdays.

okay screw this.
took a taxi and got scolded by the driver.
Why? He was scolding me because he thought that I was wasting money taking taxi to CMPB from habourfront instead of tiong bahru or bukit merah.
(erm hello? If i really did that you wouldn't be earning my money? so why are you scolding me? of course money isn't omnipotent but I really don't get what your problem is.)

He went on to scold the government and took me as his punching bag.
okay fine you had a hard life I can be your punching bag for a few moments.

reached CMPB.
waited for the other 4 to reach.
their taxi fare cheaper than mine lolololol.

went in, checked in, exchange for sticker.
couldn't hear what the man at the counter was saying cause his mouth was so far away from the microphone and his collegues were so noisy.
got screamed at.
can't fight with people of higher authority.
fine I shut up.

went in for medical screening.
rude people all around.
nvm, they are busy and frustrated.

but anyway, i got PES D.
have lipids near/in my heart, so have to check before I upPES.

oh well.
all these makes me think that the world isn't so kind after all.
makes my skeptical parents right.

Really felt like giving shit to everyone of them as well since when I go out to society, no one is going to care about how I feel.

But I remembered watching Harry Potter the other day, and I faintly remember Dumbledore telling Potter: "You will have to decide between what is right, and what is easy."

It is difficult to be nice to everyone around me even though they are mean to me.
But its still the right thing to do right?

oh well.
on hindsight, its not that bad a day afterall.
prepared for much worse haha.

shall learn to be nicer to everyone around me, while I still can.
3rd uncle's just got out of hospital and now 2nd uncle is in.
comma for 4th day already.
hope he can wake up soon, he will wake up soon.

After all of these things today, I feel like I've grown up a little (:

now back to tutorials!

Choice.

Lets see how things go.

Acoustic.

These acoustic covers are good haha.

I'm scared.
hope its not fatal.

caught in a landslide.

haha omg Queen! (:
haha omg exams. ):

Things aren't like what how they used to be.

omg stressed.

5. To my Dreams

Hi, I'm back.

Realised I havn't touched 30 letters for 4 months.

The last one was supposed to be on my siblings but I didn't know how to write it.
So I have been thinking about it these few months.

Decided to write a short one and publish them at the time they were supposed to be published. haha.
__________________________________________________________
To my dreams.

apt timing for this letter eh.

I don't really know which 'dream' I should talk about, so I'll do both.
haha.

The dreams that I have when I'm asleep is a relatively accurate reflection of what I think deep down.
What I think of my life right now and everything.

And in it, I dream of being with you.
I didn't sleep until 6am this morning because I was listening to this lecture on the western philosophy of love by MIT on youtube.
looks like I can be in love without falling in love haha.
oh well. we'll see how it works out.

you're not replying my message ):

As for you, the dreams I have when I'm awake, I think its actually quite impossible to achieve.

I want to become a teacher, and I was reading up on the moe scholarships and nus scholarships.
However, I talked about it with my mum this morning but got shot down by her.

I don't understand why she thinks its so bad being a teacher.
sigh.
will think carefully about it.

The other dream I have is quite academic as well.
I want to get a Phd in Physics and teach in a university.
I want to be the one to solve the unanswerable questions in physics and unify quantum physics with relativity.
I want to link M-theory with the Many World's Intepretation.
I want to be the one who will unify Religion and Science.
And I think I have something in my head.
but can't work it out as of yet.

But, I can't even grasp basic maths and physics at A levels.
I don't think i will have a chance to pursue physics overseas.
And I'm not exactly a believer anymore ever since i've backslided.
so, we'll see how.
I think God will have a purpose for me. But I'm not even certain if he exists.
so contradictory and.. ironic.
Why am I so scared of uncertainties?

As for the third dream I have, its to meet someone special.
I guess its everyone's dream.
But I can't even love myself, how can I love someone else?

And somehow I hope that someone special is you.
even though I'm still uncertain about this feeling I have everytime I see you.

Like how Richard Feynman puts it, "I can live with doubt and uncertainty, and not knowing. I think it is much more interesting to live not knowing, than have answers which might be wrong."

my favourite quote from him. haha.

looks like I have to be more optimistic.
uncertainty makes life.. interesting. haha.

oh well.
lets see how I can work towards you.

yours truly.
________________________________________

okay. back to studying.

physical geog paper was alright.
but can't say the same for human (next tuesday)

wish me luck!

Now its history.

I'm tired.

I'm just tired.

winner takes it all.

hi.

Watched X men with the JJ Leona and Bree on thursday and it was fabulous.
haha. liked the story line.

life sucks pretty much now cause I want to study but I'm doing it so slowly and I feel so unmotivated.
wait till the stress gets to me. sigh.

Have been looking at Feynman's lecture series.
He is a really intelligent man. awe inspiring. really.

feel so inferior to him.

I feel like shit now.
spoiled my day lah knn.
can't understand why some people say stuff the way they do.

sigh.

I've been trying to figure out the meaning to this song for a very long time.

I still can't figure anything out.

Or maybe I can.

What is this.

There's a certain sadness that's been hingeing on for quite a while now. I'm not sure what it is, really, or why the sadness even comes about. Perhaps m being too polite here. But I miss so many people i can't believe how much it's affecting me. Like in basketball trainings now. It used to be such a team effort, we'd get on by together. We ran together and learned set plays together. We had gatherings together regardless of the certain hierarchy that always plagues sports teams. I don't know why but with the new academic year and the departure of the seniors, everything's evolved to such immense competition between one another. I don't know why singularity is so prominent in a team sport. And I don't know why I go to trainings feeling so sad and alone. But then again it's probably just me, because most of the team, if not everyone, seem happy with how things are the way they are now.


Maybe the sadness doesn't come from trainings, but rather the realization of fading friendships, ones I've cultivated over the years, not by myself but an effort of both. The other day, our care person, or form teacher, was sharing a story with us about a friend who was too needy. The friend couldn't understand why she didn't have time for her anymore, because our care person had just taken up a new and demanding job, thus had lesser time to spend with the friend, who couldnt understand the situation and ended up confronting the care person. It was at that point that my care person realised that the friendship should end, because something in that bond was broken. Although now they still talk every now and then, things can't be revertedto how things were before, because trust is gone, and the mutual understanding is gone. Then she asked the class, if we've had any such experiences. The class was silent, as it always was, but somehow I had a feeling we've all been through it before.

Somehow or rather when she asked us that question, my mind floated to a particular friend. We were once so close we were like sisters. People said we looked alike, with me being the older of the two. We had frequent HTHs and we had frequent arguments as well, but the latter always made us stronger. But then with many arguments a turning point came and, although it's unfair to say, I think I felt tired. It was an argument about trust, and I've always had trust issues. Eventually, a few months later we made up, because she was and still is an important friend in my life. But it's never the same now, as compared to how it used to be. We can't have HTHs the way we used to, and we can't take pictures the way we used to, strange to say. A part of me feels forced, and a part of me feels sorry. I do miss the times we've shared, and I hate for not being able to reciprocate the excellent friendship she's been giving. Something's missing, and I don't know what it is, no I don't know what it is, as John Mayer sings. Perhaps one day things will change. Maybe one day I'll be reminded.

- from http://friedmummy.blogspot.com/

so tired and confused.
I really don't know what I want lah.

everything really feels wrong you know.
like i'm making use of you.
a substitute.

but sometimes this voice inside me screams for you.

idk lah.

everything is just so wrong.

):

Pirates of the carribean was good.
oh well.

I woke up this morning feeling so afraid.

Afraid that I'll lose everything.

broke my jar of hearts.

concert finally over.
haha. great night yesterday.
was really happy. best performance ever.

will miss everyone.

should start studying huh.

):

Need a break. so sat down and thought about things.

Things I really need now.

1) Guitar concert to go well.
2) Time to start studying and consolidating stuff.
3) idle, sleep, slack, relax. rest up. I'm burnt out.
4) music.
5) sort out my thoughts.
6) start doing tutorials.
7) clear my room
8) pass napfa.
9) Decide where to go next.
10) Score well for Chinese, and essentially the rest of my subjects (SAT as well huh)

Things I want to do soon

1) Photography. (with a decent camera, soon (: )
2) Go out with long lost friends and talk about stuff all day.
3) Cry my heart out.
4) laugh. genuinely.
5) watch a movie. (Harry Potter!)

But before that, better get my ass moving.
have lots of things to be done.

okay off to bathe.
long night tonight.

Sigh.

respect.





One republic has great songs :)

Election results out.
oh well lets see what happens.
haha.

work that has to be done is impossible lol ):

Strangers, again.

I don't want this to happen. ):
now's not the right time.

why am i feeling so messed up?

KL/kuantan trip was okay.
made friends with some peeps haha.
but it was lonely. ):

PAA results not delievered yet!
so worried.

but for now, screw acads, screw everything.
syf now.

k bye.

deep down there.

Its raining outside now.
long time since I'm resting on a saturday huh.

This week was so screwed.
work work and work.
really thankful that i got through this week.
shouldn't have procasinated last weekend. haha.

so tired and all.
sigh.

have been talking alot to w. these few days.
but somehow everything feels wrong.
like, not very wrong; just not correct.

somehow, I realised that maybe its not because that deep down I have not accepted this feeling.
Rather, it might be because I have feelings for someone else.

But either way, I'm glad that she's my friend. haha.

still, I'm so confused by everything thats going on; every sensation that I experience.
I get very disappointed when I don't see her.
But I don't feel anything when I'm with her.
ironic right. haha.

anyway, syf is coming, so exhausted by all the practices.
slept before 11pm everyday for tha past week.
hahaha.

kinda sad and confused though.
everyone's just going through the motions.
no feel.

Was blog hopping and browsing through facebook when I saw jlj's post.
one sentence, but bringgs back memories with him.
brings back the warm fuzzy feeling which I cannot describe with my limited vocabulary (nice excuse for being lazy lol)
but still, I'm quite sad that I didn't have the chance to see him that say when I met up with mel chinhow and zihui.

Getting mentally prepared for the 10km marathon (can only get ready mentally, not physically cause I didn't train AT ALL) tomorrow, hope I survive really.
Doing it for NYAA Gold, but can't wait for everything to be over.

Everything is happening too fast.
Ns check-up coming soon.
soon I'm going to go to uni and I'll grow up and work in the real world.
really tired.
need to talk to someone.

watched this lecture a couple of days ago.
Really respect Richard Feynman.



Realised Zac and Josh left paramore.
oh well.
I still miss the old paramore.
no good music these days.

miss friends.
miss those old days.
miss feeling something deep down inside.
miss love.

time to start on work huh.
really want to dissect my emotions and really understand how I really feel.

okay wait.
lunch first! hahaha.

It has been some time since I found songs that i like. (:

havn't started studying! so stressed IDK where to start )X


I know deep down, I feel something.
But it is deep down there, that i refuse to admit it as well.

wa die. not the best time to think about stuff like this right.

but anyway, thanks so much for lending me the book today.
gonna help save my sorry ass for urban geog haha.

created a tumblr.
wanted to create one for a while and finally found a layout that i like hahaha.
might stay there for a while.

might pop back here once in a while though (:

The law is here not to restrict us, but to keep us free.

If we did whatever we wanted and sin,
what peace do we have?

The law is here to set us free; free from guilt.

Ironic, but in a good way.

I wanttt :)

This is just for the record, but today's practice really made me think abit.

We started on Spanish coffee, our 3rd syf piece.
kinda late huh.

but even though we were not prepared, he still continued to do the piece with us, which is something I wouldn't have done.
Patience is key, really.
I think we made a lot of progress, as compared to nothing. hahaha.

Mrs Toh's words after practice really struck me as well.

Sometimes, we don't really think about Mr Liauw's feelings.
If we are more prepared, he'll be happier and more motivated, right?

for the record, for the record.
but set me thinking.

jyjy kay.

you that that you can do it.

for her. for them. for God.

WHAT THE HELL.

WHY AM I TAKING ALL OF THIS SHIT?
I AM NOT ANYONE'S SHITHOLE, NOR AM I A TOILET BOWL.

I don't deserve this. I don't deserve this.
I really don't.

Its so unfair.
unclefuckers can just go to hell.

FUCK YOUR OWN SHIT AND LEAVE ME ALONE.

Fate.

“I have noticed even people who claim everything is predestined, and that we can do nothing to change it, look before they cross the road.”

-Stephen Hawking

looks like I was wrong huh.

4. To my siblings

You guys are a part of my life.
really thank you.

IDK how things will turn out next time (you'll never know what'll happen hahaha touchwood) but I'll want to stay with the two of you.

Little actions that mean a lot. (:

Though sometimes we quarrel a lot, I know that deep down blood is thicker than water.(:

Thank you both.

look forward to the future (:

Isaiah 58:1 - 9

1 "Shout it aloud, do not hold back.
Raise your voice like a trumpet.
Declare to my people their rebellion
and to the house of Jacob their sins.

2 For day after day they seek me out;
they seem eager to know my ways,
as if they were a nation that does what is right
and has not forsaken the commands of its God.

They ask me for just decisions
and seem eager for God to come near them.

3 'Why have we fasted,' they say,
'and have you not seen it?
Why have we humbled ourselves,
and you have not noticed?'

"Yet on the day of your fasting, you do as you please
and exploit all your workers.

4 Your fasting ends in quarreling and strife
and in striking each other with wicked fists.
You cannot fast as you do today
and expect your voice to be heard on high.

5 Is this the kind of fast I have chosen,
only a day for a man to humble himself?

Is it only for bowing one's head like a reed
and for lying on sackcloth and ashes?

Is that what you call a fast.
a day acceptable to the LORD?

6 "Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
and break every yoke?

7 Is it not to share your food with the hungry
and to provide the poor wanderer with a shelter -
when you see the naked, to clothe him,
and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?

8 Then your blood will break forth like the dawn,
and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness will go before you,
and the glory of the LORD be your rear guard.

9 Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;
you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.

I found my answer.

I will obey.
Lead me not into temptation, but deliver me from the evil one.

Thank you God.
Amen.

sometimes I take things for granted.

still smiling even though sometimes I'm close to tears.

I need to start work.

Time to change url as well huh.
need to put the past behind me.

shall continue with 30 days since I have the time now.
___________________________________________________________________________
To my Parents

I know this letter is way overdue. If you havn't noticed already, I've been avoiding this letter. I really don't know what to write. Its like, I don't know how I should feel about everything, including how I should feel towards the two of you, and you.
I know sometimes I take things for granted, but its only because I don't know what it means to be thankful, what it means to love. I'll try to change, but give me some time.

Dear mum, even though I know you won't read this (I really hope you don't), I wanna thank you for all you've done. There's really nothing much I can do to repay you huh.
Waking me up everyday, doing the chores, cooking my meals, ironing my stuff, checking on me in the middle of the night, and even putting down your pride sometimes when its not even your fault. I know I havn't been the best son, but still I'll try my best. I know that most of the decisions are for our good and I really hope that despite getting frustrated about how thrifty you can sometimes be, I will learn a lot from you as well. Please understand that I'm still learning, including how to be more patient.

Dear dad, I think i'm growing up to become more like you. most people might say that you are skeptical and all and I don't think anyone will understand your life. I know that deep down inside, you have a lot of scars, much more than I have. I really hope that deep down inside, your heart hasn't harderned like mine, and I really hope that God will do wonders for you. Even though you are pretty nonsensical most of the time and most of the time I cannot stand it, I must admit that I inherited a lot of your nonsense and learnt a lot from you. I know I'm starting to become skeptical as well, but yeah lets embrace what this world has for us together yeah. I havn't been the best son to you as well, and despite you trying to teach me some stuff, sometimes I'm just so stubborn and I refuse to listen. I really hope that somehow, I'll learn to be humble, and I'll learn how to relate to you better.

I know the two of you havn't been in the best of health, but there's nothing much I can really do. I can only leave it up to God (I know I havn't been praying as frequently as I should, but I'm still skeptical about everything, including the power of prayer.) Hope you two live to a ripe old age. I really don't know what I'll do if you two were to disppear from my life suddenly. I know this sounds selfish, but I really want you two to stay on earth as long as possible to be with me.

I really wanna say those three words but I really don't know what it means to love.
And even though I don't know what it really means to be thankful as well, all I can say for now is "thank you both". "thank you" is the only thing I can say.

As for you father up there, I know I'm the most twisted and wretched person you have ever seen. deep down inside, there is so much frustration, so much anger, so much hatred, so much negative emotion that my heart has harderned already. I have so much lust and desire in me that causes me to sin again and again. But still, I remain unharmed by satan's ways, because of your grace. I really don't know what I should do really. I'm so skeptical of everything and I don't know what it means to trust anymore. I no longer feel assured. Its not because I worry, its because I cannot find peace. There's so much conflict within me everyday, so much sadness I really don't know how to express myself. I really don't know what to do now, I feel so helpless. I hope that you can help me get out of this struggle. Maybe this is a stage whereby I will grapple with my sins. I really don't know. I need guidiance, and I hope that you can help me. Help me find joy, help me find peace and help me find love.

Sometimes, I really wonder if its FCBC's failure to follow up that caused me to become like that. Or was it circumstances, or was it just me, my very own nature? or is this all a test that you have set to test my faith that I have failed terribly.

I don't need answers. All I need, is for you to help me become more humble, less hypocritical, and help me become more joyful, and in the process, less skeptical.

for all the days where you have made beautiful, I really thank you.
really, thank you.

I don't know how I can thank you other by praising you and working in the bb ministry.
However, I don't think I'm helping much.
All I hope is that you are happy with what i've done.

All I need now, is peace, for both everyone around me and myself.

Thank you to the three of you.
from your prodigal son who is underserving of your forgivness and grace.

something good! :))))

Thank God really.

we shall see :)

And now they're gone and you wished you could give them everything.

I was thinking about you, thinking about me.
Thinking about us, what we were going to be.

Open my eyes, it was only just a dream.

So I travel back, down that road.
Will she come back? No one knows.
I realize, it was only just a dream.

feel miserable.

2. Crush.

I guess, life gets better after the shit is over. haha.

anyway, i got to get strarted on work!
must get motivated!

Paper work for President's and NYAA Gold must start soon also!
WOO!

I'm so glad I attended cell on friday!
Shared with Sir kumfai and the rest about me cheating during pe lesson and they laughed about it hahahaha.

"If I were you I would have done the same thing!"

haha.
guess I have to stand firm on my feet from now on and not be swayed by peer pressure.

was so tired that i slept from 7am to 7pm!
went back to sleep and was late for church today!
oops hahahahaha.

anyway, I shall conutinue with 30 letters that I promised.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
To you,

I don't really know how to start this letter. I'm not even sure if I should be writing this to you, cause I'm not even sure if I like you.
maybe its because you're always so quiet when we're together and I don't really know much about you.
I know usually I talk a lot but I'm not sure if you know about me though. but that doesn't matter right? at least not for now. hahaha.

You know how conincidences always occur? like for the two of them and you?
How we live only one block apart but we're so 'far apart'?
How we used to be from the same tuition center but never talked at all?

sometimes I just feel so lost.
I don't know if you'll become another mistake.
I don't dare to take the first step, I'm afraid to open up.
I'm afraid to start liking you.

not that I don't love the way you are.
I know you're a great person and all, but still...

thats the truth for you.

I think (not believe, cause I'm still pretty much or very unsure) that God is the way and the truth, but He commands that two must be of same faith to be in one flesh.
Thats also why I'm afraid.
I don't want to be disconnected from the church.

I know that I used to believe and I want my faith back. I don't want to stray anymore. I'm trying hard to believe again, but its hard.
Maybe because my heart has hardened already, but still, I want you to know about the good news.
I want us to grow togther in spirit. I want us to grow old together.
I want us to be happy.

I want the two of us to be in heaven after we die.

Thank God the sermons for the next 3 months are on evangelism.
Hope I can grow and hopefully, you can know about Him as well.

Four more months of akward practices, nine more months of akward bus rides and conversations.

And we shall see how :)

love you.

FUCKED UP LIFE THIS IS.
I FEEL TERRIBLE.

I NEED HELP.

PLEASE, THINK THE NEXT TIME YOU ACT.
YOU'RE SO STUPID.

INTEGRITY, VALUES.
THINK LAH YOU STUPID FUCKED UP GUY WHO LIKES SCREWING YOUR OWN LIFE UP.















All I need now, is forgiveness.


I need to forgive myself.

Day 1,

Today was such a depressing day.
What a way to start off the first post of the year huh.

School was alright today.

The only things that upset me were 1) school kicking R paper failures.
rawr. its plain unreasonable.
I'll pray for you.

2) Change of teacher in charge.
I'll miss ms wong yy ):
oh well, I've worked with the new teacher so it should be alright.

anyway, I saw this on yiwei's blog and thought that it was quite interesting.
writing a letter to each person for each day. hahaha.

here goes:

Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only a day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want to tell everything to, but are too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi voice in my head

I'm writing to you even though the letter is supposed to be for my best friend, not because I have no best friend, but because all of them are equally important. If anyone of them were to be removed from my life, my life will become incomplete.

So, I guess you're the only one that knows me inside out huh.

I need sleep so badly.
I wanna cry so badly but tears are just stuck there.
so irritating.

I know that sometimes things do not go your way (our way actually) but stay strong!
You know that you're golden.

Sometimes you know that you are too honest for your own good.
Stay honest, you know that you're doing it right.

Sometimes you get make mistakes, don't think you're stupid, cause you're not.

Sometimes you get tired, take a break, you'll need it.

Sometimes you are unsure, pray, God will bring you home.

you know you are strong, you know you can do it.
you may feel insecure sometimes, but just know that its alright.
go for it. you know what you want.

Cheers.
Yours truly.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

alright, I really need start on homework now.
matyhs maths maths!

pray that I can last through the night.