阿嫲过桥

烧纸钱，是我们华人一个很重要的习俗。
我们烧纸钱，有很多原因。
我们烧纸钱的其中一个原因，就是死者在世时，没有好好的让他过好日子，没好好孝顺他。
人死了以后，为了解脱这种愧疚感，我们唯一能为死者做的事，就是烧纸钱，希望他们在阴间，能过无忧无虑的好日子。

婶婶说烧纸钱，不是烧得火越大越好，而是烧得越久越好。
烧纸钱，不只是让我们解脱我们心里的遗憾。
烧纸钱，不只是希望刚过世的人能安心上路。
烧纸钱，也是提醒我们祖先的付出。
烧纸钱，是我们孝顺祖先的一种方式，也是我们表现出我们在心里，对过世的人的思念。

烧纸钱，越久越好，是提醒我们，不能忘记祖先们的牺牲，要饮水思源，要把他们久久地牵挂在心里。
烧纸钱，也是要我们勇敢的向前走；要我们勇敢地爱还在世的人，不要后悔。
阿嫲，您现在，再也不用为我们操心了。
希望您安心上路。

阿嫲，过桥。

bang.

finished counting coins for later.

can't get to sleep.
sleeping and waking up only at 1am was part of the reason (so tired I didn't go down tonight), but I just can't sleep.

been thinking about so many things. the past. the present. the future.
been thinking about everyone that used to be part of my life, people whom are part of my life right now, and how I'm uncertain what will happen next; to me, and to them.

Death now has a new meaning for me.
Its not just about what happens to the person who dies.

If you are of a certain faith, you may say that one goes to heaven to hell after one dies.
If you are an atheist, you may say that that the end of the story.

But for me now, death means more.
Its not the end of the story.
The story goes on.

I came to realise (I don't usually think about such stuff) that death is also about the people who are left behind in the living world; what happens to them, what struggles will they need to pull through, what courage they must have to overcome whatever happen, and how they will do it.

I certainly don't believe in heaven or hell.
But, I might just be in hell now.

(maybe I used to believe in heaven and hell, but maybe I don't anymore. just maybe.).

better still, hell has yet to come.
or maybe its not all that bad and i'm just fucking myself up.

bang.

Its always the uncertainty that scares me.
so much for me telling everyone to go ahead and try when I myself forget how fearful it gets once in a while.

and every time I talk about uncertainty and death, I'll remember Feynman and Sagan and many others who   faced their own deaths with such courage.

I have much to learn.

anyway, a piece of 'good news' from this depressing period.
NTU invited me for an interview session for CN Yang Scholars Programme and the undergrad scholarship.
But not really keen on NTU, so not sure if I should go and try just to get myself warmed up for other interviews (like NUS which I hope will reply me soon), or just give up and reject them straight.

I'll have to take leave from RT if I go for the interview which means I will pile up my RT, and this means that I can't take leave for other matters anymore, which sucks cause I'll have to give up the guitar performance (which sucks cause I'm on the verge of giving up now cause I havn't had time to practice at all.)

this is just another low period which I think will get over soon.
soon, I hope.

of course, I can always be optimistic and say I'll try my best for everything and not get RT and go for everything I want blah blah blah.

but its not so easy anymore.

ah screw this i'm going to sleep.

Worry.

As we grow older, i realize that we start thinking more about death. Not to go all morbid on yall, but isnt it true?

I get worried when my mom comes home late from work, or if my dad suddenly takes a little longer to get home from buying dinner. Its also really sad that i've attended a few of my friends' parent's funerals in the past few years.

I know death is inevitable, but the worst thing is it coming as a shock. We really have to treasure the people we have around us, because who knows how long more we'll have them around? How long more will we have to hear them scream and nag at us? Or to hear them say they love us?

Don't let yourself regret the things you've never done, or the words you've never had the chance to say.

- from http://mehmmy.blogspot.com/

This has been happening to me for a very long time.
I finally realise that it doesn't feel good to worry about someone. (though I know perfectly that it won't help at all)
I keep thinking and worrying about everyone when they are out on errands or out working.
and when I finally take my mind of it, death comes when you least expect it.

I really don't know what to do.

so tired/shag/exhausted whatever. (exhausted all the words already).
was on for night shift cause everyone else had to work or go for school.
just kept folding and folding the paper money until dawn.

I don't like going for funerals.
not just because it means someone has left the world, but because usually all the tension and stress and problems that have been well hidden will start to surface and it starts to kill everyone emotionally.

havn't slept a wink.
going for lunch now before sleeping.
going to get busy tonight again.

Safety Breach.

hello.
I guess you are wondering what I'm doing online at home on a weekday when I should be in camp.

well, grandma passed away yesterday morning at the ripe old age of 91 .
got up for her usual cup of coffee, went back to sleep and never woke up again.

I only got hold of the news yesterday night, so booked out immediately.
kind of upset me that I got hold of the news so late, but its my own fault I guess.
shows my commitment to my family huh.

It is really sudden you know, saw her like a few weeks ago and she was still fine.
When I switched on my phone yesterday night and received the message, I really went 'what the fuck'.
couldn't believe it.
I remember telling myself to cherish everyone around me just 2 blog posts ago, and just when I was about to do something, these things happen.

I'm always too slow huh.

booked out, and the people on guard duty were like "shiok ah can book out"
I didn't want to take leave, not this kind of leave at least.
and thursday being ippt, I guess I screwed myself over.
missing out on days of pt, will have to catch up myself.

need to start trying my best and stop being such a sore loser.
need to change.

getting today and tomorrow off.and friday being good friday, and monday being block leave, I have almost a week off camp.
better make it productive though i'll be busy helping out at the wake.

went for the funeral, everyone was alright.
I guess everyone kind of saw it coming, especially with all that has been happening.
second uncle's death, third uncle's stroke, and fourth uncle going bankrupt, all in one year.
but the thing is now that grandma's gone, I think that hell's gonna break loose.
hope what I foresee won't come true.
gonna have to give my mum more support than what I am giving right now.

second funeral in this 6 months. don't want another one.
the sight of someone lying in there isn't a pretty one.
the thick make-up doesn't actually cover how pale and lifeless the body is.

there's still so much about life I don't know.

they say grandma passed away peacefully, but did she really have peace when she went?
I don't know, but hope she's fine, and if there's a heaven, I hope she doesn't bring all her troubles there.

The past week at camp was good.
pt pt and pt, and did technical handling of the SAR21 the past 2 days.
I guess it is easier to handle things when you understand its basic principles. (for both the SAR21 and physics haha)

nus science accepted me last thursday. (submitted my choice on sunday. first time so efficient)
had a talk with dad just now about my course.
well, he's not actually against physics, he is just against the scholarship I want. (he doesn't want me to teach)
I guess I didn't communicate properly to him about my interest in CAG and SIA scholarship so its my fault.
trying out only next cycle.

Had RT last saturday so booked out late.
and while booking out, along the ferry terminal, I told sean 'the shore is really pretty!'
and he said 'no, it is so barren!'
I disagree with how he thinks though.
Just because it is barren doesn't mean it cannot be beautiful.
like mountains or sand dunes, it can be barren and beautiful at the same time.

oh, and talking about this, ns is such a funny experience.
I get to meet people everywhere.
I get to see hanren everyday (cause he is just the next company), see dylan everyday (duhhh HAHAH).
but it is not just them. I see primary school friends, secondary school friends, jc friends, BB friends, all in camp.
and the funny thing is, sometimes they all know each other too haha.

and the tekong nightsky is beautiful.
can see so many stars (:

oh, sum41 actually has a new album.
didn't realise until dylan and jinjie were talking about music in camp.

this is my favourite song off the album, hope you like it too.

Hold me now, 'cause I couldn't even if I tried,
It's over now,
I guess it really is my time,
I don't wanna go,
but it's time I got to say goodbye,
So, hold me me now,
'cause this will be our last time.

I'm slowing down and I don't think that I can fight,
I know some how you'll find a way to live your life,
Remember just to live every day like it's your last,
And hold me now,

'cause I think it's time for me to pass.
I don't want to die,
I don't know why, this kind of fate was meant for me.
You got to be strong,
got to move on, it's not how it was 'sposed to be.
And what do I say,
it was never supposed to end up this way,
What do I have to do,
was I supposed to grow old with you?

But that ain't gonna happen,
No, that ain't gonna happen.

Hold me now,
'cause the time I've got's running out,
No tears allowed,
even though we've become without,
I just want to feel your head laying on my chest,
So hold me now,
as I take my last breath.

I don't want to die,
I don't know why,
this kind of fate was meant for me.
You got to be strong,
got to move on, it's not how it was 'sposed to be.
And what do I say,
it was never supposed to end up this way,
What do I have to do,
was I supposed to grow old with you?

But that aint gonna happen,
No, that aint gonna happen.

gonna go down to help out now.
she's getting cremated on saturday.

"Four In!"

Hello everyone.
back from camp on friday and booking in in 3/4 hours time!
a very short one before I continue with uni app and scholarship stuff.
blogging helps to reflect and set goals for this coming week, so... here I go!


anyway, confinement week was fun, army gets a little boring sometimes (k maybe boring is really an understatement) but at least the people are great. haha.
can't talk too much about it here.
I'm alright with being confined HAHA just that it gets a little too long.


life is good there. food is good, water parade daily, get my daily dose of vitamin D from the sun, and we don't have to wash our plates HAHAHAHA (wakao really makes me feel spoiled)


just get irritated with people who 1) are bloody blurr cocks but pretend to know everything, 2) people who whine, and 3) people who don't bother putting in effort.
but there are always people out there like there so have to bear with it.


anyway, I enlisted, got to know my bunk mates. (who I think are very nice people), have fantastic platoon sergeants, a experienced buddy.AND I love my OC. CPT Fong is really a great man. Vulgar-free man (I swear it takes a lot of discipline not to scold vulgarities in the army), and so inspiring. He majored in social work haha so cool. and I vaguely remember seeing him in some brightsparks scholarship magazine. gonna dig it out when I have the time!


anyway, first quote from him on the first day: "Pain is weakness leaving the body."
gonna let it stay with me.
continue fighting on.


played many games as well! averaging once a week. captain's ball, frisbee etc.
oh and we were playing tug-of-war on friday for games and it is such a great game. CPT Fong told us he loves tug-of-war for many reasons. lots of lessons to be learnt. starting right, working as a team, strategy.
but the most important lesson from the game which he taught me, was that tug-of-war is called tug-of-war for a reason. its because it really is so much like war. it only takes one mistake to spoil the game.
and that was when i suddenly realise that I cannot be as wishy-washy as how I used to be last time. need to change. make no room for any mistakes.


got my rifle (was quite scared of the whole thing about the rifle honestly. this bloody thing can kill), saw the power of it in the demo at the range. road marched twice for 3km which was pretty no kick and fun haha. looking forward to more road marches and etc.


did many more stuff too. alot of PT (I swear I have never sweat so much in my life before), swimming lessons ((((: and a lot of sleepy lectures (WALAO and we have elearning and homework too wtffffffff)


I'm no longer as sharp as I was last time. I don't whether it is because I really became more blurr or if it is attributed to my lack of discipline. got to stay sharp and aware really.


met up with joshua, martin, teckyan, cass and vivi ytd @ starbucks. met up with tiong for a short while before that to get my nus open house stuff as well. haha. and we just talked (: like talking cock HAHAHA.


busy with uni apps and stuff, esp the scholarship stuffs.
still not done yet omggggggg kill me...


Parents are against me studying physics and I even quarrelled with them over it. I see where they are coming from and I compromised by saying that I'll change, just that I need time to think about it. but they refuse to listen so I dun care anymore. gonna put it as first choice. bleh. :P


Quite unwilling to enlist because I have lots of things I want to do outside here.
But these two weeks have been a timely reminder for me to differentiate between what I need and what I want. it not easy to accept but no choice but to 'lan lan suck thumb' lol.


I got angry with people at some point of time in there and I'm sure I angered many people lol but oh well. better quit my short temper and deflate my ego a little before I get into big trouble with others.


anyway, for the first few days after I enlisted, I was very distracted cause i wanted to continue whatever I was doing at home. listening to lectures and studying etc. really forgot everything I've learnt already (and its only been 2-3 weeks D:) and I really felt quite sian.
(but k lah if I can forget whatever I learn, it means that I havn't actually learnt, mastered and understood it hahaha)
but I just wanted to get out of all the boredom.


but then, I thought of Richard Feynman, and all the exciting physics and things I wanted to learn.
but suddenly, I was reminded of what he said:

"Tell your son to stop trying to fill your head with science — for to fill your heart with love is enough."
- Letter to the mother of Marcus Chown, who had been fascinated with the profile of him on the BBC show Horizon in 1981, written after Chown asked him to write her a birthday note, thinking it would help him in his attempts at trying to explain scientific things to her. Published in No Ordinary Genius : The Illustrated Richard Feynman (1996), by Christopher Simon Sykes, p. 161.

That was when i realised that whatever I wanted to do wasn't so important after all.
I lost my focus.

The only reason why I respect Feynman and many other people like Carl Sagan so much is because of their personality and character, and insights. not the science they do.

and I suppose it is time for me to look at what I want to focus on, to review myself and whatever values I have, and most importantly, to fill my heart with love again.

I might not want this, but I most definitely need this, so I hope I come out a better man after all this.

like CPT Fong says, we can do alot of things with very little time. it is just up to us; whether we are disciplined or not. and whether we want to. Things like long term and short term goals, and even our personal vision and mission; they are all very important.
so gonna take some time to think about this. haha.

oh nice, finished this post in 30mins. fastest post ever.
haha cyaaaaaaaaaaa. got to return to doing uni apps (omg why is this thing so long)