High Hopes

Broken bottles in the hotel lobby
Seems to me like I'm just scared of never feeling it again
I know it's crazy to believe in silly things
But it's not that easy

I remember it now, it takes me back to when it all first started
But I've only got myself to blame for it, and I accept it now
It's time to let it go, go out and start again
But it's not that easy

But I've got high hopes, it takes me back to when we started
High hopes, when you let it go, go out and start again
High hopes, when it all comes to an end
But the world keeps spinning around

And in my dreams, I meet the ghosts of all the people who have come and gone
Memories, they seem to show up so quick but they leave you far too soon
Naïve I was just staring at the barrel of a gun
And I do believe that, yeah

But I've got high hopes, it takes me back to when we started
High hopes, when you let it go, go out and start again
High hopes, oh, when it all comes to an end
Now the world keeps spinning
Yeah, the world keeps spinning around

High hopes, it takes me back to when we started
High hopes, when you let it go, go out and start again
High hopes, oh,
And the world keeps spinning
Ooh, yeah, this world keeps spinning

How this world keeps spinning around

Take Care, Take Care

I used to leave no notification unchecked - Whatsapp, messenger, email, whatever. But ever since the passing of XXX, I've stopped checking or carrying on conversations as much. I've stopped promptly replying to things. I've left more things hanging and unattended to. I've stopped doing a lot of things that would ideally provide any form of catharsis. I've stopped writing or taking care of my artist or really, myself. I've stopped doing anything remotely creative. I turn up for things as planned, and submit work that is necessary. I don't know what to do in social situations. I've never really known how to make small talk, and I'm even worse at it now. I actually really am an internal ball of anxiety on a day-to-day basis. I feel big emotions within me that sprint very quickly from one to another. From anger to grief to jealousy to immense joy and back down to absolute loneliness. Other times, I generally just feel a sense of disconnect. And maybe all these has something to do with their passing and maybe it doesn't. And that's okay, I'm working on it. Somehow.

Let's do better.

Its hot as hell today.

Been reflecting on the past semester, and to be honest, I feel a tinge of regret about how things actually turned out.

The things I regretted were mostly academic, like how I didn't write my report for SP3172 properly, or giving a shit about PC2130 (QM) or SP3175 (The Earth).
But I guess I wouldn't have had the motivation to do so even if I went back in time.

This semester has reflected a general lack of self-discipline in my life, and I realise that I really need to get my shit together HAHA.

But I guess its okay; that we all slip sometimes and we lose our purpose along the way. What matters is that we find it, and we carry on. Feel strangely re-energised after everything ended, and I'm really looking to the next semester.

On another note, I've been thinking about how isolated I've been feeling recently, and that I'd actually be very lonely without Booraya. I suppose I have other friends, but everyone is busy with their own lives and I don't really want to burden them with my emotional baggage haha. I'd give alot more to be able to spend time with them, but I don't wanna get clingy. Because things never turn out well when I get clingy.

But nvm, need to focus. For now, its damage control for this semester, and lets do better for the next sem :)

Lets go :)

Moving on.

So, today was the final day I have left before holiday activities start and the mad rush begins again. Spent it clearing my room, and disposing of my A level JC notes as well as notes from the past academic year.

Brought back some nostalgia. and looked through past photos as well. I've really changed I guess. Used to be really hot-headed and all in secondary school, but mellowed down subsequently during JC. I suppose I have to thank 24/10, without whom I would have stayed hot-headed and bad-tempered. Thank you guys for being so accepting and tolerant of my nonsense for the past 5 years.

I don't really know why I am writing this now, but I really miss everyone. And I'm really thankful for them, as well as how things turned out after we graduated. I would do several things differently if I were to have the chance to repeat the journey, but who knows what I'll change in the process huh.

Really, thank you guys, and miss y'all. Don't know how I'd manage without y'all.

Results in a few hours. Prep for USP OGL camp tomorrow, and SCAMP prep camp wednesday to friday. Let's go. :)

这些年，那些年。

请别让历史重演。

Caffeinated awareness.

And so, I thought I'd write something here.

It's in the wee hours of the morning, and I'm in the common lounge trying to brainstorm ideas for my writing mod. Its already the last day of school tomorrow (read: today), but I've felt that I've not accomplished much this semester because I've felt really burnt out throughout this semester.

I wasted my draft because I was caught up with all my other deadlines. And maybe because I procrastinated. A LOT. And so I'm now suffering the consequences.

I've been thinking a lot about a certain someone recently; someone whom I used to talk a lot to, but no longer keep in contact with. Its a strange feeling, because I sorta miss her presence and talking to her, and I keep thinking about our conversations during long bus rides home. Its been 5 years since we first met, and time really flashed by without our giving us due notice. And soon enough, another 5 years will flash by.

I've also been rethinking my priorities and my future plans, and I'm really reconsidering my pursuit of a research career. To be honest, I never had a doubt about pursuing scientific research as a career, because I felt like I could do physics for the rest of my life. However, events that happened the past year has led me to rethink whether this is really all worth it. So what if I knew what black holes do when they collide together? So what?

I've also been considering the prospect of falling in love with someone, committing to someone for the rest of my life, and settling down for good. Will I have enough energy and time to make her happy if I do pursue research? Will the 5/7 years I spend on a PhD be worth it? Will I neglect and sacrifice quality time with everyone I love? Just because I like black holes or galaxies or nebulae? Just because?

The past year has really changed me huh? But its good I suppose. I've really enjoyed myself the past year, and maybe my priorities changed and I don't want to give up anything anymore.

Anyway, its 5.36am now, so don't take my words too seriously here.

Here's hoping that my stars will align.

Here's a short post then. Ciaos.

Dream Big

Come'on, don't stop here.

take care, take care.

Was talking to someone that I would consider a good friend a few days ago. Apart from talking about music and post-rock (haha common interests), we talked about how we are doing now and random nonsense.

What really struck me was how crestfallen and jaded he was because he isn't doing so well even though he is trying very hard already. It reminded me that sometimes it is not all about trying your best, because what happens when you try your best, and you aren't good enough? How broken will you be when that happens?

Of course, it reminded me of how I felt when I didn't make the cut the last time, be it in tekong or for founders. And it reminded me that i should put in my best to achieve what I wanted.

So this is a reminder, that let's not take doing well for granted; work hard and try your best for the things you want. Need to remember this, especially since this semester will be tough.

So many people got filtered out of the education system, and we are here, at the very top. So let's not take it for granted.

Supposed to watch lecture and do quizzes for SP2174, but procrastinated and read manga instead. I'm tired, but let's make this effort worthwhile.