Check-up

can't seem to think of a title for this post.

very tired now.

Well, fast, hectic but long week.

1. First Stand-by-Universe on Thursday cause someone from our sister company Falcon lost his magazine (not 8-days etc, but a weapon part) and they had to search the entire cluster for it (and still not found)

Well, God bless him. lol.

2. Road March this week!
It was good! Morale was high, everyone was keeping good pace.
Well, I must admit that it was mostly due to CPT Fong leading the platoon in cadence.
Not a guardsman for nothing. He made us echo and sing whatever he sang for more than 2km without stopping to think of another song.
That is called professionalism I swear.

Really have to learn how to bring the morale of the team up.
Morale is key. It is like fire when cooking a soup.
Too little, or too much is not good.
But just the right fire will make whatever that stops us, burn to ashes.

3. Current Affairs discussion this week: If you were the pilot, would you have dropped the A-bomb on Japan?

First thing that came to my mind - Yes.
I was so convinced at first that it was a necessary evil to drop the bomb.
I would have dropped the bomb. As many times needed to end the war.

They deserved it. They are a evil nation who wanted to gain at the expense of others.
And whoever is part of that nation shall die.

But no.

We are supposed to fight for people who cannot protect themselves.
yes - civilians; those on the enemy's side as well.
What makes the lives of people in my country more important than the lives of people in other countries?

But what about those who were killed and raped and destroyed by the Japs?
were they not innocent?
The Japs deserved it.
Yes, they are civillians, but everyone knows there are consequences; positives and negative ones, for every decision one makes.
Since they benefited from the war, the civilians should go down with the war as well.
Blast them, blast them all.

And then, I thought of everyone I loved getting blasted by the A-bomb.

fuck.

they didn't have a choice - it was the leaders who made the mistakes, not them.

In the end, I still submitted the assignment saying 'yes, I'll drop the bomb."
But this is a question worth thinking about.

What happened to caring for everyone, what happened to the universal brotherhood I believed in?
What happened to the humility I've always believed everyone should have?

need to check myself.

4. the PFTs says that I have very bad posture.
Realised it now.
need to correct it.

5. chanced upon the midshipmen course on cyber-pioneer. its essentially ocs for the navy)
Interesting and cool. haha. AND I SAW FERRON in the videos! Its really damn cool.

Had PC interview last night, talked to PC.
well, I'm really far from what I want.

its how badly I want it, how much i am willing to work hard for it.

I'm fighting for what I want, which is good.
But, I got to fight harder.

need some time alone to myself.
don't feel like talking to anyone, or going out.

dropped out from guitar performance, declined to go out with friends. (while I can't make it for the ones I really wanna see)
well, hope I can get things sorted out soon.

6. Have guard duty on Labour Day.
Well, actually not my guard duty, but covering for someone haha.
anyway, if you are reading this, you better have a good day out alright! (:

7. stop snacking.

8. short week ahead!
hope it'll pass by fast.
BMT is starting to get more fun.
and more stressful.

need to keep my mental state of mind in check.

9. really sleepy.
will sleep now. (2259 already. usually light out 20mins before now)

10. long weekend ahead (well, longer than usual i suppose)
Will restock on supplies and music (:

11. Well, havn't thought of a title, so sha-
okay wait, have a title already (:

bye.

Let me back in.

Have you ever felt like beauty was right in front of you, and you start to lose grip of it.

"we partake in each other's success and failure"

Nothing much this week, just that... (Starts importing stuff from learnet reflections)

1. first 5 day week in a long time. so it has been a pretty long week.

 2. First turnout for the company this week. Well, its supposed to be punishment, but I found it quite funny and was laughing and smiling to myself about it hahaha. Remembering doing it with the others and on my Boys and it was actually great fun. #saddist not that the turnout was shit or what (if it were real shit I wouldn't be laugh about it anymore), but I guess many will agree that it is stuff like this that we remember the most haha.

3. Current Affairs this week was intersting. "Should war exist?" Well, it really got me thinking. and wrote quite a bit on leanet for it :P

4. Cut timing for 2.4km to 11.33, target to cut another min by next ippt.

5. broke zero for pull ups on the day after ippt. was quite happy, but I sort of discovered its only the start. (start of a long journey lol) (8 more to go!)

6. I really have much to learn. Need to start using my 'common sense' (which isn't very common in the army)

7. NUS interview was both alright I guess. The professors were very friendly, and it was just a brief chit chat session to learn more about us. But I guess I was over-enthusiastic HAHAHA. (which might be both good and bad) and they asked me a physical geog question on earthquakes which I'm not sure if I answered correctly (oh gawd) (didn't think of the recent tsunami warnings as well ):) And they asked about my chinese grades (which i didn't realise and said 'not very sure why' and only realised it 2 hours after the interview SHIT) but oh well its over and I think I did fairly well haha.

8. Guitar Performance next week. Quite nervous about it ): no time to practice. need to startttt.

 9. 4 day break after this week! gogogo! (: Looking forward to the next week!

Ready to Strike.

This song makes me so happy. (:

 Its been a long week in camp, especially since its right after the long weekend.

Anyway, 2 road marches (3km) in a week, PT and more PT and screwing up far too many times this week.
But my section and Platoon mates are there to help me, so I guess I'm alright.

Well, feel damn bad about blowing my top again this week.
It was me over-reacting, and I should stop getting so defensive.
Well, it takes time I suppose.

On the other hand, NUS Undergrad Scholarships offered me an interview.
Not much time to prepare, so I'll just have to show them who I am.
If they like me, I'll be happy. If they don't, then its their loss.
___________________________________________________________________________
I really have to up my game.
screwed up too many times, let go of too many opportunities.

There are too many things that I want.
I'll have to start fighting for them; I have to show that I deserve all I get.

I really hate fighting, cause with someone's victory comes another's loss, and I hate to be the one who loses, and I don't want anyone else to feel sad either.

But I guess I have to start looking beyond that.

Cause within every struggle, within every fight, there is courage; there is sacrifice.
and these are what make people great.

I'll have to start learning and start to fight and struggle.

I fucking want it, and I will fight for what I want.

and maybe at the end of the fight, there is sportsmanship; there is brotherhood.
and maybe even if we lose, we found a greater feeling than winning itself.

It'll be hard, but it'll be worth it.
so don't you dare let yourself down time and time again and tell yourself 'its alright', cause its not.
there's only that one chance there and then, and you better do what is right; what is honorable; and do what is you best.

I'll look forward to the fight.

First, you guess it.

by far one of my favourite feynman series videos.
short, but really highlights feynman's humour and influence on people's lives. (esp. his sister)
enjoy and appreciate it (:

The inconceivable nature of nature.

tears.

well, glad the wake is over now.

Remember CPT Fong telling us on the first day we enlisted, that humans are the most stupid creatures on earth, because they never learn from other's mistakes; they can only learn from their own.

I agreed with what he said, but I never understood how deep the statement was.

well, I really have much to learn.

The Atlantic was born today, and I'll tell you how.
The clouds above opened up and let it out.

I was standing on the surface of a perforated sphere.
When the water filled every hole,
And thousands upon thousands made an ocean,
Making islands where no island should go.
Oh no.

Most people were overjoyed; they took to their boats.
I thought it less like a lake and more like a moat.
The rhythm of my footsteps crossing floodlands to your door,
Have been silenced forever more.
The distance is quite simply much too far for me to row,
It seems farther than ever before.
Oh no.

I need you so much closer
I need you so much closer
I need you so much closer
I need you so much closer
I need you so much closer
I need you so much closer
I need you so much closer
I need you so much closer

I need you so much closer
I need you so much closer
I need you so much closer
I need you so much closer

So come on, come on
So come on, come on
So come on, come on
So come on, come on

Physics textbook salvaged from the physics lab, table lamp, this song, night breeze, me.
Its a beautiful night tonight.

阿嫲过桥

烧纸钱，是我们华人一个很重要的习俗。
我们烧纸钱，有很多原因。
我们烧纸钱的其中一个原因，就是死者在世时，没有好好的让他过好日子，没好好孝顺他。
人死了以后，为了解脱这种愧疚感，我们唯一能为死者做的事，就是烧纸钱，希望他们在阴间，能过无忧无虑的好日子。

婶婶说烧纸钱，不是烧得火越大越好，而是烧得越久越好。
烧纸钱，不只是让我们解脱我们心里的遗憾。
烧纸钱，不只是希望刚过世的人能安心上路。
烧纸钱，也是提醒我们祖先的付出。
烧纸钱，是我们孝顺祖先的一种方式，也是我们表现出我们在心里，对过世的人的思念。

烧纸钱，越久越好，是提醒我们，不能忘记祖先们的牺牲，要饮水思源，要把他们久久地牵挂在心里。
烧纸钱，也是要我们勇敢的向前走；要我们勇敢地爱还在世的人，不要后悔。
阿嫲，您现在，再也不用为我们操心了。
希望您安心上路。

阿嫲，过桥。

bang.

finished counting coins for later.

can't get to sleep.
sleeping and waking up only at 1am was part of the reason (so tired I didn't go down tonight), but I just can't sleep.

been thinking about so many things. the past. the present. the future.
been thinking about everyone that used to be part of my life, people whom are part of my life right now, and how I'm uncertain what will happen next; to me, and to them.

Death now has a new meaning for me.
Its not just about what happens to the person who dies.

If you are of a certain faith, you may say that one goes to heaven to hell after one dies.
If you are an atheist, you may say that that the end of the story.

But for me now, death means more.
Its not the end of the story.
The story goes on.

I came to realise (I don't usually think about such stuff) that death is also about the people who are left behind in the living world; what happens to them, what struggles will they need to pull through, what courage they must have to overcome whatever happen, and how they will do it.

I certainly don't believe in heaven or hell.
But, I might just be in hell now.

(maybe I used to believe in heaven and hell, but maybe I don't anymore. just maybe.).

better still, hell has yet to come.
or maybe its not all that bad and i'm just fucking myself up.

bang.

Its always the uncertainty that scares me.
so much for me telling everyone to go ahead and try when I myself forget how fearful it gets once in a while.

and every time I talk about uncertainty and death, I'll remember Feynman and Sagan and many others who   faced their own deaths with such courage.

I have much to learn.

anyway, a piece of 'good news' from this depressing period.
NTU invited me for an interview session for CN Yang Scholars Programme and the undergrad scholarship.
But not really keen on NTU, so not sure if I should go and try just to get myself warmed up for other interviews (like NUS which I hope will reply me soon), or just give up and reject them straight.

I'll have to take leave from RT if I go for the interview which means I will pile up my RT, and this means that I can't take leave for other matters anymore, which sucks cause I'll have to give up the guitar performance (which sucks cause I'm on the verge of giving up now cause I havn't had time to practice at all.)

this is just another low period which I think will get over soon.
soon, I hope.

of course, I can always be optimistic and say I'll try my best for everything and not get RT and go for everything I want blah blah blah.

but its not so easy anymore.

ah screw this i'm going to sleep.

Worry.

As we grow older, i realize that we start thinking more about death. Not to go all morbid on yall, but isnt it true?

I get worried when my mom comes home late from work, or if my dad suddenly takes a little longer to get home from buying dinner. Its also really sad that i've attended a few of my friends' parent's funerals in the past few years.

I know death is inevitable, but the worst thing is it coming as a shock. We really have to treasure the people we have around us, because who knows how long more we'll have them around? How long more will we have to hear them scream and nag at us? Or to hear them say they love us?

Don't let yourself regret the things you've never done, or the words you've never had the chance to say.

- from http://mehmmy.blogspot.com/

This has been happening to me for a very long time.
I finally realise that it doesn't feel good to worry about someone. (though I know perfectly that it won't help at all)
I keep thinking and worrying about everyone when they are out on errands or out working.
and when I finally take my mind of it, death comes when you least expect it.

I really don't know what to do.

so tired/shag/exhausted whatever. (exhausted all the words already).
was on for night shift cause everyone else had to work or go for school.
just kept folding and folding the paper money until dawn.

I don't like going for funerals.
not just because it means someone has left the world, but because usually all the tension and stress and problems that have been well hidden will start to surface and it starts to kill everyone emotionally.

havn't slept a wink.
going for lunch now before sleeping.
going to get busy tonight again.

Safety Breach.

hello.
I guess you are wondering what I'm doing online at home on a weekday when I should be in camp.

well, grandma passed away yesterday morning at the ripe old age of 91 .
got up for her usual cup of coffee, went back to sleep and never woke up again.

I only got hold of the news yesterday night, so booked out immediately.
kind of upset me that I got hold of the news so late, but its my own fault I guess.
shows my commitment to my family huh.

It is really sudden you know, saw her like a few weeks ago and she was still fine.
When I switched on my phone yesterday night and received the message, I really went 'what the fuck'.
couldn't believe it.
I remember telling myself to cherish everyone around me just 2 blog posts ago, and just when I was about to do something, these things happen.

I'm always too slow huh.

booked out, and the people on guard duty were like "shiok ah can book out"
I didn't want to take leave, not this kind of leave at least.
and thursday being ippt, I guess I screwed myself over.
missing out on days of pt, will have to catch up myself.

need to start trying my best and stop being such a sore loser.
need to change.

getting today and tomorrow off.and friday being good friday, and monday being block leave, I have almost a week off camp.
better make it productive though i'll be busy helping out at the wake.

went for the funeral, everyone was alright.
I guess everyone kind of saw it coming, especially with all that has been happening.
second uncle's death, third uncle's stroke, and fourth uncle going bankrupt, all in one year.
but the thing is now that grandma's gone, I think that hell's gonna break loose.
hope what I foresee won't come true.
gonna have to give my mum more support than what I am giving right now.

second funeral in this 6 months. don't want another one.
the sight of someone lying in there isn't a pretty one.
the thick make-up doesn't actually cover how pale and lifeless the body is.

there's still so much about life I don't know.

they say grandma passed away peacefully, but did she really have peace when she went?
I don't know, but hope she's fine, and if there's a heaven, I hope she doesn't bring all her troubles there.

The past week at camp was good.
pt pt and pt, and did technical handling of the SAR21 the past 2 days.
I guess it is easier to handle things when you understand its basic principles. (for both the SAR21 and physics haha)

nus science accepted me last thursday. (submitted my choice on sunday. first time so efficient)
had a talk with dad just now about my course.
well, he's not actually against physics, he is just against the scholarship I want. (he doesn't want me to teach)
I guess I didn't communicate properly to him about my interest in CAG and SIA scholarship so its my fault.
trying out only next cycle.

Had RT last saturday so booked out late.
and while booking out, along the ferry terminal, I told sean 'the shore is really pretty!'
and he said 'no, it is so barren!'
I disagree with how he thinks though.
Just because it is barren doesn't mean it cannot be beautiful.
like mountains or sand dunes, it can be barren and beautiful at the same time.

oh, and talking about this, ns is such a funny experience.
I get to meet people everywhere.
I get to see hanren everyday (cause he is just the next company), see dylan everyday (duhhh HAHAH).
but it is not just them. I see primary school friends, secondary school friends, jc friends, BB friends, all in camp.
and the funny thing is, sometimes they all know each other too haha.

and the tekong nightsky is beautiful.
can see so many stars (:

oh, sum41 actually has a new album.
didn't realise until dylan and jinjie were talking about music in camp.

this is my favourite song off the album, hope you like it too.

Hold me now, 'cause I couldn't even if I tried,
It's over now,
I guess it really is my time,
I don't wanna go,
but it's time I got to say goodbye,
So, hold me me now,
'cause this will be our last time.

I'm slowing down and I don't think that I can fight,
I know some how you'll find a way to live your life,
Remember just to live every day like it's your last,
And hold me now,

'cause I think it's time for me to pass.
I don't want to die,
I don't know why, this kind of fate was meant for me.
You got to be strong,
got to move on, it's not how it was 'sposed to be.
And what do I say,
it was never supposed to end up this way,
What do I have to do,
was I supposed to grow old with you?

But that ain't gonna happen,
No, that ain't gonna happen.

Hold me now,
'cause the time I've got's running out,
No tears allowed,
even though we've become without,
I just want to feel your head laying on my chest,
So hold me now,
as I take my last breath.

I don't want to die,
I don't know why,
this kind of fate was meant for me.
You got to be strong,
got to move on, it's not how it was 'sposed to be.
And what do I say,
it was never supposed to end up this way,
What do I have to do,
was I supposed to grow old with you?

But that aint gonna happen,
No, that aint gonna happen.

gonna go down to help out now.
she's getting cremated on saturday.