bang.

finished counting coins for later.

can't get to sleep.
sleeping and waking up only at 1am was part of the reason (so tired I didn't go down tonight), but I just can't sleep.

been thinking about so many things. the past. the present. the future.
been thinking about everyone that used to be part of my life, people whom are part of my life right now, and how I'm uncertain what will happen next; to me, and to them.

Death now has a new meaning for me.
Its not just about what happens to the person who dies.

If you are of a certain faith, you may say that one goes to heaven to hell after one dies.
If you are an atheist, you may say that that the end of the story.

But for me now, death means more.
Its not the end of the story.
The story goes on.

I came to realise (I don't usually think about such stuff) that death is also about the people who are left behind in the living world; what happens to them, what struggles will they need to pull through, what courage they must have to overcome whatever happen, and how they will do it.

I certainly don't believe in heaven or hell.
But, I might just be in hell now.

(maybe I used to believe in heaven and hell, but maybe I don't anymore. just maybe.).

better still, hell has yet to come.
or maybe its not all that bad and i'm just fucking myself up.

bang.

Its always the uncertainty that scares me.
so much for me telling everyone to go ahead and try when I myself forget how fearful it gets once in a while.

and every time I talk about uncertainty and death, I'll remember Feynman and Sagan and many others who   faced their own deaths with such courage.

I have much to learn.

anyway, a piece of 'good news' from this depressing period.
NTU invited me for an interview session for CN Yang Scholars Programme and the undergrad scholarship.
But not really keen on NTU, so not sure if I should go and try just to get myself warmed up for other interviews (like NUS which I hope will reply me soon), or just give up and reject them straight.

I'll have to take leave from RT if I go for the interview which means I will pile up my RT, and this means that I can't take leave for other matters anymore, which sucks cause I'll have to give up the guitar performance (which sucks cause I'm on the verge of giving up now cause I havn't had time to practice at all.)

this is just another low period which I think will get over soon.
soon, I hope.

of course, I can always be optimistic and say I'll try my best for everything and not get RT and go for everything I want blah blah blah.

but its not so easy anymore.

ah screw this i'm going to sleep.