A short note.

Hi there. Not sure if anyone drops by this space anymore, but hi to whoever is reading this.

I've been wanting to write here for a very long time. Tried a few times, but words get choked up after two sentences.

Been going to school and out with friends the past week, and finally had time to sleep in today.

Woke up at 2, and been lazing around since. 

Mulled over what has been a hectic but quiet semester, and besides turning my sleep cycle upside down, the past six months since dad left made me develop a sense of self-pity. I kept on thinking that because life had dealt me bad cards, good cards will come along soon. I waited for bad days to pass, and happy days to come, and when happy days come, I waited for happier days to come. 

I just could not feel satisfied with what life gave me, and life felt sluggish and stagnant. The past week of outings and fun did cheer me up, and made me realise that if I want things, I have to make them. I want fun; make fun. I want time; make time. I want results; make results.

I'm sorry to people whom I've let down the past semester. Especially to closer friends.

Will try to be a more pro-active and happier person :)

Week 2.

It has been 3 weeks since school started! Haven't been writing here for the longest time, so here's an update!

1. Was initially on waiting list for Science O'Week '14, but I got in in the end! My OG's name was Boo (The baby girl from Monster Inc.), and had fun with them! The group was a little quiet at the start, but I think everyone opened up at the end :))) Had 8 Physics majors in my OG (MWAHAHAHA), so sorta had more common topics with these guys too. :))) Haiman and Kit, who were my seniors from scamp, were my seniors from sow too! Just glad that I had a good time. 

To top it all up, Boo got the best OG award (YAY), and got the best SP OG award too! Thank you everyone for giving me a good time at SOW, as well as at Night Rider, Flag Day and Rag day :)

2. My 2 month old laptop crashed on me after I returned from OWeek )': sent it for repair and hope nothing else happens :((((

3. Received news that i got into SPS while at Night Rider. (HAHAHA that was 4am in the morning.) News came through e-mail of course. So far, its been good. Attended SPS Camp last weekend, and met amazing people there. Deeply humbled by the way they work, especially while preparing for the final performance. Hope to have an interesting and fulfilling time with you guys!

4. Received my acceptance e-mail from USP on Thursday evening on week 1. Its a little late since I missed O-week and all, but I'm glad I made it. Will be moving into Cinnamon next week, so looking forward to meeting the people there. (Its been a tiring week ending lessons at 8-9pm, especially since I don't have a room yet ): )

I am intimidated by my workload, but tell me something worth pursuing that is not intimidating. This chance wasn't easy to come by, and I'll give it my best shot.

This time, the stakes are different.

Looking forward!

Update??

I went out to buy a laptop today. $999. 1k gone )': So while I'm updating the new laptop, I'm blogging on the old one.

Been spending a lot recently, its scary. Wonder how my savings can last me for the next four years in uni )':

USP hasn't replied me about my application. I'm really interested in their programme!! ): Oh well, there's still one last week, so lets hope for the best.

Its only been six days since I ended my contract at TJ, and I'm quite bored already. But I've set out to do several things so I hope I get to accomplish them.

Can't wait for life to start moving. Next big thing for me is Scamp, which is from the 16-20 June!! Looking forward to it :))))

Went down to A*STAR for my project on Tuesday, and yup a little setback there, but I learnt not to be daunted by the complicated symbols and equations etc.

Went out for a run just yesterday, and I've deproved a lot. Wonder how I completed that 21km last year. SIGH.

Went for an eye checkup at Ngee Ann Polytechnic today as well. One of the students at the Optometry Centre helped check my eyes, and I've been prescribed glasses. No more perfect eyesight.. HAHAH SIGH. Shall get them when I'm free too.

Came back home for lunch, before realising that there was an IT fair today, so went down to EXPO shortly after I finished lunch. Went down, hunted for a laptop, chop chop got out of the place. Don't like crowded places.

Anyway, LEMMI BITCH ABOUT WINDOWS 8!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRR

Oh wait.. my update is done. kthxbye HAHAHA.

Its been slightly more than 2 months since I've ORDed.

Been working on College Day back at TJ, and the work is alright.

Been making progress for my project at A*STAR. hopefully it'll turn out well.

Submitted my essays for USP and NUS Scholarships, and was granted an interview for USP on 7 April and an interview on 22 April.

Received a reply, and was awarded the Kent Ridge Undergraduate Scholarship on 29 April, one week after the interview. Really very privileged for the opportunity, and I will do my best.

Still waiting for USP's reply, but that is an bonus I guess. Interview for it didn't go very well (as seen from last post).

Well, gtg have work later.

can't wait for school to start. anticipating the start of school so much.

why do I always fuck my interviews up..

why why why?

A complete lack of honesty.

Its been some time since I've written properly on this space.

I've been fretting about what to write for my USP admissions essay. Despite me brainstorming for months and working on it since December, I've yet to identify a topic to work on. Its been almost 4 months, and it is so frustrating and worrying, but I can't do anything about it. I really tried so hard to start writing, but nothing comes out.

I don't know what the problem is, but I know this not my fickle mind at work. I've told many people about my inability to come up with something, and all of them told me the same thing. Write about something you really care and are passionate about. But I tried, and I just can't write.

I don't feel qualified to write about anything. ANYTHING AT ALL.

Not even something I care about. Not even Science. not even Physics.

I just feel inadequate to write. I am afraid to write and claim that I understand a certain topic.

Maybe I'm afraid that I'd be like the NUS interview all over again where the interviewers trashed me all over. The stakes are high this time; because I really want to get into the programme. It means a lot to me, and I am afraid.

I can't remember the last time I've been this afraid. I've never been this afraid before. Because I was a self-entitled person, it felt like I could get whatever I wanted. I didn't get everything, like the Founders' Award in Sec 4 (which was quite a big deal; made me cry for 2 weeks) and getting in VJ, but I had compensation, and became Best Boy and got into TJ. Other than that, I got whatever I wanted most of the time. Excellent O level results, leadership positions, awards, and decent a level grades.

The last two years was a different thing though. I failed time after time, again and again. It was like that for Command School; I really wanted to enter OCS/SCS so much. It was like that for NUS Scholarships; got trashed in the interview room. It was like that for Cambridge, and it was like that throughout my 2 years stay in 3DA.

I got afraid and questioned my self-worth, and realised that I'm not worth much in the first place. That is why I no longer feel qualified to write.

I didn't realise this at first. I thought that I was doing fine, because at the very least, I had a plan, and I thought I knew what I was doing. Things didn't look as bright anymore after I thought through my plans while doing my scholarship essays. I know I want to do Physics, but other than that, I don't know anything else.

Realising that I'm as lost as everyone else is a big shock, especially after two years of thinking through my plans, and about god, and everything else, and thinking that I have a clearer picture of things.

I will have to check my footing again, and hopefully I'll be quick enough not to fall.

While writing this post, I realised that I haven't written about how I felt for the past 3/4 years. Even when I was in TJ, most of  the posts that I were about what happened, and not about how I felt about it.

I haven't been this honest with myself for a very long time.

Its been a while.

Incomprehensible anticipation.

Anticipation.

Its been 2 months! Doesn't feel like it, but 1/6 of the year is over.

Told myself that this year will be a good year.

It will be so.

So far...

Received my driving license on my birthday :)

Spent countdown at Dylan's house and celebrated his birthday too.

Secured an attachment at A*STAR. Working on Primary Zinc/Air Batteries with Dr. Ge Xiaoming. Have to thank Ms Teo Yi Wen (IMRE's HR Officer) for replying to that e-mail :')

Celebrated Emm and Joshua's 21st Birthday, and went to surprise Pung at her house for hers too :)
Surprised Teck Yan at Changi Airbase cause he was down for guard duty on his birthday. Hope you liked the surprise!

Attended Darwin Day at UTOWN NUS with Joel. The talk sparked a little curiosity.

COSMOSSG! Neil deGrasse Tyson came to NUS :) Thanks Cass for inviting. :)

Attended Mak Han Ren's ORD Parade. HAHA basket ORD 2 weeks earlier than me.

Reynold Heng's 21st was spent watching lone survivour. I could guess rightaway that the soundtrack was by Explosion in the sky. :)

Sent Dylan and Abdullah off for studies in Aussie, and Jaime Goh off for her Exchange. Hope to se eyou guys soon! Sent Daniel off too. Hope you guys stay safe!

Visited Science Centre on Valentine's Day. Had a chance to look at Jupiter and 4 of its moons at the Observatory too. seems so surreal.

JJ's very belated birthday celebration. hahaha.

3DA is the worst place ever. Don't wanna elaborate; just wanna get out fast.
The regulars are nice people (most), but sometimes, planning is real bad sigh.

plucked all 4 wisdom teeth too. haha.

Been working on 3 scholarship essays and USP Essays for 2 months. It is so painful I wanna cry :'(\
Feel so unqualified to write on anything you know.. )': well.. gotta start somewhere.

Finished reading Inuyasha. (HAHAHA wanted to do that for a very long time)

ORD-ing this week. Starting work at TJ too. can't wait!

All will be well.