Nope the world didn't end.

and 2013 is round the corner..

Not in the writing mood now.

I actually wrote a post during the past week on block leave, but well I decided not to post it.

Doesn't do justice to anyone or anything cause when i'm angry i don't think and I don't put things into perspective.

okay, so it is past 12 midnight and it is 31st December again.

This time last year I was up in Genting highlands, and I remembering staring at the TV in the cold and dark hotel room counting down to the new year alone. 

Out of school, free from any responsibilities.. well, it felt good.

But looking back now, this year kind of sucked.

I was reflecting on the past year, and why it sucked so much, and I figured I'm responsible for much of the unhappiness in my life.

I browsed through my archives and tried searching for the new year's resolutions last year, and I couldn't find anything.

I remembered having a list of resolutions etc, like "the need to remember birthdays" etc etc.

That was when I realised that the list of resolutions I had wasn't for this year; it was for last year.

I wasn't that much concerned with the fact that I didn't make any resolutions for this year, as compared to the fact that 2011 never really ended for me.

Certain things that I couldn't give up, I took along with me.

And these things I took with me, they became excessive emotional baggage and along the course of the year, I became so tired.

And I guess the reason why this year sucked so much for me, is also because I was rushed into it.

spent the first 2 months rushing everyday cause I was doing camps, got my A level results, and enlisted 4 days later before spending the rest of march in confinement.

It was too fast; I didn't even know what I was dealing with until I held my rifle for the first time.

Anyway, fast-forward to now, and yeah this year was pretty sucky.

If you asked me to identify the top 5 happiest moments, or even just the happiest moment, I can't give you an answer.

To be truthful, I havn't been genuinely happy this year at all.
(I guess to date, 2010 and 2011 were the only two years I really enjoyed, though there were many things that kind of made me sad too)

Sure, I would smile and everything, but I guess peace wasn't really in my heart.

I was always thinking about something, or someone.

One thing good about this year is that I didn't have much regrets either.

The only one thing I regret would be that 4cm on the SBJ map.

It would have brought me somewhere else other than CPC.

Well, I guess this is one lesson I've learnt from 2012.

I told myself that "If I don't make it, I don't."

But there was so much I could have done to make it there.

I had a stake in it, So much was at stake too.

Well, I guess I'll have to live with this mistake for the next year or so.

Anyway, resolutions? nah. more like lessons I have to keep close to my heart.

1. Don't let anyone waste your time.

Throughout this whole year, I felt that I had so much time, but had no time for anything. 

Not gonna let people waste my time like how they did this year.

which leads to the next point.

2. Say no to the right things

 self-explanatory.

3. Protect yourself. 

Not everyone is sincere about their intentions out there.

(Thank you Dom for the lesson (':)

4. Stop getting clingy.

well, you all know what happens what that happens right?

If you don't, just know that nothing good comes out of it.

5. Show more concern for others.

Just because I have to stop getting clingy, doesn't mean I have to distance myself from others.

Just know when to stop.

Throughout this whole year, I've been thinking a lot about myself.

It has been a lot about me, me, me.

Well, I guess it is mostly because I'm still adapting to my new found independence, and I'm trying hard to learn the rope. I'm still looking at what I can do and what I should do for myself, that I havn't really looked at  what i can do and have to do for others.

6. Patience and tolerance.

I've forgotten the fact that the essence of friendship isn't just having fun.
It is the ability to take the worse kind of shit from people who matter and move on without questioning.

7. Put things into perspective.

8. Relax

9. Stop being self-deluded.
no one's gonna care about you.
no one's gonna care about your self-esteem.
want to feel good about yourself? earn it.

10. Stop trusting people so easily.

11. Stop taking shit for people and from people.
cause they don't give a shit about you.
that is the reason why you're doing the shit for them.

12. stop complaining and ranting so much about things...

13. Stop being all self-important and everything.

14. Go back to being thankful for everything.

15. You have a stake in things. So interfere when things are not going the way it should be.
Wavefunction collapse, blah blah blah all that shit.

16. AND STOP ASSUMING THINGS YOU BLOODY IDIOT.

Sigh.

I'll usually say that the year ahead will be great, and I'll make full use of the time, but to be honest I'm not looking forward to the new year.

looking at the lessons I've learnt, one can deduce with 99.9999...% (456789754326 sigma) confidence level that THIS YEAR SUCKED. A LOT.
and though these lessons can be painful, I really hope they lead me to a better year.
seriously angry at so many things, and I won't be an idiot to say I'll forgive them. (I would have said that last year but nope not anymore)

2012 has turned me into such an angry person.
Not hard to believe (had a history of anger management yes I know), but THIS FEELING SUCKS.

I must thank everyone who made this year slightly more bearable.
Well, you guys know who you are (:

not looking forward to 2013 cause I know it won't be a easy year.

Well. lets make it as painless, and as fast as possible.

It is just a ride.

It is just a ride.

And in the end it won't matter.

Soul.

Still one of the videos that had the most influence on me.

Choose your knots carefully.

A quick one before I book in.

Just got back from helping to furnish Mdm Ang's house. (went with people from BBHQ - they needed help)
(Mdm Ang and her family appreared on TV a few times I think - renovaid and etc programmes)

There was a lot of bed bugs there, but the pest control company killed them.
Hope they don't come back.

But didn't do much actually. Not a lot of help was needed hahaha.

I had the chance to talk with Mdm Ang's daughter.
She is a little different - in the sense that she sort of lost touch of reality.
They said she was mentally unsound.

She wanted some one to talk to her, the others sortta pushed me to her (haha)

And well, we talked.

She is very alert.
She could remember Ms Koh and me (our names), how old my parents were, how many siblings I have (mentioned them briefly), and she even corrected me when I remembered my dad's age wrongly.
and I still can't remember her name.
(so much more alert than me right)

well, she is really so much more alert than me.
She just lost touch with reality I guess.

The conversations in between her taking a smoke, kinda made me sad.
She talked so much about what happened to her life (her ex-husband, her going to woodbridge, going to jail, setting fire to her own house) (SIGH)
and I thought of how anyone of us could be in their situation.

I realised that the only difference between her and I, is that we are born to different families, in a different time.

And I recalled this facebook status from a certain friend.

When I thought listening to what others have to say is tedious, it struck me that hearing what isn't being said is one level up.

I listened to what she had to say, and I felt sad.
But I felt worse when I thought about what she didn't say.
She never mentioned anything that made her happy.

She kept saying that she wanted her mum to just 'go'.
You know, die.
she wanted her mum to die peacefully.
she kept saying that she had no means to take care of her, didn't know how to, etc etc.

But she did say she loved her mum when I asked her if she did.
And I guess that was the only thing that kept her going.

the only other thing she wanted, was for me to stay and listen to her and her past; her story.

well, I really don't know how I should feel.
especially when I had to leave.

of course, I have to move on with my life (is that a dilemma every social worker faces? -  we can't do everything for them; we can only help them to a certain limit.)
but still, I really hoped to have the chance to stay on and help untie her knots and solve her problems.

Is that what loneliness does to you?

Forelsket.

I had so many things on my mind the past week.
Been staring at the screen, wanting to write them down, but poof they went and disappeared into thin air.

not sure if that is good.
But nah those thought don't matter I guess.
trivial and insignificant musings lol. _________________________________________________________

Anyway, I had this dream which I remembered so clearly. (though I cant remember much now ): )
I don't usually remember dreams, but it left such a deep impression on me.

I don't usually remember dreams.
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 I was on a bus in the late evening.
The sky had so many shades of blue.

The interior of the bus was all white, and I was standing near the door.
The lights changed colour all of the sudden and the walls became yellow, and I heard someone call for me.

It was all yellow.

Before I could turn behind, the person walked in front of me.
It was a girl. yes, a GIRL. (yes that was my reaction)
 I don't know how to describe her, but she was just real pretty.

That is all I can remember - long hair, small eyes (the pretty type of small), pretty features, and soft voice with a firm tone.

She smiled.

And she said, "Hi, my name is Cheryl."

I wanted to say hi back, to wave back at her or something, but I stayed rooted to the ground.
I couldn't move. I was paralysed.

"What is your number?"

"********."

"I'll see you 9.30am tomorrow morning for breakfast?"

She smiled, and she alighted the bus.
Her smile was pretty.

 The doors closed, and the walls turned blue. and I woke up. _________________________________________________________

Well, don't judge me.
 I was very happy though cause that was the first time someone actually asked me out for a breakfast date haha. (well too bad it isn't real.) and before you think that I'm falling in love with a virtual character I made up in my head, sorry I'm not.

I couldn't breathe when she talked to me.
not sure if because she was talking to me, or because I didn't know how to react and stopped everything I was doing. (including breathing)

Well, the dream reminded me of the time when a person first meets someone, and becomes curious about them. And the thought of being together strikes him.

It isn't falling in love per se I guess, but I guess it is close.

Forelsket (Danish): The euphoria you experience when you are first falling in love.

And after I woke up I started thinking about people whom gave me that feeling before.
and I started thinking again.

Well, it is a good feeling.
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This post isn't turning out the way I expected it to.
haha nah doesn't matter.

watched hellboy 2, the pursuit of happyness and inception during duty on friday.
Pursuit of happyness was good. (:
Made me realise how hard it is for people to make it big.

So many hours, so many days, so many sleepless nights.
So many disappointments, so many heartbreaks.

 and here I am doing nothing with my life.

oh well.

2.23am.

Gotta sleep.

Something that speaks true.

I feel that I am letting everyone down.

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Hanged out with titus and the guys yesterday.
sort of impromptu but since I was free I went to meet with them.
Talked a little bit about their various vocations and yeah I'm really glad I'm in the air force.
GBAD has a shit life but it is not the worst so I guess I should be thankful?
(other vocations being recce, engineers and infantry HAHA)

Things are going well in camp (I guess?)
Started duties, split into platoons, and changing bunks the next week.
Got promoted (LCP nia lol), and watched our seniors ORD-ed.
well, just one more year.
One more year to do all that I want to do.

Well, got reminded of old stuff again.
Its normal, isn't it?
I mean.. who doesn't get reminded about old stuff buried at the back of your head after talking to old friends?

Scrolled through my archives on facebook yesterday night and I realised that if facebook were to die one day, so much of my memories would die with it.
Oh social media.

Have been attempting to do a self-awareness check and I realised that I don't know so much about myself.
I did realise that I am still the same person I was years ago; I havn't changed much.
Does this console? Should it? Does it? I don't know. hahah.
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I've been thinking about my inability to write as fluently as other people, and realised that I have a few issues that I really need to address.

1. Lack of exposure.
Yes, it is true that there is no need for one to have a huge vocabulary bank to write well.
However, my vocabulary is too limited for me to express my ideas.

2. Lack of personal touch and style
This includes my lack in confidence in my own writing as well.

3. Inability to identify with my senses and feelings.
Maybe I let them slip me by too often or maybe I let them linger around for too long without grasping them.

4. Inability to be perfectly honest with myself.
Well, I am too stubborn. (But is it really THAT bad?)
Maybe I lack the courage, or maybe it is because I have no reason to be honest; no one to be honest with.
well, not an excuse.

5. My lack of imagination.
SIGH.

oh well.

__________________________________________________

I'm not putting enough effort to spend time with family.

My dad has been giving too much attention. (so much that I'm getting a little uncomfortable)

I used to complain that he doesn't understand me etc etc, but these days he has been trying to talk to me etc etc.

He comes into my room once every hour and talks to me about SCIENCE.

can you believe it? Science!!! Defence Science, mechanics, chemistry, earth sciences, material sciences, physics, environmental biology... EVERYTHING.

And while I appreciate his efforts to understand why I am so interested in science, I am getting a little uncomfortable about it cause I cannot do what I want since he always interrupts me while I am doing other stuff.

But I guess it is good huh.

I do disagree with what he says half the time, but it does makes me think why certain things are the way they are etc.

he has several factual errors, but he does have insights to things which I don't.

so, I have much to learn huh.

I do feel bad about it cause I'll subconsciously give the 'uninterested' look (cause I'm focused on something else and don't like to be interrupted) but I really appreciate it.

So thanks dad (:

heh.

___________________________________________________________

I was supposed to clean my room, but procrastinated again.

OH WELL.

next week then. haha.