A complete lack of honesty.

Its been some time since I've written properly on this space.

I've been fretting about what to write for my USP admissions essay. Despite me brainstorming for months and working on it since December, I've yet to identify a topic to work on. Its been almost 4 months, and it is so frustrating and worrying, but I can't do anything about it. I really tried so hard to start writing, but nothing comes out.

I don't know what the problem is, but I know this not my fickle mind at work. I've told many people about my inability to come up with something, and all of them told me the same thing. Write about something you really care and are passionate about. But I tried, and I just can't write.

I don't feel qualified to write about anything. ANYTHING AT ALL.

Not even something I care about. Not even Science. not even Physics.

I just feel inadequate to write. I am afraid to write and claim that I understand a certain topic.

Maybe I'm afraid that I'd be like the NUS interview all over again where the interviewers trashed me all over. The stakes are high this time; because I really want to get into the programme. It means a lot to me, and I am afraid.

I can't remember the last time I've been this afraid. I've never been this afraid before. Because I was a self-entitled person, it felt like I could get whatever I wanted. I didn't get everything, like the Founders' Award in Sec 4 (which was quite a big deal; made me cry for 2 weeks) and getting in VJ, but I had compensation, and became Best Boy and got into TJ. Other than that, I got whatever I wanted most of the time. Excellent O level results, leadership positions, awards, and decent a level grades.

The last two years was a different thing though. I failed time after time, again and again. It was like that for Command School; I really wanted to enter OCS/SCS so much. It was like that for NUS Scholarships; got trashed in the interview room. It was like that for Cambridge, and it was like that throughout my 2 years stay in 3DA.

I got afraid and questioned my self-worth, and realised that I'm not worth much in the first place. That is why I no longer feel qualified to write.

I didn't realise this at first. I thought that I was doing fine, because at the very least, I had a plan, and I thought I knew what I was doing. Things didn't look as bright anymore after I thought through my plans while doing my scholarship essays. I know I want to do Physics, but other than that, I don't know anything else.

Realising that I'm as lost as everyone else is a big shock, especially after two years of thinking through my plans, and about god, and everything else, and thinking that I have a clearer picture of things.

I will have to check my footing again, and hopefully I'll be quick enough not to fall.

While writing this post, I realised that I haven't written about how I felt for the past 3/4 years. Even when I was in TJ, most of  the posts that I were about what happened, and not about how I felt about it.

I haven't been this honest with myself for a very long time.

Its been a while.

Incomprehensible anticipation.

Anticipation.

Its been 2 months! Doesn't feel like it, but 1/6 of the year is over.

Told myself that this year will be a good year.

It will be so.

So far...

Received my driving license on my birthday :)

Spent countdown at Dylan's house and celebrated his birthday too.

Secured an attachment at A*STAR. Working on Primary Zinc/Air Batteries with Dr. Ge Xiaoming. Have to thank Ms Teo Yi Wen (IMRE's HR Officer) for replying to that e-mail :')

Celebrated Emm and Joshua's 21st Birthday, and went to surprise Pung at her house for hers too :)
Surprised Teck Yan at Changi Airbase cause he was down for guard duty on his birthday. Hope you liked the surprise!

Attended Darwin Day at UTOWN NUS with Joel. The talk sparked a little curiosity.

COSMOSSG! Neil deGrasse Tyson came to NUS :) Thanks Cass for inviting. :)

Attended Mak Han Ren's ORD Parade. HAHA basket ORD 2 weeks earlier than me.

Reynold Heng's 21st was spent watching lone survivour. I could guess rightaway that the soundtrack was by Explosion in the sky. :)

Sent Dylan and Abdullah off for studies in Aussie, and Jaime Goh off for her Exchange. Hope to se eyou guys soon! Sent Daniel off too. Hope you guys stay safe!

Visited Science Centre on Valentine's Day. Had a chance to look at Jupiter and 4 of its moons at the Observatory too. seems so surreal.

JJ's very belated birthday celebration. hahaha.

3DA is the worst place ever. Don't wanna elaborate; just wanna get out fast.
The regulars are nice people (most), but sometimes, planning is real bad sigh.

plucked all 4 wisdom teeth too. haha.

Been working on 3 scholarship essays and USP Essays for 2 months. It is so painful I wanna cry :'(\
Feel so unqualified to write on anything you know.. )': well.. gotta start somewhere.

Finished reading Inuyasha. (HAHAHA wanted to do that for a very long time)

ORD-ing this week. Starting work at TJ too. can't wait!

All will be well.