Nope the world didn't end.

and 2013 is round the corner..

Not in the writing mood now.

I actually wrote a post during the past week on block leave, but well I decided not to post it.

Doesn't do justice to anyone or anything cause when i'm angry i don't think and I don't put things into perspective.

okay, so it is past 12 midnight and it is 31st December again.

This time last year I was up in Genting highlands, and I remembering staring at the TV in the cold and dark hotel room counting down to the new year alone. 

Out of school, free from any responsibilities.. well, it felt good.

But looking back now, this year kind of sucked.

I was reflecting on the past year, and why it sucked so much, and I figured I'm responsible for much of the unhappiness in my life.

I browsed through my archives and tried searching for the new year's resolutions last year, and I couldn't find anything.

I remembered having a list of resolutions etc, like "the need to remember birthdays" etc etc.

That was when I realised that the list of resolutions I had wasn't for this year; it was for last year.

I wasn't that much concerned with the fact that I didn't make any resolutions for this year, as compared to the fact that 2011 never really ended for me.

Certain things that I couldn't give up, I took along with me.

And these things I took with me, they became excessive emotional baggage and along the course of the year, I became so tired.

And I guess the reason why this year sucked so much for me, is also because I was rushed into it.

spent the first 2 months rushing everyday cause I was doing camps, got my A level results, and enlisted 4 days later before spending the rest of march in confinement.

It was too fast; I didn't even know what I was dealing with until I held my rifle for the first time.

Anyway, fast-forward to now, and yeah this year was pretty sucky.

If you asked me to identify the top 5 happiest moments, or even just the happiest moment, I can't give you an answer.

To be truthful, I havn't been genuinely happy this year at all.
(I guess to date, 2010 and 2011 were the only two years I really enjoyed, though there were many things that kind of made me sad too)

Sure, I would smile and everything, but I guess peace wasn't really in my heart.

I was always thinking about something, or someone.

One thing good about this year is that I didn't have much regrets either.

The only one thing I regret would be that 4cm on the SBJ map.

It would have brought me somewhere else other than CPC.

Well, I guess this is one lesson I've learnt from 2012.

I told myself that "If I don't make it, I don't."

But there was so much I could have done to make it there.

I had a stake in it, So much was at stake too.

Well, I guess I'll have to live with this mistake for the next year or so.

Anyway, resolutions? nah. more like lessons I have to keep close to my heart.

1. Don't let anyone waste your time.

Throughout this whole year, I felt that I had so much time, but had no time for anything. 

Not gonna let people waste my time like how they did this year.

which leads to the next point.

2. Say no to the right things

 self-explanatory.

3. Protect yourself. 

Not everyone is sincere about their intentions out there.

(Thank you Dom for the lesson (':)

4. Stop getting clingy.

well, you all know what happens what that happens right?

If you don't, just know that nothing good comes out of it.

5. Show more concern for others.

Just because I have to stop getting clingy, doesn't mean I have to distance myself from others.

Just know when to stop.

Throughout this whole year, I've been thinking a lot about myself.

It has been a lot about me, me, me.

Well, I guess it is mostly because I'm still adapting to my new found independence, and I'm trying hard to learn the rope. I'm still looking at what I can do and what I should do for myself, that I havn't really looked at  what i can do and have to do for others.

6. Patience and tolerance.

I've forgotten the fact that the essence of friendship isn't just having fun.
It is the ability to take the worse kind of shit from people who matter and move on without questioning.

7. Put things into perspective.

8. Relax

9. Stop being self-deluded.
no one's gonna care about you.
no one's gonna care about your self-esteem.
want to feel good about yourself? earn it.

10. Stop trusting people so easily.

11. Stop taking shit for people and from people.
cause they don't give a shit about you.
that is the reason why you're doing the shit for them.

12. stop complaining and ranting so much about things...

13. Stop being all self-important and everything.

14. Go back to being thankful for everything.

15. You have a stake in things. So interfere when things are not going the way it should be.
Wavefunction collapse, blah blah blah all that shit.

16. AND STOP ASSUMING THINGS YOU BLOODY IDIOT.

Sigh.

I'll usually say that the year ahead will be great, and I'll make full use of the time, but to be honest I'm not looking forward to the new year.

looking at the lessons I've learnt, one can deduce with 99.9999...% (456789754326 sigma) confidence level that THIS YEAR SUCKED. A LOT.
and though these lessons can be painful, I really hope they lead me to a better year.
seriously angry at so many things, and I won't be an idiot to say I'll forgive them. (I would have said that last year but nope not anymore)

2012 has turned me into such an angry person.
Not hard to believe (had a history of anger management yes I know), but THIS FEELING SUCKS.

I must thank everyone who made this year slightly more bearable.
Well, you guys know who you are (:

not looking forward to 2013 cause I know it won't be a easy year.

Well. lets make it as painless, and as fast as possible.

It is just a ride.

It is just a ride.

And in the end it won't matter.

Soul.

Still one of the videos that had the most influence on me.

Choose your knots carefully.

A quick one before I book in.

Just got back from helping to furnish Mdm Ang's house. (went with people from BBHQ - they needed help)
(Mdm Ang and her family appreared on TV a few times I think - renovaid and etc programmes)

There was a lot of bed bugs there, but the pest control company killed them.
Hope they don't come back.

But didn't do much actually. Not a lot of help was needed hahaha.

I had the chance to talk with Mdm Ang's daughter.
She is a little different - in the sense that she sort of lost touch of reality.
They said she was mentally unsound.

She wanted some one to talk to her, the others sortta pushed me to her (haha)

And well, we talked.

She is very alert.
She could remember Ms Koh and me (our names), how old my parents were, how many siblings I have (mentioned them briefly), and she even corrected me when I remembered my dad's age wrongly.
and I still can't remember her name.
(so much more alert than me right)

well, she is really so much more alert than me.
She just lost touch with reality I guess.

The conversations in between her taking a smoke, kinda made me sad.
She talked so much about what happened to her life (her ex-husband, her going to woodbridge, going to jail, setting fire to her own house) (SIGH)
and I thought of how anyone of us could be in their situation.

I realised that the only difference between her and I, is that we are born to different families, in a different time.

And I recalled this facebook status from a certain friend.

When I thought listening to what others have to say is tedious, it struck me that hearing what isn't being said is one level up.

I listened to what she had to say, and I felt sad.
But I felt worse when I thought about what she didn't say.
She never mentioned anything that made her happy.

She kept saying that she wanted her mum to just 'go'.
You know, die.
she wanted her mum to die peacefully.
she kept saying that she had no means to take care of her, didn't know how to, etc etc.

But she did say she loved her mum when I asked her if she did.
And I guess that was the only thing that kept her going.

the only other thing she wanted, was for me to stay and listen to her and her past; her story.

well, I really don't know how I should feel.
especially when I had to leave.

of course, I have to move on with my life (is that a dilemma every social worker faces? -  we can't do everything for them; we can only help them to a certain limit.)
but still, I really hoped to have the chance to stay on and help untie her knots and solve her problems.

Is that what loneliness does to you?

Forelsket.

I had so many things on my mind the past week.
Been staring at the screen, wanting to write them down, but poof they went and disappeared into thin air.

not sure if that is good.
But nah those thought don't matter I guess.
trivial and insignificant musings lol. _________________________________________________________

Anyway, I had this dream which I remembered so clearly. (though I cant remember much now ): )
I don't usually remember dreams, but it left such a deep impression on me.

I don't usually remember dreams.
_________________________________________________________
 I was on a bus in the late evening.
The sky had so many shades of blue.

The interior of the bus was all white, and I was standing near the door.
The lights changed colour all of the sudden and the walls became yellow, and I heard someone call for me.

It was all yellow.

Before I could turn behind, the person walked in front of me.
It was a girl. yes, a GIRL. (yes that was my reaction)
 I don't know how to describe her, but she was just real pretty.

That is all I can remember - long hair, small eyes (the pretty type of small), pretty features, and soft voice with a firm tone.

She smiled.

And she said, "Hi, my name is Cheryl."

I wanted to say hi back, to wave back at her or something, but I stayed rooted to the ground.
I couldn't move. I was paralysed.

"What is your number?"

"********."

"I'll see you 9.30am tomorrow morning for breakfast?"

She smiled, and she alighted the bus.
Her smile was pretty.

 The doors closed, and the walls turned blue. and I woke up. _________________________________________________________

Well, don't judge me.
 I was very happy though cause that was the first time someone actually asked me out for a breakfast date haha. (well too bad it isn't real.) and before you think that I'm falling in love with a virtual character I made up in my head, sorry I'm not.

I couldn't breathe when she talked to me.
not sure if because she was talking to me, or because I didn't know how to react and stopped everything I was doing. (including breathing)

Well, the dream reminded me of the time when a person first meets someone, and becomes curious about them. And the thought of being together strikes him.

It isn't falling in love per se I guess, but I guess it is close.

Forelsket (Danish): The euphoria you experience when you are first falling in love.

And after I woke up I started thinking about people whom gave me that feeling before.
and I started thinking again.

Well, it is a good feeling.
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This post isn't turning out the way I expected it to.
haha nah doesn't matter.

watched hellboy 2, the pursuit of happyness and inception during duty on friday.
Pursuit of happyness was good. (:
Made me realise how hard it is for people to make it big.

So many hours, so many days, so many sleepless nights.
So many disappointments, so many heartbreaks.

 and here I am doing nothing with my life.

oh well.

2.23am.

Gotta sleep.

Something that speaks true.

I feel that I am letting everyone down.

_____________________________________________________


Hanged out with titus and the guys yesterday.
sort of impromptu but since I was free I went to meet with them.
Talked a little bit about their various vocations and yeah I'm really glad I'm in the air force.
GBAD has a shit life but it is not the worst so I guess I should be thankful?
(other vocations being recce, engineers and infantry HAHA)

Things are going well in camp (I guess?)
Started duties, split into platoons, and changing bunks the next week.
Got promoted (LCP nia lol), and watched our seniors ORD-ed.
well, just one more year.
One more year to do all that I want to do.

Well, got reminded of old stuff again.
Its normal, isn't it?
I mean.. who doesn't get reminded about old stuff buried at the back of your head after talking to old friends?

Scrolled through my archives on facebook yesterday night and I realised that if facebook were to die one day, so much of my memories would die with it.
Oh social media.

Have been attempting to do a self-awareness check and I realised that I don't know so much about myself.
I did realise that I am still the same person I was years ago; I havn't changed much.
Does this console? Should it? Does it? I don't know. hahah.
_______________________________________________________

I've been thinking about my inability to write as fluently as other people, and realised that I have a few issues that I really need to address.

1. Lack of exposure.
Yes, it is true that there is no need for one to have a huge vocabulary bank to write well.
However, my vocabulary is too limited for me to express my ideas.

2. Lack of personal touch and style
This includes my lack in confidence in my own writing as well.

3. Inability to identify with my senses and feelings.
Maybe I let them slip me by too often or maybe I let them linger around for too long without grasping them.

4. Inability to be perfectly honest with myself.
Well, I am too stubborn. (But is it really THAT bad?)
Maybe I lack the courage, or maybe it is because I have no reason to be honest; no one to be honest with.
well, not an excuse.

5. My lack of imagination.
SIGH.

oh well.

__________________________________________________

I'm not putting enough effort to spend time with family.

My dad has been giving too much attention. (so much that I'm getting a little uncomfortable)

I used to complain that he doesn't understand me etc etc, but these days he has been trying to talk to me etc etc.

He comes into my room once every hour and talks to me about SCIENCE.

can you believe it? Science!!! Defence Science, mechanics, chemistry, earth sciences, material sciences, physics, environmental biology... EVERYTHING.

And while I appreciate his efforts to understand why I am so interested in science, I am getting a little uncomfortable about it cause I cannot do what I want since he always interrupts me while I am doing other stuff.

But I guess it is good huh.

I do disagree with what he says half the time, but it does makes me think why certain things are the way they are etc.

he has several factual errors, but he does have insights to things which I don't.

so, I have much to learn huh.

I do feel bad about it cause I'll subconsciously give the 'uninterested' look (cause I'm focused on something else and don't like to be interrupted) but I really appreciate it.

So thanks dad (:

heh.

___________________________________________________________

I was supposed to clean my room, but procrastinated again.

OH WELL.

next week then. haha.

Speed Limit.

Went to shop with Daddy today.

Bought my DS, (which is faulty), and a acoustic guitar (dad insisted on me picking one and there're problems with the strings) hahaha. sighh Its just my bad luck, all the time.

Regardless, I had a nice day.
Usually I would crank up when so many things screw up on me, but I am still glad that I went out today cause I got to spend time with my dad and just talk.

Our temperaments are so similar it scares me (though I worry about everything - got the worry gene from my mum - while he worries about nothing. or at least he doesn't show it)

well, good day spent. (:

A Wild Idea.

Must dos:
- Self awareness Check.

Want to dos:
- Writing
- Guitar
- Photography
- Cooking
- Kayaking
- Fitness
- Academics
- Driving
- First Aid
- Movies

About to get very busy. Ambitious, yes, but I want to do as much as I can.

That time.

This is it.

I never thought that I'd feel this way again.

I've been thinking about it for the past few weeks.
or has it been months?

Can't remember.
Its been ringing in my mind for such a long time.


Its was like last time.. again..

Excessive thinking does me no good.

Is my memory taking control again?
What if I remember it all wrongly, and it is all in the past?
and time and time again and again I am being lead to the wrong place, to the wrong conclusion?



Everything is falling.. even me.

Oh, Impossible dream.

Selectivity.

Don't know how to start this post. haha.

Met up with the BB guys 2 weeks ago.
had dinner at chomp chomp, went to a bar for soccer match (haha my first time at a bar) and updated each other on our boring lives.

oh we saw Jessica Liu at the bar. HAHAHAHA.

Anyway, we talked a little about the past; our time in 48th, Louis Mok, and little bits here and there about how people are doing now.
Well, bits of stuff that I forgot came back to me when we talked.. and it was mostly the unhappy stuff.
I seemed as if as I had amnesia or something.. I never recalled all these unhappy events on my own.
Must have caused me quite a lot of pain huh.. haha.
It never occurred to me that I have been remembering people and events so selectively.

I guess that it must have been a defence mechanism of some sort to prevent myself from staying depressed.

Well, not that this is bad or anything...
Both the SAF and BB are uniformed organisations after all, so I guess the two must have some parallels, and I realised that whatever happened to me in BB is happening to me now as well, and that I can deal with this.
I just need to remember to hang in there for the people who are worth it,

Anyway, I got my new phone last week. (6 months late!!)
Model is Huawei U8860, and well, so far so good. (:
The only annoying thing is that I cannot blog using my phone cause blogger refuses to load, so i shall see if there are any mobile platforms for me to write on.

until next time then.

Life goes on.

Its been a little more than a month since I've written here.
Finally have a long weekend, and i can spare some time to write here.
can't remember much, so I'll just write the important things that happened.

not writing here, means that I didn't really have the chance to think through all that had happened.
______________________________________________________
1. Malvin Yap got OOC-ed on the last week of the course.
I don't think that he actually deserves to pass out (and he didn't), but this is plain fucked up cause if you wanted to OOC someone since the start of the course for his attitude, just do it straight. Making him go through shit for nothing... well hopes he learns something from the time with us that will make him a better person.

This taught me the need to think and plan forward before we make a decision, and the importance of being decisive. People get hurt when we don't make decisions just because we are insecure.

Our insecurities shouldn't burden others.
______________________________________________________
2. I have come to dislike the way uniformed organisations work.
I feel like I'm being used for the career advancement of those who are in command.

nvm, shalln't talk about this.
______________________________________________________
3. Received my NYAA Gold Award on 11th October.
had the chance to shake hands with H.E. Dr. Tony Tan. haha.

well, the main takeaway from the whole programme would be the importance of commitment, perseverance, and staying grounded.

hope that I will have the chance to work with other NGOs through the NYAA GAHA and gain valuable insights as to what it really means to help others.
______________________________________________________
4. Officially passed out from my course, and I'm now on Qualification Training Course.

Had my first Super Puma Ride on Wednesday. (:

was supposed to fly on both Tuesday and Wednesday, but my detail got pushed back and when It was my turn, the exercise got cut. (LOL we were in the heli and they decided to end it cause of a last minute activation)
Loading and unloading for so many times is not fun.

I got the best timing on Wednesday though!
Went to the site in the day, ate dinner there, had the chance to see the sunset, and flew back at night.
The view from the Super Puma at night was so pretty. (:

Might need to clock another time before I get qualified though, cause I was supposed to clock heli training twice, but then my detail got cancelled.
so lets see what happens.
______________________________________________________
5. I have this lack of assertiveness when needed.
Need to correct this flaw.

Need to learn to strike a balance for everything.
______________________________________________________
6. It was grandma's birthday last month and like any other family gathering I sat around randomly.

Aunt Pauline was talking to my mum, and she asks how it is like to have her children all grown up.

She replied,"Its lonely."

Need to spend more time with my family.
Time is starting to run out.

Though they annoy me from time to time, they are still family.
______________________________________________________
7. Having big dreams is good.
You'll never know where these dreams will bring you.
Though whether one can accomplish their dreams.. That is another matter altogether.

It is equally important to stay rooted in reality.
so.. yeah.
I need to stop living in my head.

or will that be another stupid mistake?
______________________________________________________
8. Watched Avenue Q with the guys (Ming Xuan, Tiong Ann and Martin) on the 6th.
Its a very good show! It is funny, entertaining, and at the same time it manages to engage issues such as racism, unemployment, and commitment in a very mature manner.

Had a blast that day (:

"Everything is just for now."
______________________________________________________
9. Had a meet-up with Guitar peeps on the 13th.
Had Buffet @ Seoul Garden, Marina Square.

haha it was nice just sitting around and chatting.
though there was a little divide between the guys and girls (just a little) cause the guys talk about NS and girls talk about uni.

haha where got time????

Anyway, the food was good, company was good, and that night was good (:
Ran and caught the last train by a few seconds HAHA (heng.. if not I'd have gotten stranded at Dhoby Ghaut)
______________________________________________________
10. Had an ADWO BBQ some time back as well at Daniel's house.
thank you Daniel and Family for hosting us (and listening to so much of our nonsense haha)

I drank a little, and felt a little weird.
hahah weird thoughts came to my mind. BUT I AM NOT DRUNK.

I merely asked if trees got drunk and everyone said that I was gone >:
______________________________________________________
11. Cousin-in-law gave birth to her son yesterday.
well, new excitement in the family.

hope that the little boy will grow up well.

"When you come in to this world, you cry, but everyone else is overjoyed that you are now here.
It is my hope that when I die, everyone will cry, but I will be overjoyed because I know that I have made a difference."
______________________________________________________
12. watched looper with Martin and Tiong Ann yesterday! (hahaha finally a Thursday off (: )
IT IS A GREAT MOVIE.

Drugs administered via eyedrops, time travel, Telekinesis, a vision of the future (yes things in the movie are still very much the same and that was what made it so realistic).

I kept jumping to conclusions and over-analysing! ughhh.
But I think my guesses would make another good story. hehehe.

The movie really made me think what would happen if my older self meets the me now.
well, I guess he'd think that I'm damn stupid haha.

"Here, I met a woman who would die for her son; a man who would kill for his wife; and a boy, angry with the world."

The protagonist's sacrifice at the end was... unexpected. (well at least for me)
I'd never have done it. I didn't think of it.

well, its a good twist.
very symbolic.
______________________________________________________
13. I've been preparing for Cambridge admissions for the past few months.
doing tys in camp is painful cause I lost touch with everything. SIGH.
Did get the answers to a few questions I have been constantly asking myself. haha.

The interview was alright.
The interviewer (Dr. Saxton) asked me to summarise Paul's Dirac's book and what he predicted.
Well, I remembered that he predicted the existence of the positron, but forgot that his theory predicted spin as well. haha. SIGH.

Next, he took a ping pong ball, dropped it, and asked me to find the fraction of energy lost on every bounce, and the time taken for the ball to stop bouncing, which were both alright, except for me having so many arithmetic errors UGHHHH -_-

oh well, it could have been worse.

essay test and TSA tomorrow!
hope it'll turn out well.
______________________________________________________
14. 2 members of the Zhonghua community passed away the past month.

One of them was an ex-student. I knew him personally, and at one point of time, was quite close to him.
He was a junior BB Boy (one year my junior), and I used to talk to him a lot.

However, as we stopped talking that much when I went on to sec 3, when I became a sergeant and took on responsibilities to be in charge of the company.

He stopped coming for parades, and I tried to persuade him to come back.
Didn't succeed though.

On hindsight, I guess it must have been because I talked to him in the capacity of a sergeant rather than a friend.

He had fits out of the blue one fine day.
And he passed away.. just like that.


The second person was a ZHSS teacher.

I wasn't particularly close to her, but she was my choir teacher in charge at one point of time.
I remember how some of us would bitch about her (haha) cause she didn't agree with us and give us what we wanted.

such immaturity. haha

She was the teacher in charge of my group when I went to vietnam in sec 3 as well.

She got posted out the next year.

I guess a lot of people were shocked when we found out that she passed away.
To many, she was a good teacher. responsible, caring, meticulous.

Her story appeared on wan bao.
I never knew her story until I read the article.

Harvard student, scholar, married to a polytechnic graduate (she's the main breadwinner of the family), her children are still very young.

Her passing away meant something more to her family.
Loss of income, loss of a soulmate, loss of a filial daughter, loss of the children's mother.

It is indeed a great loss to both all of us.

Well, RIP Ms Fu Shu Fen and Louis Mok.

"This is not my thing."

Once my friends and I reached legal bar-going age, I watched as we split into two factions. There were the people who went out to clubs to dance, and the people who went to pubs to sit and drink and talk loudly.
I hated the clubs. The music was awful, thumping electronic noise. I think I made about three attempts to have fun this way, and then I made a long-lasting error in judgment. I made a conclusion about myself I wasn't qualified to make: dancing is not for me.

As it turns out, much more investigation was required. But I didn't bother. I thought I knew. I’d endured three dull nights drinking draft under sweeping blue lights, pretending I was happy to be out and about but silently wondering how anyone could bring themselves to flail their bodies to uptempo remixes of Ricky Martin. So without quite realizing it, I decided I am not one who dances. I love music, but not the music people dance to.

A sweeping generalization like that, if it concerns who you are and what’s for you or not for you, can affect you for a long stretch of your life. For the next twelve years all invitations to go out dancing were declined by default.

That’s all it takes to keep something out of your life, a single instance of telling yourself  “This is not for me.” The problem is we don’t think much about what exactly constitutes “that” and so we’re prone to dismissing, just by association, a whole lot of experiences that maybe are for us. We lose track of our symbols.

Earlier this year it cracked — while traveling, which seems to be what I’m doing at all of the moments in which I become aware that a long-held misconception about myself has just died. I found myself sitting cross-legged on a friend’s floor, talking about music with a woman I’d just met. I liked her right away, and every time she mentioned an act I liked too, I felt closer to her.

When she mentioned she liked electronic dance music I felt a pang of disappointment — a bit less of a connection, momentarily. Somehow, nearly half a lifetime after I first rolled my eyes at a roomful of late-nineties club crowd, I figured some part of what I had seen and hated appealed to her.
And that’s because I already knew that is not for me. I’d known for years. I don’t dance. I think I said so.
I already knew her taste was excellent, though, and so I explored the music she was talking about, and of course it sounded nothing like the electro-pop I had hated as a teenager. It was awesome. Unpretentious and refined.

And now I dance. I love it. I should have been doing it all along.

To that day — and thankfully, never after — the image I had in my mind of going out to dance is the same one I rejected twelve years earlier: drunk teenagers dancing in a terrible suburban club to vapid anthem-pop.
What surprised me was how relevant my opinion of dance music still seemed, up until that moment. It felt true, but it was based on old, inadequate data, like most of our opinions probably are. Still, we tend to view our own beliefs as if they are real knowledge. I hadn’t realized how crusty and obsolete my impression of “dance music” was. In reality, since I’d last actively considered it, the sun had risen and set four thousand times, wars had been fought, borders had been redrawn, great loves had started and ended, eras had died. Children who were five then were now driving cars, and somehow I still felt like I had a pretty clear idea of what I was missing.

I can’t say for sure what my early dismissal of dancing cost me. Certainly hundreds of amazing nights out. Certainly dozens of would-be friendships and connections. Certainly it stifled my progress away from shyness and self-consciousness.

Naturally my personality gradually conformed toward the pub faction’s qualities and away from those of the club faction — toward more passive vibes where you sat and talked to the same few people, and away from more active and intimate social dynamics. I know now that the former is less me than the latter, given the superior vantage point I now inhabit, at 31 years. All I know for sure is that a huge amount of what I love was missed.

So essentially, at thirty-one years of age, a large area of my life — how I go out, how I recreate — was still being decided by a judgmental 19-year-old. I see now what a bad job that 19-year-old had been doing. He doesn't know me. He doesn't know what I value, what really turns my crank, what I ought to be afraid of or what I ought to seek out. My 29 year-old self wouldn't even do a very good job of telling me what to do. I’m a different person than he is.

This happens a lot. Much of what you do today (or don’t do) was decided by the person you were years ago, a person with less life experience and less insight into your values. Your identity — as in who you are to yourself, and who you are to others — changes throughout your life, and the person most qualified to be deciding how you spend your time now is always going to be who you are today.

But we often don’t work like that. We work from conclusions made years ago, usually with no idea of when we made them, or why. Most of our standing impressions are probably based on a single experience — one instance of unpleasantness or disappointment that turned you off of entire categories of recreational activities, lifestyles and creative pursuits, forever.

A conclusion is not the point at which you find the truth, it’s only the point at which the exploring stops. We do it quickly and unconsciously and the effects are long-lasting. In no time you’re left with a standing belief, a sort of surrogate “fact” in your head, left over from a time when you didn't know any better.
A lot of the things that feel like they are not for you are indeed for you. The person you used to be still wants you to be the person you used to be.

Beliefs collect like old magazines, except that even though they direct our behavior, we can’t really see them so we don’t think to clean them up or cull them. You may be familiar with the notion of challenging your beliefs but how do you actually do that in real life? Do you sit down with a big list and think about each one again?

That’s too abstract and too boring and if you've tried it you know it won’t get you anywhere. In real-time, moment-to-moment life, culling beliefs about yourself amounts simply to consciously doing things that feel like they’re not quite a natural fit for you, just to see what happens. If you’re not doing this on a regular basis — things that feel out of character for you — you are definitely missing out on a lot that is close to perfect for you.

Let the phrases “not my thing” or “not for me” become red flags to you whenever you hear yourself say them. How old was the person who decided that? Was it even a decision, or just an emotional reaction? How much do you really know about it?

Ask, or otherwise know that your lifestyle is still being directed by a younger and less experienced version of you who, frankly, doesn't know you at all.

suay.

wanted to blog about these few weeks, but I guess I'll leave it to later. (again)
(HAH! Signs of procrastination)

well, this week has been a very unlucky week for me.
bad not to the extent where I want to cry, but I very very frustrated with things.

(This can easily be my most suay week in 7 years) (though I don't believe in luck)

1. lost my 11b (IC) and camp pass while helping to clear the extra trash.
signed 8 extras and a $150 fine. ($100 for IC and $50 for camp pass)

2. SummEx.
damn annoyed by the whole thing.

my GPMG had to be the only one that couldn't be mounted, and it had to get stunned. (and all of us got fucked for it)

lost the glass panel for our combat sight. got fucked again.

Changed vehicle to 11C and inflated a life jacket by accident while removing the manpack boards. (to retrieve IFF for rooftop deployment)
almost signed a couple more extras. (well, at least BC was there)
(and yes heng we didn't get redeployed for rooftop)

its all coincidence. no such thing as luck.

3. booked out on friday night , and received a email that I won something from a lucky draw. (from yourkaki.com.sg)
I won pair of tickets to the f1 grand pix and concert (supposed to be last night)

first time I won anything from a lucky draw haha.
But if you thought I got lucky, sorry no. no happy ending.

I had to find another person to go with me, and every single person I asked had something on.
so when the person called again I had to reject the tickets.

4. went to sleep. thought I could have some peace.
got woken up at 6-7+am by my mum.

"boy your formation badge is missing"

I remembered putting it in my jockey cap on friday night but it had to go missing.
It turned out to be on my dad's car (which I havn't taken for 3 weeks)
and they keep saying they bought it outside.

but oh well, all are events that happened beyond my control, so I'll just take it.
so if life you wanna play with me, up your game.
I'll take you on.

On a happier note, SummEx is over, and no more outfield for quite a while.

Met up with leona bree and jj (whom I actually see everyday) for lunch.
just told them about my very suay week and laughed about it.
and yes I'll pick better stuff as presents next time.
seriously ran out of ideas this time hahaha.

and well, this week has taught me a little.
will write it down somewhere.

and yeah, people move on.

booking in soon.

Well, not exactly.

Existential Depression in Gifted Individuals
by James T. Webb

It has been my experience that gifted and talented persons are more likely to experience a type of depression referred to as existential depression. Although an episode of existential depression may be precipitated in anyone by a major loss or the threat of a loss which highlights the transient nature of life, persons of higher intellectual ability are more prone to experience existential depression spontaneously. Sometimes this existential depression is tied into the positive disintegration experience referred to by Dabrowski (1996).

Existential depression is a depression that arises when an individual confronts certain basic issues of existence. Yalom (1980) describes four such issues (or “ultimate concerns”)–death, freedom, isolation and meaninglessness. Death is an inevitable occurrence. Freedom, in an existential sense, refers to the absence of external structure. That is, humans do not enter a world which is inherently structured. We must give the world a structure which we ourselves create. Isolation recognizes that no matter how close we become to another person, a gap always remains, and we are nonetheless alone. Meaninglessness stems from the first three. If we must die, if we construct our own world, and if each of us is ultimately alone, then what meaning does life have?

Why should such existential concerns occur disproportionately among gifted persons? Partially, it is because substantial thought and reflection must occur to even consider such notions, rather than simply focusing on superficial day-to-day aspects of life. Other more specific characteristics of gifted children are important predisposers as well.

Because gifted children are able to consider the possibilities of how things might be, they tend to be idealists. However, they are simultaneously able to see that the world is falling short of how it might be. Because they are intense, gifted children feel keenly the disappointment and frustration which occurs when ideals are not reached. Similarly, these youngsters quickly spot the inconsistencies, arbitrariness and absurdities in society and in the behaviors of those around them. Traditions are questioned or challenged. For example, why do we put such tight sex-role or age-role restrictions on people? Why do people engage in hypocritical behaviors in which they say one thing and then do another? Why do people say things they really do not mean at all? Why are so many people so unthinking and uncaring in their dealings with others? How much difference in the world can one person’s life make?

When gifted children try to share these concerns with others, they are usually met with reactions ranging from puzzlement to hostility. They discover that others, particularly of their age, clearly do not share these concerns, but instead are focused on more concrete issues and on fitting in with others’ expectations. Often by even first grade, these youngsters, particularly the more highly gifted ones, feel isolated from their peers and perhaps from their families as they find that others are not prepared to discuss such weighty concerns.

When their intensity is combined with multi-potentiality, these youngsters become particularly frustrated with the existential limitations of space and time. There simply aren’t enough hours in the day to develop all of the talents that many of these children have. Making choices among the possibilities is indeed arbitrary; there is no “ultimately right” choice. Even choosing a vocation can be difficult if one is trying to make a career decision between essentially equal passion, talents and potential in violin, neurology, theoretical mathematics and international relations.

The reaction of gifted youngsters (again with intensity) to these frustrations is often one of anger. But they quickly discover that their anger is futile, for it is really directed at “fate” or at other matters which they are not able to control. Anger that is powerless evolves quickly into depression.

In such depression, gifted children typically try to find some sense of meaning, some anchor point which they can grasp to pull themselves out of the mire of “unfairness.” Often, though, the more they try to pull themselves out, the more they become acutely aware that their life is finite and brief, that they are alone and are only one very small organism in a quite large world, and that there is a frightening freedom regarding how one chooses to live one’s life. It is at this point that they question life’s meaning and ask, “Is this all there is to life? Is there not ultimate meaning? Does life only have meaning if I give it meaning? I am a small, insignificant organism who is alone in an absurd, arbitrary and capricious world where my life can have little impact, and then I die. Is this all there is?”

Such concerns are not too surprising in thoughtful adults who are going through mid-life crises. However, it is a matter of great concern when these existential questions are foremost in the mind of a twelve or fifteen year old. Such existential depressions deserve careful attention, since they can be precursors to suicide.

How can we help our bright youngsters cope with these questions? We cannot do much about the finiteness of our existence. However, we can help youngsters learn to feel that they are understood and not so alone and that there are ways to manage their freedom and their sense of isolation.

The isolation is helped to a degree by simply communicating to the youngster that someone else understands the issues that he/she is grappling with. Even though your experience is not exactly the same as mine, I feel far less alone if I know that you have had experiences that are reasonably similar. This is why relationships are so extremely important in the long-term adjustment of gifted children (Webb, Meckstroth and Tolan, 1982).

A particular way of breaking through the sense of isolation is through touch. In the same way that infants need to be held and touched, so do persons who are experiencing existential aloneness. Touch seems to be a fundamental and instinctual aspect of existence, as evidenced by mother-infant bonding or “failure to thrive” syndrome. Often, I have “prescribed” daily hugs for a youngster suffering existential depression and have advised parents of reluctant teenagers to say, “I know that you may not want a hug, but I need a hug.” A hug, a touch on the arm, playful jostling, or even a “high five” can be very important to such a youngster, because it establishes at least some physical connection.

The issues and choices involved in managing one’s freedom are more intellectual, as opposed to the reassuring aspects of touch as a sensory solution to an emotional crisis. Gifted children who feel overwhelmed by the myriad choices of an unstructured world can find a great deal of comfort in studying and exploring alternate ways in which other people have structured their lives. Through reading about people who have chosen specific paths to greatness and fulfillment, these youngsters can begin to use bibliotherapy as a method of understanding that choices are merely forks in the road of life, each of which can lead them to their own sense of fulfillment and accomplishment (Halsted, 1994). We all need to build our own personal philosophy of beliefs and values which will form meaningful frameworks for our lives.

It is such existential issues that lead many of our gifted individuals to bury themselves so intensively in “causes” (whether these causes are academics, political or social causes, or cults). Unfortunately, these existential issues can also prompt periods of depression, often mixed with desperate, thrashing attempts to “belong.” Helping these individuals to recognize the basic existential issues may help, but only if done in a kind and accepting way. In addition, these youngsters will need to understand that existential issues are not ones that can be dealt with only once, but rather ones that will need frequent revisiting and reconsideration.

In essence, then, we can help many persons with existential depressions if we can get them to realize that they are not so alone and if we can encourage them to adopt the message of hope written by the African-American poet, Langston Hughes:

Hold fast to dreams,
For if dreams die,
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.

Hold fast to dreams.
For if dreams go,
Life is a barren field
Covered with snow.

- Langston Hughes

References
Dabrowski, K. (1966). The Theory of Positive Disintegration. International Journal of Psychiatry, 2(2), 229-244.
Halsted, J. (1994). Some of My Best Friends Are Books: Guiding Gifted Readers from Pre-School through High School. Scottsdale, AZ: Gifted Psychology Press, Inc. (Formerly Ohio Psychology Press).
Webb, J. T., Meckstroth, E. A. and Tolan, S. S. (1982). Guiding the Gifted Child: A Practical Source for Parents and Teachers. Scottsdale, AZ: Gifted Psychology Press, Inc. (formerly Ohio Psychology Press).
Yalom, I. D. (1980). Existential Psychotherapy. New York: Basic Books.

- from http://www.sengifted.org/archives/articles/existential-depression-in-gifted-individual

Depressed.

Don't judge me. HAHA.

k This is the first kpop song that I like.
(all thanks to yunchang and guys blasting it in bunk every night haha)

kinda describes what a coward I am. haha.

(and junjie I know you're reading this don't judge me zzzzzzzz HAHAH)

(DONT JUDGE ME)

This week was tough.
well, mostly because I felt so depressed.
k the rest is in my journal already, so won't talk much about it now.

I'm IC for next week *dies*
hope everything will turn out well.

and I'm very stressed over my personal statement for UCAS.
can't seem to write anything. sigh.
gotta settle it fast! ):

sighhhhhhhh.

uninspired.

Dear God.

The only thing I ask of you.

Worry.

2.14am

1. I'm such a dick.

2. Still not started with personal statement.

3. I feel so inadequate. There are so many good people out there fighting and competing against me. What makes me more deserving than them?

4. If at this stage I'm still doubting myself I think its better if I don't apply.

5. I feel like shit.

6. I'm sleepy.

7. I have to find a way to convince myself that I can do it, and I must do it.

8. Its gonna be worth it. Just try. You have nothing to lose.

9. I've been thinking about you for a long time.

10. Shall let fate decide. God will do the maths and the universe will unfold itself.

2.24am.
Just got myself a pack of biscuits.

lets go.

Explosions in the Sky.

Been at home the whole day.
very unproductive, haha but well I guess it isn't that bad, considering that I need to relax and think.

been sitting in front of the com thew whole day, downloading stuff (mostly academic), and rearranging my music (haha new music ((: )

sigh I don't know how to start executing my plans ):

This week has been a very draining week, both physically and in other ways.
I'm not as strong as I thought I was.
looks like I overestimated again myself. haha.
well, its called training for a reason.

I'm starting to get very disgusted with people who are always trying to save their own asses ALL THE TIME.
I know I'm not prefect, but they are going too far.

I admit that I'm starting to get selfish myself, and I do act in my own interests sometimes, but they are really going too far.

It'll be tougher next week.
But nvm, hang in there.
Its called training for a reason.

Anyway, on a happier note, went out with the guys yesterday for fun haha.
Josh, MX, TA, Martin, MHR, Jiahong, Reynold and I went to watch Bourne Legacy.
Really action packed (I don't usually get sucked into the screen by gun and gunshots but I must say that the movie was good), but the storyline sucked.
HAHA BLEH.

Went to Marina Bay to watch fireworks after that (Reynold left for home to book in) and it was really spectacular.
Very impressed by the fireworks this year haha.

Then we went to walk around (tried finding mrt without crowd but failed so we kept walking round and round and round haha)

In the end, we ended up in Eunos eating Zi Char for dinner (at 10pm) hahaha.

Girls are starting school soon, so we NSFs are starting to get depressed HAHAHA.
well, hang in there.
First checkpoint is November 2012, second checkpoint is January 2013, third checkpoint will be March 2012 ( One Year soldier).
and hopefully time will pass faster from there (:

Still have a lot of things I wanted to do though.
Guitar, kayak, Study, Read, train.

Well, will start when I pass out from course.

In the meantime, I'll enjoy myself while I can.
long breaks like these (4 day weekend lol) don't come by very often. haha.

The only moment we were alone.

well, wanted to write a little, but i'm a little tired now.

NDP preview yesterday was awesome.
(Tiong Ann suddenly dropped me a message in the morning asking me to go)
This year's shows is one of the best in recent years. or maybe its just being there.

well, leaving house in an hour's time.
don't even know why i'm doing this.

just hang in there.
things don't need reason to happen.

With our lives.

Hi y'all. Its been almost a month since I've posted anything here. haha. Well, I wanted to write, but I could only manage to finish everything bit by bit, so here's everything that has happened so far:

(Warning: Long post ahead!)
_____________________________________________________________________

Spent the few days of my block leave sleeping. well, don't ask how, my guess is that its food poisoning. (well it actually was food poisoning haha. just that it was not a major case) But I felt so horrible. can't imagine what would happen if I fall sick and no one's there to take care of me ): (haha yeah looks like venturing overseas isn't that easy afterall.)

Was reading through all that I've written throughout bmt, and I realised that the way I write focus on what happened instead of what I feel. I guess this is what actually happens when one begins going through the motions without a goal or something in mind.

"Just get this done and over with"

Its difficult not to become lazy and just go through the motions, giving substandard work.
It will be difficult, especially so later in life I guess, where we go to work everyday and do the same stuff over and over again.

How to prevent this? HAHA. don't ask me. I don't know either.
But I guess it takes a strong, passionate and committed person to find purpose in his work.
_____________________________________________________________________
This week has also been a timely reminder that death is a scary thing.
well, I guess that it is time that I have to start mustering the courage to deal with death.
It is going to be difficult, but its part of growing up, yes?
_____________________________________________________________________
Had my third and final PC interview last monday.

Well, I've always had this respect for my PC.
Hard to find such sincere people like him around.
And I really respect him because he admits his mistakes.

Though he is too nice sometimes, and its bad for him cause I think he takes a lot of work.

Anyway, he asked me what my greatest takeaway from bmt is.
I had a very hard time answering that question; I didn't learn anything from bmt, and I really didn't know what to say.
I've learnt a lot from my time in BB and those lessons were the ones which carried my through bmt, and I guess that was why I didn't learn anything - I've learnt whatever I needed in the army from BB.

And so I just came up with anything that I could think of.

"No matter how hard the situation, just stick through it."

And I think he could tell that I was smoking him, cause he asked me "Huh? shouldn't you already have learnt these kind of things already?"

hahaha. Well, I guess its one thing to learn a lesson and another to keep it with you for life.

But he was nice, and even complimented me on my optimism. (well, I really don't think I am as optimistic as he says haha.)

But then, he also mentioned that it is one thing to be optimistic, and another to be blindly optimistic, and I guess this is another one of my greatest takeaways.

Anyway, he asked me to start keeping a journal to keep track of all that happens.

"Teachable moments like these don't come by so often."

And that was when I realised that I have been focusing too much on lessons, and not the moments itself.
I've been taking teachable moments for granted I guess, which I told myself not to at the start, but I've somehow lost focus.

And that was how I got my greatest takeaways from bmt - during that final PC interview along Platoon 3's corridor.
_____________________________________________________________________
Anyway, talking about takeaways from BMT, I guess another one of my greatest takeaways from bmt, will be the people I've met, both the commanders and my fellow platoon mates.

For one, I think I've got the best commanders out of the whole coy. (:
2LT Weijing, SGTs Teckguan, Kuanjie and 'Ammar.
They're really the best lah. hehe. (:

And of course, there are some other commanders in my company whom I didn't like initially, but as time passed, I began to appreciate them more. (:

and there are some commanders whom made me realised what a commander shouldn't be.
And I am thankful for all of them.

And there's my section mates whom I've really owe so much to.
Learnt a lot from them,
_____________________________________________________________________
On the day of 24km Road March, morale was high. hahahaha.
can't remember much about it, except that:

1. final days leading up to POP.
Area Cleaning, Area Cleaning, and Area Cleaning.
hahaha. sian of Area cleaning man. But there was a sense of satisfaction after that cause coy line was so damn clean! hahaha.


2, Everyone played pranks on each other the night before.
camo each other's specs, add powder into their boots, syukri splashing algae water on Brandon (HAHAHA), Whole Falcon coy executing tactical movement to pranks each other at night, changing SGT TeckGuan's Rank.

3. We had our first canteen break on the last day (That was where I bought my 2 packets of sugar-free sweets - food poisoning suspect 1), and SGT TeckGuan brought us along. Before we went back to coy line, he asked tim if everyone was present, and he said yes. (forfeit if someone was missing was 200 pushups)

When we reached coy line, we realised that someone was missing (HAHAHA Chan Chuen suddenly disappeared) and SGT Teck Guan started asking tim where he was. But with that smile, (and we were still standing and not kissing the floor haha) we knew he was trolling.

Anyway, he left us with his 'last lesson' that we should be more cautious after we get posted into our new units, especially so since we get charged easily out there. Don't over-promise and under-deliver. only gets us into deep shit. haha. so thankful for him right :')

4. On the same day, we had time to rest in bunk and everyone slept very soundly (including me) (oh it was after the canteen break). I suddenly woke up and saw this person staring at me. GOT A SHOCK. hahaha. Turns out it was OC Sir checking on all of us. Heard from Sebastian that he actually peeled the skin from his feet and went to smell it to check for footrot. I didn't believe him at first. (HAHAHA can imagine everyone reading this to go eeyer and everything.)

You won't do it, I won't do it. But he did it for us. Us, his recruits. You know, he's really a very great commander who takes ownership of his men. I'm really blessed to have been under his care these few months in tekong. really really touched (':

He spoke to us shortly after that in Eagle-Falcon lecture Theatre. and he left us with 3 things which left quite a deep impression on me.

- keep your values close to you; its the only thing that'll guide your decisions when you have nothing left.

- Be proud of yourself. If you yourself are not proud of yourself, then who else will be proud of you and your achievements?

- Your experience is yours to create. No matter where we go, our mindset must be right, in order for us to make the best of what we have.

and with that, we ran up back to bunk, grabbed our FBO, and it was 24km Road March.
_____________________________________________________________________
24km Road March? hahaha. thought it was easy. but it was more tiring than I expected.

It started raining 3 minutes into our road march (merely crossed the first traffic light) and we became drenched. Got our abrasions and everything later on because of our wet uniforms. haha. but it was good.

They gave us alot of food! (haha my sweets dropped in my vest, and I still ate them, so.. food poisoning suspect 2)

East Coast was a total mindfuck. serious. Thought that we were going to exit east coast at 10pm. But we only did so at 2-3am. HAHAHA. so in my head, I went "its finishing soon" for more than 5 hours.

Ouch. hahaha.

Along the way, everyone was so tired along the way. (It was near Gardens by the Bay) and OC sir started singing. (: so everyone sang along (: it was a real morale booster. ((:

Lesson learnt: Don't underestimate Road Marches. They are easy. up to 16km that is. HAHAHAHA. Night road marches are really not easy. (especially when the person in front can't shut up! haha)
_____________________________________________________________________
We Reached Marina Bay Platform at around 4am. so we had time to sleep until 6am plus.

and that was it - the parade.

We didn't know what to expect there cause its really our first time there.
But the commanders were right - it did feel different there.
The bright morning sun, cooling breeze, cheering crowd; It was amazing.

well, I'll admit that i cried when we re-entered the parade square after returning our arms.
OC Sir, along with LTA Yeung, shook all of our hands and congratulated all of us.
and that was when I knew; that was when all of us knew, that it was the last time - the last time we'll be marching together.

You know those times when you know you want to cry, and you start controlling your breathing and your tears, but they come out worse than ever? Yeah - I came out a tear-stained mess.

I really didn't know why, but I guess, 4 months together, growing stronger together, its not easy to say goodbye just like that.

But I guess its doesn't end there. Its only the start of a long journey.
_____________________________________________________________________
So, block leave...

Diarrhea started on monday (vegetarian curry - suspect number 3, prawn mee after POP - suspect number 4) and I slept the day away.

Tuesday: Met up with Junjie for Dinner, and stayed over with the girls. Just whole day talk cock and sing song only ahhaha. (lol sing song until we woke leona's parents up hehe)
Watch the Great Magaician (wanted to watch it so long ago manz) and its not bad. (: it was good, it was good. (:

Wednesday - had breakfast at Hougang Macs with JJ and the girls, before heading back home.
and I SLEPT THE DAMN DAY AWAY CAUSE I HAD DIARRHEA. Period. ()

Thursday - spent the afternoon at titus's house with JJ and zhida playing halo.
(eh my halo skills improved a little after army! though still noob lah)

joined a few of the section mates for dinner later!
Robin, Weijie, Brandon, Tim, JinJie, Dom and Polly (Dom's gf). hehehe
(HAHA Dom and I were 40mins late for this one and weijie was so pissed hahahahah)
had Marshe at 313@somerset, and it was damn ATAS can!! .
though the food could have been better for its price (well, you rarely hear me say that food is not up to standard)
One thing for sure though, was that the company was great! .
Went to play pool after that! I take time to warm up, and I played pretty well after that. haha. though I only have a period of time where I perform before I actually start shooting like some ballz. .

Friday - Met up with the Section again! This time to play pool, LAN and to share our posting! haha everyone's posting sounds exciting. well, its good. (HAHAHA this time I was the early one so.. yeah nvm lah wait lor :P its karma heehe)
Still can't play DOTA -.- haha suck at it cause the game requires practice, and I don't really see the fun in it :P
But anyway, still a good day out with the guys. looks like it will be a long time before we can find time to meet up with each other, especially for the ocs guys. (:

Saturday - joined MX Oh in his city adventures. haha.
So went to beach road to restock on stuff (bloody hell I spent a whopping $22 there) (spenthrift mode on only at beach road), went to National library to find books for me to read, and walked around city area and talked. hehe ^^

Sunday!
Class Outing (which I was late again) to watch 'Painted Skin II'.
Good movie with a good storyline, (it was predictable, but the last part had a very good twist!)
The major explosions at the end spoiled the show though.
walked to Bras Basar Macs to lepakkkkk (oh I remember we walked robert to his church with his crutches hahaha) and met up with jerrie there.
While some of the peeps went home, Vivi, Jerrie, Mingxuan, Teckyan, and I met up with Joshua to try Korean BBQ. WHICH WAS SHIOK MAX OKAY. ^^ I still smile when I think of the food khahaha.

and that was block leave. Wanted to go overseas at first, but I guess spending it back home with good company isn't that bad either. (:
_____________________________________________________________________
Anyway, for those who still don't know, I got posted to RSAF to be a Air Defence Weapon Operator (ADWO). and that essentially means GBAD (Ground Based Air Defence) which is.. quite fierce lah. HAHA.

anyway, my first week was spent at Air Force Training Command (AFTC) for Airmen Orientation Progamme (AOP).

My Course Coordinator was 3WO benson and he's a damn awesome WO I swear. hahaha.
talked to him and yeah he's nice.

anyway, it was stayout for the whole week for ADWOs (Air Force technicians had to stay-in) and they oriented us with the various airforce commands and the RSAF as a whole.

Lectures are a pain in the ass. HAHA. want to sleep but cannot cause Warren Benson will wake us up.

We did have some special programmes.
Values Workshop on Tuesday, which made me think more deeply about things.
The difference between commitment and obligation, the purpose behind adding meaning into our work (haha double pun) and why we need to serve ns (well, rape of naking where the elderly suffer and the women get raped and etc etc sigh so depressing)

and there was one point which made a very deep impression on me, and it was that we should learn to handle money, because it is the root of all evil.

I've never liked talking about money, because I thought that it is the root of all evil, and
This made me realise that I am merely running away from the problem.
so.. yeah I need to grow up. haha.

Visited Sembawang Air Base and Chong Pang Camp on Thursday!
Well, all i can say is that I touched a helicopter! hehehe ^^

Air Force Museum on Friday was.. not bad too. haha
Well, anything is better than staying in camp :P hahaha.
Quite fun lah (:

so.. AOP was a good week. slackkkk hehehe :P
_____________________________________________________________________
So, Monday came, and I got notified that I got posted to Chong Pang Camp (Its in Yishun)

They do real ops, so its quite classified and well, I can't talk much about what we do in there anymore..


"This is as real as it gets."

so, I guess whenever I blog, it'll be book reviews or movie reviews or shows or whatever I'm doing hehehe. (since I have much time now.)

The next 10 weeks of training won't be easy, so I'll have to hang in there.

This week did make me realise why I always feel that I am not trying my best.
When was the last time I felt like dying after a run?

hahaha.

I keep pulling back.
stayed too long in my comfort zone.
_____________________________________________________________________
Went for MOE tea session today..

Well, i sort of decided that MOE's not the organisation for me.
You know, after secondary school, I was so keen on teaching, on helping people, on becoming a teacher.

But after going through JC and having seen how ungrateful some people can be, I figured out that I no longer want to commit myself to people who refuse to commit to me.

so.. whats next? I don't know.
But I gotta act fast.
The next deadline is coming soon.
_____________________________________________________________________
I have bad posture.
Need to walk and sit up straight!
Body's too used to the hunch.

Don't wanna injure my back during training.
_____________________________________________________________________
long post huh.
hahaha.
yeah, result of procasination hehe.

have a lot of shows to watch now!
TBBT, Fringe, HIMYM, Criminal Minds.
hahaha so exciting man (:

next week of training will not be easy.
Just hang in there, Just hang in there.

We are young.

6 more hours to book in.

This week has been a very humbling week.
got my hopes up high, and crushed into pieces.
assumed so many things, and got proven wrong again, again and again.
got reminded of the very lessons I never wanted to forget.

BIC on monday.
Well, it was fun.
hahahaha. GPMG rounds flying overhead, leopard crawling.
well, fun 10 mins.


Got scolded by the SME though.
check clear when i wasn't supposed to.
ah fuck it lah haha.


Preparation for 'Unleash it all' on monday night.
I didn't feel good.
It was the same damned feeling I had during the pre-A level period.
The feeling that we won't make it, that we will screw up and let everyone down.

But it wasn't in my control.
If everyone doesn't give a shit, me trying to push the whole project along with my own might alone won't help at all.

It takes a true leader to continue pressing on, no matter what happens, no matter how dismay the situation.
and well, I keep telling myself that; I know how important it is not to give up, even more so when everyone else has.
But I just felt horrible; like it was reminding me of this period of my life when everything just went wrong.
and I just couldn't press on.

I need to stay strong, sure and stedfast.

Anyway, games day on tuesday.
We lost everything except for hydrochange.
so close to winning tug-of-war and chain of command man.
but oh well.


anyway, we got 2nd for 'Unleash it all'.
which was damn unexpected cause Dragon and Falcon were good and they deserved to be the winners.
but looks like this is another reminder that things will always turn out different from what I expect.
It always does right?


Life works in mysterious ways.


Tuesday night was Drill com prep and Wednesday was Drill Competition itself.
We got second for it. so close to winning it.
And we lost because of one annoying motherfucker who did saluting with arms with the wrong hands.
And we lost best company award because we didn't win drill comp.
so close.

I remember CPT Fong saying that it only takes one mistake for everything to be screwed.
and this is it.
Just that one mistake; so much was at stake.

But whats done is done I guess.

Thursday was re-IPPT.
and i didn't make it.
But oh well, lets wait for my posting then.

Letting the wind bring me around isn't that bad after all.
Why fight against the wind, when you can't?

Recruit's Evening on Thursday Night!
Quite enjoyable, though I wasn't that high.
But it was definitely a night to remember.

Friday was a whole day of company admin time.
didn't even know why we stayed. hahaha.
UMPC out-pro (bye motherfuckerrrrrrrrrrr hahaha feels great to say goodbye to that burden. good riddance)

And there was a leadership talk for the top 30% of the BMT cohort.
well, I had to go for it.

This is when I can say that I made it, and regardless of where I go, I now know that my efforts weren't wasted.
of course, couldn't have done it without my section mates.
I owe it to everyone of them (:

Thanks bros. (:
owe it to all of you.

Anyway, Falcon won best company award.
Well, I think they really deserve it, cause they care about winning.
not like many others who don't give a shit at all.

short bookout this weekend I guess.
didn't have any plans so the past two days were spent at home.

second last book in in 2 hours time.
so cya. (:

Obese.

Lazy to start writing, but I really have to get my thoughts down.

this week has been real slow.
Don't know why either, but I guess its mostly because of unleash it all and ippt.

Crossing my fingers for unleash it all.
I have this feeling that we're going to be fine, but with things as it is now, I think we will screw up big time.
things aren't in my control, so I guess the only thing I can do is pray bout it?
funny how i'm saying this. lol.

didn't do very well for ippt as well.
injured back, fever, well, i'm forever trying to find excuses.

been thinking alot ever since I injured my back.
Accidents happen - you'll never know when they'll happen.
I wanted to make these two years meaningful, and I thought command school was the way to go.
But I guess being a normal man isn't that bad after all.
I can find meaning in other things I do, and I really kinda think being a man is better.
well, still gonna try and clear ippt.
Just want to stay safe these two years.

why did all my motivation and fight go?

I realised that I have a very 'obese' mind.
well, not to generalise, cause I think some of the obese recruits have much stronger will then i have/.
but I give up easily I guess.
not sure if that used to be the case, but doesn't matter, cause thats the case for me now.

I think I'm good at something, and I become complacent and start looking down on others whom I think are not as good.
total scumbag.
and soon they'll catch up with me and I get demoralised and I give up.
serves me right? i don't know.

but well, really lost now.
havn't had time to sit down and sort myself out.
well, I don't know where to start as well, so.. yeah.

anyway, weekends are still fun (:

went kayaking with ms koh and chris last saturday.
cleared my blocked nose haha.
well, need a little getting used to the kayak again.
keep losing control of the kayak. hahaha noobb.
and we saw this big ass jellyfish omg.
and I capsized myself by accident hahaha crap.

next, met up with the guys and watched Prometheus.
the movie was okay only, haha not say excellent or what.
but there was this scene on the operation.. I went wtf wtf WTF hahahah.

Went to Zoo with my sis, bro and cuz last sunday.
Well, it was fun (:
havn't been there for some time so it was nice looking at animals.
though many would argue that we should stop encaging them blah blah blah.
oh well.

16km road march this thursday.
the best road march yet. (:

booked out friday morning and met up with mx later to collect our sgc.
hahaha hung out a little with santosa and dropped by pasir ris for a little while heh.
then had dinner with mx cause robert's friend was going to drive him around.
eh pangsehhhhhhhhh hahaha.

went to help out at APC yesterday.
had been more than a year since i've been at a BB function.
was on car park duty hehehe.

anyway, went out with the other primers (inclusive of chow, jianzhong and bokchong) + ms koh for dinner @ JustAsia hehehe.
And we went to watch SADAKO next.
the movie was... scary at some parts, and quite funny at others hahaha.
luckily I didn't watch it in 3D hahaha.
I should try watching more horror movies eh.
heheh.

anyway, bok's dad sent me back after the movie cause there were no more trains around.
so nice right (: hehe.

had a nice time with choo this morning. (:
well, talked about many things.
hehe.

anyway, this week is gonna be stressful.
BIC + games day + re-ippt.

gonna need all that I've got.

gonna need to resume my plans already.

I need some caffeine.

hello.
2 weeks since the last entry huh.
can't remember much of what happened, everything is going so fast it is all a blur.

1. found out that I actually don't like voicing my dissatisfactions.
in a way it is good, cause I don't complain much, but then I explode when I take too much crap from others without giving them a warning sign.
so yeah, gotta tell others when i am unhappy I guess. haha.

2. There's much more at stake than I thought there was.
I was so childish.
gotta grow up and be more responsible for my actions and decisions.

3. I'm blindly optimistic.
Tend to become complacent and think I can do everything.
but there are physical limits.
one can push them, but not break them.
who did I think i was huh.
of course, I'm not saying we shouldn't try, but have realistic expectations I guess.

muscles will only grow after they are torn and worn out.
so I guess getting a few hard knocks here and there will make me realise important lessons that I must remember.

anyway, field camp was over last week.
I wasn't as bad as I thought it'll be.
well I guess CPT Fong protected us from all the turnouts and etc.

Day 1 was 8km road march (which was alright)
got punished by OC sir himself cause all of us were avoiding the puddles of water along the way.
(haha it was actually quite shiok)
pitched our basha, dug the drainage, and went on to movement in day and night.

Day 2 started with rifle PT which wasn't as bad as I thought would be.
well, it was a little tiring but at least it wasn't shag hehehe.
went on to fire movement to the front and rear, and the day ended with a flashbang demo by encik.

I was selected to be field camp IC on Day 2.
well, was quite happy.
didn't screw up except when the duffle bags were all over the place and 2LT Wei Jing scolded me because of the ill-discipline of the platoon.

"hey you know you don't have to do everything on your own, right?"

well, heard that only the better performing ones get chosen as field camp IC, so better grab the chance.
need to pass IPPT. that 4cm! come'on.

Day 3 was shellscrape.
took a good 4-6 hours digging mine cause my spot was untouched.
haha, oh well. overestimated myself.

"Have you ever wondered, what happens if you die?"

SGT Teck Guan and 2LT Wei Jing talked to us and well, thinking about it made me sad.
There's much more at stake than just me.

so what if I die?
Yes, it is the end of my dreams, but its not the end of the story.
how would everyone who ever know me feel?
what would they be thinking?
what would my family feel?

there so much more at stake.
and I gotta start fighting for all of these.

slept in the shellscrape at night.
haha made myself quite comfortable I guess.
except for the fact that it was wet and cold, it all went well. (haha heng no ant attack)

Day 4 was the fire movement test.
and packed up and proceeded to SIT Test site.

sat down and had fielc cooking.
and the section just talked.
its a beautiful memory i guess.

talked to dominic at night about lots of things too.
about our lives thus far, our plans, what we think of certain issues.
it was a good talk (:
he's a good and wise man.

"Its not only that one year. You'll feel like you are always lagging behind. All your life."

It only takes one mistake.

Sit test?
well, I barely spoke more than 10 sentences each day. (haha die)
but both my missions (as IC and 2IC) were successful.
well, thankful that I got nice assessors. (:

NUS rejected my scholarship application.
well, didn't see it coming, but yeah gotta execute plan B already.
will revise my plans again.

brief summary of this week: (booking in soon and am in a rush of time)

monday was UO.
safety time out (shall not disclose much here) for a few hours.

tuesday - 12km road march.
shoulders did ache a little.

wednesday - got screwed cause of last week.
did eq check at night and got our overdue 1x good one. hehehe.
also rehearsed for GP.

thurursday - PT
AGR sucked.
no motivation at all.
feel lethargic for many PT lessons.
I guess I need something to spur me on.

friday - our platoon had a session with SGT TG and PC WJ about command school.
well, it all sounds interesting.
don't know if I can make it, but I want to.
I have a calling.

need to try harder.

Saturday - RT for half an hour only cause of the rain.
so went back to bunk.
AND LOCKED BRANDON IN HIS BED hahaha.
and once gozilla broke loose, POWDER WAR! SMOKE OUT.
haha epic (:

love platoon 3. (:

kay gotta go.
hee bye!

and thank you for this whole week (:

Biscuit.

well, these 2 weeks have been full of high key events.

our first 6km road march, IMT/BTP (range), Hand Grenade, IPPT.

was short of 4cm to pass ippt for sbj.

but if I don't make it, I don't.

so oh well, here's to the next ippt!

was very down these two weeks, sort of an all time low for this period.

realised how conceited I was.

and realised how far away I was from my goals as well.

don't think nus is offering me a scholarship cause I havn't received any reply.

But oh well, so far no news, so shall take it as good news.

but need to keep my spirits up.

field camp tomorrow.

note to myself:

stay optimistic, don't give up. just a little bit more. bit by bit. hang in there. just keep trying. be disciplined, control myself, and help everyone else.

alright, so, do the best you can, no regrets, stay happy.

thats all I want from myself.

rife, buddy and me.

"I will do today what others won't, so that I can do tomorrow what others can't." 

- Lester

This week was fast, but i'm really not sure why it was so damn long.

felt like forever man, just that it was enjoyable ^^ hehehe

1. week full of fire.

fire near tekong island, fire at apache/broncho audi while we were there, and that false fire alarm on sunday night at 1am (which we all thought was another damned turnout haha)

all of us rushed down with our helmets and fire extinguishers and fell in, and went to coy line office.

sgt kuanjie was sleeping inside, and when we woke him up he had that FML face haha damn funny.

and falcon was like "f***ing false alarm go back sleep" hahahaha.

but it was fun, just that it made everyone tired the next day.

2. IPPT on wednesday.
pull up status: 4.
improving fast, hope to reach 5 by next week!

sbj status:203
improving but not fast enough!
come'onnnnnnnn.

situps: 29
fail haha knn f**** shit wth
need to train again #sian hate situps

shuttle run: 10.5s
could have been 10.2, need to be a little faster

2.4km run: 10:53min
yes, touched 10mins, next aim is 10:20min

well need to work alot harder I guess.
rawr.

3. scorpion time this week! (oh ask me why I call free time scorpion time. please)
lots of periods i guess, haha damn shiok.

4. SOC lesson 1.
can clear low rope, yet to try low wall, but all is good (:

5. IFC
damn freaking fun.
but can forsee getting trashed by the sgts with our current performance haha.

6. New recruits came in this week!
saw some people I know in school 1 and 2 hahaha.
but so pissed cause the platoon keeps singing the bookout songs infront of them which I think was stupid behaviour.
being in the army is not an excuse for us not to think about other's feelings and morale.
but they just can't stop so.... sigh.
anyway, looking forward to pop-ing with them!

7. Dominic sat down and told me, that I am too helpful.
well, its not a bad thing totally, but he said that firstly, he doesn't want me to get worn out, and secondly, when I help others, I expect others to help me as well, and most of the time I don't get that help I want and it affects my morale.
and I was shocked cause he totally read me like a book.
so I guess I got to keep my expectations of others in check.
but with other people not being proactive, how can I not volunteer to do stuff?

7. well, shalln't talk about this one.
just that sometimes things happen.

gonna talk to the commanders and try and find a solution for this one.
but it happened right in front of me, and I could do nothing to stop it.

sigh oh well, things happen.

k thx bye gonna sleep and book in tmr.
haha well this is army life HAHA.

next week gonna be exciting!
Markmenship training (both computerised and real range), 6km road march in long 4, Urban ops (which is likely to be postponed or suspended due to the many accidents that has been happening)

and of course, college day (going to see the teachers!), FoS open house (which I don't think I'll be going cause of college day), and dental checkup (aww fml)

then its one bookout and fieldcamp.

gotta be mentally prepared.

go go go.

Lead, Excel, Overcome.

Interesting week this has been.

Early book in on monday night for guard duty on tuesday.
Not that bad - the SGTs we got were nice, though the duty SGT was annoying at times.

prowled ladang camp with weijie.
and we just talked.
science, religion, relationships, mistakes from the past, everything under the sun.
haha well i'm really glad I did duty with him. (:

walkie-talkie language is interesting. haha.

There was a thunder storm halfway when we were prowling ladang during our second shift.
AND IT WAS FUCKING SCARY.
loudest thunder strike I ever heard.
and I was like FUCK WE'RE GONNA DIE.
but it was memorable cause we kept talking and talking without stopping - people we both know, nature, and lots of other things.

and I learnt some stuff from him I guess.
like how it is common to get cocky once in a while (always unhappy with myself because of that); it is not alright, but we shouldn't put ourselves down because of it. Instead, we should constantly check ourselves.

Night Duty was Sentry (I got Apache Gate with Weijie for first midnight shift and a Perm Staff for second midnight shift)
Didn't manage to get any sleep during breaks (was busy doing peer appraisal which was homework HAHAHA)
but it was alright cause I didn't feel sleepy. haha.

Anyway, the SGT I got for Sentry was very nice.
He asked me to sleep even though I wasn't tired cause he knew that I had training later and needed.
Didn't sleep though - talked to him until 0530 when we left for Guardhouse.

shall keep the stuff he told me secret (INTERNET IS OPEN HAHA SUCKERS)
All I can say is that it'll be a new adventure wherever I'm posted to after BMT.

Thursday went past quick - sleepy + cranky cause of lack of sleep.
But everyone was so sweet.
HAHA Dylan Khoo was the sweetest (awwwwwwwwwwww) He bought strepsils for me! ((: (sweet... get it? HAHA)
Platoon, Company and Individual Photoshoot.
I really love Platoon 3 (:
Disfucntionally functional (:

Today was fast as well.

PT in the morning, and it was bookout to Singapore Discovery Center!
Army Museum (which was quite interesting and amazing)
Want to go on a overseas peacekeeping/humanitarian aid mission if I have the chance!

Tour to SAFTI as well. (didn't know it was open to the public haha)

To Lead, To Excel, To Overcome.
How can I lead and overcome challenges if I don't excel?
Must make sure I am up there before trying.
Well, OCS is still far from sight, not sure if I can make it anymore.
Kenneth was saying how my confidence is wavering hahaha.
but oh well, fighting spirit, and a little bit more consistency, perserverence, and initiative.

I'm becoming very insensitive towards others - need to start keeping myself in check.

Had dinner with section 4/Platoon 3 peeps @ Carl's Jr.
HAHAHA SHIT gained back all the weight I shed.
but HECK HAHAHAHA.

well, I'm back here at home.
Avengers with Class peeps tmr, and outing with leona Bree and JJ on Sunday.
and book in!

May Batch coming in next week.
and the real challenge starts - PTP ends, and BMT phase starts next week.

Need to start fighting harder, harder HARDER.





keep fighting.

Check-up

can't seem to think of a title for this post.

very tired now.

Well, fast, hectic but long week.

1. First Stand-by-Universe on Thursday cause someone from our sister company Falcon lost his magazine (not 8-days etc, but a weapon part) and they had to search the entire cluster for it (and still not found)

Well, God bless him. lol.

2. Road March this week!
It was good! Morale was high, everyone was keeping good pace.
Well, I must admit that it was mostly due to CPT Fong leading the platoon in cadence.
Not a guardsman for nothing. He made us echo and sing whatever he sang for more than 2km without stopping to think of another song.
That is called professionalism I swear.

Really have to learn how to bring the morale of the team up.
Morale is key. It is like fire when cooking a soup.
Too little, or too much is not good.
But just the right fire will make whatever that stops us, burn to ashes.

3. Current Affairs discussion this week: If you were the pilot, would you have dropped the A-bomb on Japan?

First thing that came to my mind - Yes.
I was so convinced at first that it was a necessary evil to drop the bomb.
I would have dropped the bomb. As many times needed to end the war.

They deserved it. They are a evil nation who wanted to gain at the expense of others.
And whoever is part of that nation shall die.

But no.

We are supposed to fight for people who cannot protect themselves.
yes - civilians; those on the enemy's side as well.
What makes the lives of people in my country more important than the lives of people in other countries?

But what about those who were killed and raped and destroyed by the Japs?
were they not innocent?
The Japs deserved it.
Yes, they are civillians, but everyone knows there are consequences; positives and negative ones, for every decision one makes.
Since they benefited from the war, the civilians should go down with the war as well.
Blast them, blast them all.

And then, I thought of everyone I loved getting blasted by the A-bomb.

fuck.

they didn't have a choice - it was the leaders who made the mistakes, not them.

In the end, I still submitted the assignment saying 'yes, I'll drop the bomb."
But this is a question worth thinking about.

What happened to caring for everyone, what happened to the universal brotherhood I believed in?
What happened to the humility I've always believed everyone should have?

need to check myself.

4. the PFTs says that I have very bad posture.
Realised it now.
need to correct it.

5. chanced upon the midshipmen course on cyber-pioneer. its essentially ocs for the navy)
Interesting and cool. haha. AND I SAW FERRON in the videos! Its really damn cool.

Had PC interview last night, talked to PC.
well, I'm really far from what I want.

its how badly I want it, how much i am willing to work hard for it.

I'm fighting for what I want, which is good.
But, I got to fight harder.

need some time alone to myself.
don't feel like talking to anyone, or going out.

dropped out from guitar performance, declined to go out with friends. (while I can't make it for the ones I really wanna see)
well, hope I can get things sorted out soon.

6. Have guard duty on Labour Day.
Well, actually not my guard duty, but covering for someone haha.
anyway, if you are reading this, you better have a good day out alright! (:

7. stop snacking.

8. short week ahead!
hope it'll pass by fast.
BMT is starting to get more fun.
and more stressful.

need to keep my mental state of mind in check.

9. really sleepy.
will sleep now. (2259 already. usually light out 20mins before now)

10. long weekend ahead (well, longer than usual i suppose)
Will restock on supplies and music (:

11. Well, havn't thought of a title, so sha-
okay wait, have a title already (:

bye.