"I want her to be just like humans, just like how I am. Beautiful."

(:

10 Things I know to be true.

I really don't know.
have to really think since I am really quite skeptical of everything around me.
including the things around me, what happened in the past, and even my own existence.
kinda.. scary.

But 10 on the list,

1) I'm here typing this because of a video that asked for 3 things we know that are definitely true off our heads without thinking too hard. (which I could not produce)
2) Just had tom yam soup for dinner.
3) I secretly think I have a mental disorder.
4) My emotions are messed up
5) So lost now. too many decisions to make.
6) I am very ill-disciplined.
7) Don't think I've gotten over this girl whom I've met some time before.
8) There is always this voice buzzing inside me. (yes.. the left brain lol)
9) I managed to shed a tear recently, which i am glad because I managed to assure myself that I am human.
10) I can't think of a 10th truth off my head just like that.

its troubling because I really don't know whats true, and whats not anymore.

music.

koped from yen peng's profile.
haha.

time to go back to the old bands.
haha.

anyway, human geog is gone.
gg.com haha.

Just woke up.
sighh havn't done very much for human geog.

been thinking about the future alot.
Don't know if I should try for Special Programme in Science, which is very prestigious, or a Minor in Forensic Science.

haha.
my mum's urging me to get a job as well.
and I guess I'll be enlisting only in March or May.
so yeah i think I might just try relief teaching.

Ms Koh stepped down from the primer's portfolio.
oh well life moves on.
at least now her workload is lighter.

don't know if i should continue serving with 48th.
everything there is so awkward, and yeah kind of lost my purpose there.
oh well we shall see how.

hang on k.

"Sometimes we have thoughts that even we don’t understand. Thoughts that aren’t even true—that aren’t really how we feel—but they’re running through our heads anyway because they’re interesting to think about. If you could hear other people’s thoughts, you’d overhear things that are true as well as things that are completely random. And you wouldn’t know one from the other. It’d drive you insane. What’s true? What’s not? A million ideas, but what do they mean?"

"We all run on two clocks. One is the outside clock, which ticks away our decades and brings us ceaselessly to the dry season. The other is the inside clock, where you are your own timekeeper and determine your own chronology, your own internal weather and your own rate of living. Sometimes the inner clock runs itself out long before the outer one, and you see a dead man going through the motions of living."

"To fear death, my friends, is only to think ourselves wise, without being wise: for it is to think that we know what we do not know. For anything that men can tell, death may be the greatest good that can happen to them: but they fear it as if they knew quite well that it was the greatest of evils. And what is this but that shameful ignorance of thinking that we know what we do not know?"

some stuff to think about.

omg stressed ttm.

chem chem chem.

for elim.
really.

蝴蝶飞

this movie is so annoying sad.

Lost Halcyon Days.

happened to chance upon some of the emails that I exchanged with a certain someone.
haha kind of miss him as a classmate.

glad to see that his blog is back up and running.

was feeling horrible last night.
can't let go of my past mistakes, can't forgive myself.
sometimes it ain't my fault, we're all pawns of circumstances.
but still..

made too many mistakes, gave too many chances, lost too many friendships, let go of too many convictions.

I let it all slip by.

should stop thinking so much eh.

ending off with a quote from his blog:

"Lastly, life got better this year, despite some fucked up things and people. I won't talk about the kind of darkness i used to live in and how bleak my mental state used to be now. But i'll just end off being thankful that i've stepped out of most of it.

I used the word "most". Because no one can ever completely step out of darkness."

I thought I grew out of the darkness.
but it looks like it has always been at the back of my mind.

it scary how it consumes me once in a while.

okay.
back to studying!

Checklist

Saw this checklist somewhere.
haha so decided to check myself against it.

1. Compare your ex to someone new and feel relieved
2. Compare your ex to someone new and feel regret
3. Go on a terrible date that convinces you that you’ll be alone forever
4. Go on a series of promising dates and tell your friends this “might be it”
5. Let the holidays serve as a reminder of the last time you had someone to spend them with
6. Spend the night drinking and dancing and kissing; walk home at 6 AM and feel content to be alone with the sunrise
7. Listen to love songs that remind you of no one; feel indifferent about feeling indifferent
8. Listen to songs that remind you of the past and cry in the fetal position
9. Be enough for yourself
10. Do the things your past relationships discouraged; be the person your past relationships suppressed
11. Feel woefully behind and kind of nervous every time a friend gets engaged
12. Forget how hard it is to watch your relationship dissolve when doling out advice
13. Get defensive when your relationship non-status becomes a topic of conversation at Thanksgiving
14. Sleep diagonal because you can
15. Feel high after a successful first date
16. Wonder if you can fall in love with someone despite the absence of an initial spark
17. Make out with someone for no reason other than you’re both single and attractive
18. Date people who are completely wrong for you because you clearly don’t know who’s right for you
19. Get drunk and mentally forgive people your sober mind can’t absolve
20. Discover one day that you’ve stopped looking and started living; let that make you smile

so far, i've "accomplished" 2, 3, 5, 6(not the drinking and kissing part though ahha), 8, 9, 16, 18, and maybe 20.

1. Compare your ex to someone new and feel relieved
2. Compare your ex to someone new and feel regret
I mean like, I can do 2 but not 1, cause I mean a loss is a loss, and who in the right mind will feel relieved losing something good.
This could have been true if I managed to get away from something bad, but if I had something that I disliked about someone I won't even fall in love with her, and she won't be my ex.
so yup as far as i'm concerned now 2 is more valid for me than 1 as of now.

3. Go on a terrible date that convinces you that you’ll be alone forever.
still remember that time.
haha feel quite lost in everything that happened that time.
don't even know whats happening.
could have been because I was more shy and all that time, but still...
its a pity and a loss I wasn't more outspoken that time.

5. Let the holidays serve as a reminder of the last time you had someone to spend them with.
(:

6. Spend the night drinking and dancing and kissing; walk home at 6 AM and feel content to be alone with the sunrise
I like walking home alone at 6am.
haha.
and I sort of like it when I stay up on my own accord and feel the night breeze.
like how the cold night changes into the morning.

8. Listen to songs that remind you of the past and cry in the fetal position.
not fetal position, but sometimes I still remember how I used to feel.
upset and everything.
sore about losing and everything.
oh well, time to grow up and let live.

9. Be enough for yourself.
I'm enough for myself as of now.
just a but too lazy for my own good (:

13. Get defensive when your relationship non-status becomes a topic of conversation at Thanksgiving
In fact, the opposite has been happening.
I get defensive when people claim that I like someone.
oh well.

16. Wonder if you can fall in love with someone despite the absence of an initial spark.
Thats whats happening now.
haha.
should I elaborate more?

17. Make out with someone for no reason other than you’re both single and attractive
dude I'm not attractive.

18. Date people who are completely wrong for you because you clearly don’t know who’s right for you.
happened last time, and maybe now. ahha.
but never date ahhh I tell you hahaha.

19. Get drunk and mentally forgive people your sober mind can’t absolve.
drunk with what? If being drunk on living counts, then maybe yes.
forgave someone before because life gave me so much more than he took away.

20. Discover one day that you’ve stopped looking and started living; let that make you smile
as of now, yes (:
quite happy about everything haha.

But, I've never been able to say I've done 7.
I can never feel indifferent about feeling indifferent.
we all got to feel something right, one way or another.
so when you don't feel anything something has to be wrong.
and I can't be indifferent when I have a problem with myself (or my conscious that is.)

oh well, what am I doing here???
gahhhh.

study lah don't be lazy.

What would you want to remember?

"The sound of the ocean, captured in a shell; like a memory. Imagine if it held something different; something more than just the sound,but just as real. And what if we had the chance to remmeber something that we actually never experienced?"

I would want to remember the first time I saw you.
I would want to remember your eyes, your hair, your smile.
I would want to remember all the messages we exchanged.
I would want to remember all the glances we stole.
I would want to remember laughter.

And, I would want to remember how its like, falling in love.

looks like I've forgotten how.