This is just for the record, but today's practice really made me think abit.

We started on Spanish coffee, our 3rd syf piece.
kinda late huh.

but even though we were not prepared, he still continued to do the piece with us, which is something I wouldn't have done.
Patience is key, really.
I think we made a lot of progress, as compared to nothing. hahaha.

Mrs Toh's words after practice really struck me as well.

Sometimes, we don't really think about Mr Liauw's feelings.
If we are more prepared, he'll be happier and more motivated, right?

for the record, for the record.
but set me thinking.

jyjy kay.

you that that you can do it.

for her. for them. for God.

WHAT THE HELL.

WHY AM I TAKING ALL OF THIS SHIT?
I AM NOT ANYONE'S SHITHOLE, NOR AM I A TOILET BOWL.

I don't deserve this. I don't deserve this.
I really don't.

Its so unfair.
unclefuckers can just go to hell.

FUCK YOUR OWN SHIT AND LEAVE ME ALONE.

Fate.

“I have noticed even people who claim everything is predestined, and that we can do nothing to change it, look before they cross the road.”

-Stephen Hawking

looks like I was wrong huh.

4. To my siblings

You guys are a part of my life.
really thank you.

IDK how things will turn out next time (you'll never know what'll happen hahaha touchwood) but I'll want to stay with the two of you.

Little actions that mean a lot. (:

Though sometimes we quarrel a lot, I know that deep down blood is thicker than water.(:

Thank you both.

look forward to the future (:

Isaiah 58:1 - 9

1 "Shout it aloud, do not hold back.
Raise your voice like a trumpet.
Declare to my people their rebellion
and to the house of Jacob their sins.

2 For day after day they seek me out;
they seem eager to know my ways,
as if they were a nation that does what is right
and has not forsaken the commands of its God.

They ask me for just decisions
and seem eager for God to come near them.

3 'Why have we fasted,' they say,
'and have you not seen it?
Why have we humbled ourselves,
and you have not noticed?'

"Yet on the day of your fasting, you do as you please
and exploit all your workers.

4 Your fasting ends in quarreling and strife
and in striking each other with wicked fists.
You cannot fast as you do today
and expect your voice to be heard on high.

5 Is this the kind of fast I have chosen,
only a day for a man to humble himself?

Is it only for bowing one's head like a reed
and for lying on sackcloth and ashes?

Is that what you call a fast.
a day acceptable to the LORD?

6 "Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
and break every yoke?

7 Is it not to share your food with the hungry
and to provide the poor wanderer with a shelter -
when you see the naked, to clothe him,
and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?

8 Then your blood will break forth like the dawn,
and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness will go before you,
and the glory of the LORD be your rear guard.

9 Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;
you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.

I found my answer.

I will obey.
Lead me not into temptation, but deliver me from the evil one.

Thank you God.
Amen.

sometimes I take things for granted.

still smiling even though sometimes I'm close to tears.

I need to start work.

Time to change url as well huh.
need to put the past behind me.

shall continue with 30 days since I have the time now.
___________________________________________________________________________
To my Parents

I know this letter is way overdue. If you havn't noticed already, I've been avoiding this letter. I really don't know what to write. Its like, I don't know how I should feel about everything, including how I should feel towards the two of you, and you.
I know sometimes I take things for granted, but its only because I don't know what it means to be thankful, what it means to love. I'll try to change, but give me some time.

Dear mum, even though I know you won't read this (I really hope you don't), I wanna thank you for all you've done. There's really nothing much I can do to repay you huh.
Waking me up everyday, doing the chores, cooking my meals, ironing my stuff, checking on me in the middle of the night, and even putting down your pride sometimes when its not even your fault. I know I havn't been the best son, but still I'll try my best. I know that most of the decisions are for our good and I really hope that despite getting frustrated about how thrifty you can sometimes be, I will learn a lot from you as well. Please understand that I'm still learning, including how to be more patient.

Dear dad, I think i'm growing up to become more like you. most people might say that you are skeptical and all and I don't think anyone will understand your life. I know that deep down inside, you have a lot of scars, much more than I have. I really hope that deep down inside, your heart hasn't harderned like mine, and I really hope that God will do wonders for you. Even though you are pretty nonsensical most of the time and most of the time I cannot stand it, I must admit that I inherited a lot of your nonsense and learnt a lot from you. I know I'm starting to become skeptical as well, but yeah lets embrace what this world has for us together yeah. I havn't been the best son to you as well, and despite you trying to teach me some stuff, sometimes I'm just so stubborn and I refuse to listen. I really hope that somehow, I'll learn to be humble, and I'll learn how to relate to you better.

I know the two of you havn't been in the best of health, but there's nothing much I can really do. I can only leave it up to God (I know I havn't been praying as frequently as I should, but I'm still skeptical about everything, including the power of prayer.) Hope you two live to a ripe old age. I really don't know what I'll do if you two were to disppear from my life suddenly. I know this sounds selfish, but I really want you two to stay on earth as long as possible to be with me.

I really wanna say those three words but I really don't know what it means to love.
And even though I don't know what it really means to be thankful as well, all I can say for now is "thank you both". "thank you" is the only thing I can say.

As for you father up there, I know I'm the most twisted and wretched person you have ever seen. deep down inside, there is so much frustration, so much anger, so much hatred, so much negative emotion that my heart has harderned already. I have so much lust and desire in me that causes me to sin again and again. But still, I remain unharmed by satan's ways, because of your grace. I really don't know what I should do really. I'm so skeptical of everything and I don't know what it means to trust anymore. I no longer feel assured. Its not because I worry, its because I cannot find peace. There's so much conflict within me everyday, so much sadness I really don't know how to express myself. I really don't know what to do now, I feel so helpless. I hope that you can help me get out of this struggle. Maybe this is a stage whereby I will grapple with my sins. I really don't know. I need guidiance, and I hope that you can help me. Help me find joy, help me find peace and help me find love.

Sometimes, I really wonder if its FCBC's failure to follow up that caused me to become like that. Or was it circumstances, or was it just me, my very own nature? or is this all a test that you have set to test my faith that I have failed terribly.

I don't need answers. All I need, is for you to help me become more humble, less hypocritical, and help me become more joyful, and in the process, less skeptical.

for all the days where you have made beautiful, I really thank you.
really, thank you.

I don't know how I can thank you other by praising you and working in the bb ministry.
However, I don't think I'm helping much.
All I hope is that you are happy with what i've done.

All I need now, is peace, for both everyone around me and myself.

Thank you to the three of you.
from your prodigal son who is underserving of your forgivness and grace.