First, you guess it.

by far one of my favourite feynman series videos.
short, but really highlights feynman's humour and influence on people's lives. (esp. his sister)
enjoy and appreciate it (:

The inconceivable nature of nature.

tears.

well, glad the wake is over now.

Remember CPT Fong telling us on the first day we enlisted, that humans are the most stupid creatures on earth, because they never learn from other's mistakes; they can only learn from their own.

I agreed with what he said, but I never understood how deep the statement was.

well, I really have much to learn.

The Atlantic was born today, and I'll tell you how.
The clouds above opened up and let it out.

I was standing on the surface of a perforated sphere.
When the water filled every hole,
And thousands upon thousands made an ocean,
Making islands where no island should go.
Oh no.

Most people were overjoyed; they took to their boats.
I thought it less like a lake and more like a moat.
The rhythm of my footsteps crossing floodlands to your door,
Have been silenced forever more.
The distance is quite simply much too far for me to row,
It seems farther than ever before.
Oh no.

I need you so much closer
I need you so much closer
I need you so much closer
I need you so much closer
I need you so much closer
I need you so much closer
I need you so much closer
I need you so much closer

I need you so much closer
I need you so much closer
I need you so much closer
I need you so much closer

So come on, come on
So come on, come on
So come on, come on
So come on, come on

Physics textbook salvaged from the physics lab, table lamp, this song, night breeze, me.
Its a beautiful night tonight.

阿嫲过桥

烧纸钱，是我们华人一个很重要的习俗。
我们烧纸钱，有很多原因。
我们烧纸钱的其中一个原因，就是死者在世时，没有好好的让他过好日子，没好好孝顺他。
人死了以后，为了解脱这种愧疚感，我们唯一能为死者做的事，就是烧纸钱，希望他们在阴间，能过无忧无虑的好日子。

婶婶说烧纸钱，不是烧得火越大越好，而是烧得越久越好。
烧纸钱，不只是让我们解脱我们心里的遗憾。
烧纸钱，不只是希望刚过世的人能安心上路。
烧纸钱，也是提醒我们祖先的付出。
烧纸钱，是我们孝顺祖先的一种方式，也是我们表现出我们在心里，对过世的人的思念。

烧纸钱，越久越好，是提醒我们，不能忘记祖先们的牺牲，要饮水思源，要把他们久久地牵挂在心里。
烧纸钱，也是要我们勇敢的向前走；要我们勇敢地爱还在世的人，不要后悔。
阿嫲，您现在，再也不用为我们操心了。
希望您安心上路。

阿嫲，过桥。

bang.

finished counting coins for later.

can't get to sleep.
sleeping and waking up only at 1am was part of the reason (so tired I didn't go down tonight), but I just can't sleep.

been thinking about so many things. the past. the present. the future.
been thinking about everyone that used to be part of my life, people whom are part of my life right now, and how I'm uncertain what will happen next; to me, and to them.

Death now has a new meaning for me.
Its not just about what happens to the person who dies.

If you are of a certain faith, you may say that one goes to heaven to hell after one dies.
If you are an atheist, you may say that that the end of the story.

But for me now, death means more.
Its not the end of the story.
The story goes on.

I came to realise (I don't usually think about such stuff) that death is also about the people who are left behind in the living world; what happens to them, what struggles will they need to pull through, what courage they must have to overcome whatever happen, and how they will do it.

I certainly don't believe in heaven or hell.
But, I might just be in hell now.

(maybe I used to believe in heaven and hell, but maybe I don't anymore. just maybe.).

better still, hell has yet to come.
or maybe its not all that bad and i'm just fucking myself up.

bang.

Its always the uncertainty that scares me.
so much for me telling everyone to go ahead and try when I myself forget how fearful it gets once in a while.

and every time I talk about uncertainty and death, I'll remember Feynman and Sagan and many others who   faced their own deaths with such courage.

I have much to learn.

anyway, a piece of 'good news' from this depressing period.
NTU invited me for an interview session for CN Yang Scholars Programme and the undergrad scholarship.
But not really keen on NTU, so not sure if I should go and try just to get myself warmed up for other interviews (like NUS which I hope will reply me soon), or just give up and reject them straight.

I'll have to take leave from RT if I go for the interview which means I will pile up my RT, and this means that I can't take leave for other matters anymore, which sucks cause I'll have to give up the guitar performance (which sucks cause I'm on the verge of giving up now cause I havn't had time to practice at all.)

this is just another low period which I think will get over soon.
soon, I hope.

of course, I can always be optimistic and say I'll try my best for everything and not get RT and go for everything I want blah blah blah.

but its not so easy anymore.

ah screw this i'm going to sleep.

Worry.

As we grow older, i realize that we start thinking more about death. Not to go all morbid on yall, but isnt it true?

I get worried when my mom comes home late from work, or if my dad suddenly takes a little longer to get home from buying dinner. Its also really sad that i've attended a few of my friends' parent's funerals in the past few years.

I know death is inevitable, but the worst thing is it coming as a shock. We really have to treasure the people we have around us, because who knows how long more we'll have them around? How long more will we have to hear them scream and nag at us? Or to hear them say they love us?

Don't let yourself regret the things you've never done, or the words you've never had the chance to say.

- from http://mehmmy.blogspot.com/

This has been happening to me for a very long time.
I finally realise that it doesn't feel good to worry about someone. (though I know perfectly that it won't help at all)
I keep thinking and worrying about everyone when they are out on errands or out working.
and when I finally take my mind of it, death comes when you least expect it.

I really don't know what to do.

so tired/shag/exhausted whatever. (exhausted all the words already).
was on for night shift cause everyone else had to work or go for school.
just kept folding and folding the paper money until dawn.

I don't like going for funerals.
not just because it means someone has left the world, but because usually all the tension and stress and problems that have been well hidden will start to surface and it starts to kill everyone emotionally.

havn't slept a wink.
going for lunch now before sleeping.
going to get busy tonight again.