Life goes on.

Its been a little more than a month since I've written here.
Finally have a long weekend, and i can spare some time to write here.
can't remember much, so I'll just write the important things that happened.

not writing here, means that I didn't really have the chance to think through all that had happened.
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1. Malvin Yap got OOC-ed on the last week of the course.
I don't think that he actually deserves to pass out (and he didn't), but this is plain fucked up cause if you wanted to OOC someone since the start of the course for his attitude, just do it straight. Making him go through shit for nothing... well hopes he learns something from the time with us that will make him a better person.

This taught me the need to think and plan forward before we make a decision, and the importance of being decisive. People get hurt when we don't make decisions just because we are insecure.

Our insecurities shouldn't burden others.
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2. I have come to dislike the way uniformed organisations work.
I feel like I'm being used for the career advancement of those who are in command.

nvm, shalln't talk about this.
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3. Received my NYAA Gold Award on 11th October.
had the chance to shake hands with H.E. Dr. Tony Tan. haha.

well, the main takeaway from the whole programme would be the importance of commitment, perseverance, and staying grounded.

hope that I will have the chance to work with other NGOs through the NYAA GAHA and gain valuable insights as to what it really means to help others.
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4. Officially passed out from my course, and I'm now on Qualification Training Course.

Had my first Super Puma Ride on Wednesday. (:

was supposed to fly on both Tuesday and Wednesday, but my detail got pushed back and when It was my turn, the exercise got cut. (LOL we were in the heli and they decided to end it cause of a last minute activation)
Loading and unloading for so many times is not fun.

I got the best timing on Wednesday though!
Went to the site in the day, ate dinner there, had the chance to see the sunset, and flew back at night.
The view from the Super Puma at night was so pretty. (:

Might need to clock another time before I get qualified though, cause I was supposed to clock heli training twice, but then my detail got cancelled.
so lets see what happens.
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5. I have this lack of assertiveness when needed.
Need to correct this flaw.

Need to learn to strike a balance for everything.
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6. It was grandma's birthday last month and like any other family gathering I sat around randomly.

Aunt Pauline was talking to my mum, and she asks how it is like to have her children all grown up.

She replied,"Its lonely."

Need to spend more time with my family.
Time is starting to run out.

Though they annoy me from time to time, they are still family.
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7. Having big dreams is good.
You'll never know where these dreams will bring you.
Though whether one can accomplish their dreams.. That is another matter altogether.

It is equally important to stay rooted in reality.
so.. yeah.
I need to stop living in my head.

or will that be another stupid mistake?
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8. Watched Avenue Q with the guys (Ming Xuan, Tiong Ann and Martin) on the 6th.
Its a very good show! It is funny, entertaining, and at the same time it manages to engage issues such as racism, unemployment, and commitment in a very mature manner.

Had a blast that day (:

"Everything is just for now."
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9. Had a meet-up with Guitar peeps on the 13th.
Had Buffet @ Seoul Garden, Marina Square.

haha it was nice just sitting around and chatting.
though there was a little divide between the guys and girls (just a little) cause the guys talk about NS and girls talk about uni.

haha where got time????

Anyway, the food was good, company was good, and that night was good (:
Ran and caught the last train by a few seconds HAHA (heng.. if not I'd have gotten stranded at Dhoby Ghaut)
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10. Had an ADWO BBQ some time back as well at Daniel's house.
thank you Daniel and Family for hosting us (and listening to so much of our nonsense haha)

I drank a little, and felt a little weird.
hahah weird thoughts came to my mind. BUT I AM NOT DRUNK.

I merely asked if trees got drunk and everyone said that I was gone >:
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11. Cousin-in-law gave birth to her son yesterday.
well, new excitement in the family.

hope that the little boy will grow up well.

"When you come in to this world, you cry, but everyone else is overjoyed that you are now here.
It is my hope that when I die, everyone will cry, but I will be overjoyed because I know that I have made a difference."
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12. watched looper with Martin and Tiong Ann yesterday! (hahaha finally a Thursday off (: )
IT IS A GREAT MOVIE.

Drugs administered via eyedrops, time travel, Telekinesis, a vision of the future (yes things in the movie are still very much the same and that was what made it so realistic).

I kept jumping to conclusions and over-analysing! ughhh.
But I think my guesses would make another good story. hehehe.

The movie really made me think what would happen if my older self meets the me now.
well, I guess he'd think that I'm damn stupid haha.

"Here, I met a woman who would die for her son; a man who would kill for his wife; and a boy, angry with the world."

The protagonist's sacrifice at the end was... unexpected. (well at least for me)
I'd never have done it. I didn't think of it.

well, its a good twist.
very symbolic.
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13. I've been preparing for Cambridge admissions for the past few months.
doing tys in camp is painful cause I lost touch with everything. SIGH.
Did get the answers to a few questions I have been constantly asking myself. haha.

The interview was alright.
The interviewer (Dr. Saxton) asked me to summarise Paul's Dirac's book and what he predicted.
Well, I remembered that he predicted the existence of the positron, but forgot that his theory predicted spin as well. haha. SIGH.

Next, he took a ping pong ball, dropped it, and asked me to find the fraction of energy lost on every bounce, and the time taken for the ball to stop bouncing, which were both alright, except for me having so many arithmetic errors UGHHHH -_-

oh well, it could have been worse.

essay test and TSA tomorrow!
hope it'll turn out well.
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14. 2 members of the Zhonghua community passed away the past month.

One of them was an ex-student. I knew him personally, and at one point of time, was quite close to him.
He was a junior BB Boy (one year my junior), and I used to talk to him a lot.

However, as we stopped talking that much when I went on to sec 3, when I became a sergeant and took on responsibilities to be in charge of the company.

He stopped coming for parades, and I tried to persuade him to come back.
Didn't succeed though.

On hindsight, I guess it must have been because I talked to him in the capacity of a sergeant rather than a friend.

He had fits out of the blue one fine day.
And he passed away.. just like that.


The second person was a ZHSS teacher.

I wasn't particularly close to her, but she was my choir teacher in charge at one point of time.
I remember how some of us would bitch about her (haha) cause she didn't agree with us and give us what we wanted.

such immaturity. haha

She was the teacher in charge of my group when I went to vietnam in sec 3 as well.

She got posted out the next year.

I guess a lot of people were shocked when we found out that she passed away.
To many, she was a good teacher. responsible, caring, meticulous.

Her story appeared on wan bao.
I never knew her story until I read the article.

Harvard student, scholar, married to a polytechnic graduate (she's the main breadwinner of the family), her children are still very young.

Her passing away meant something more to her family.
Loss of income, loss of a soulmate, loss of a filial daughter, loss of the children's mother.

It is indeed a great loss to both all of us.

Well, RIP Ms Fu Shu Fen and Louis Mok.

"This is not my thing."

Once my friends and I reached legal bar-going age, I watched as we split into two factions. There were the people who went out to clubs to dance, and the people who went to pubs to sit and drink and talk loudly.
I hated the clubs. The music was awful, thumping electronic noise. I think I made about three attempts to have fun this way, and then I made a long-lasting error in judgment. I made a conclusion about myself I wasn't qualified to make: dancing is not for me.

As it turns out, much more investigation was required. But I didn't bother. I thought I knew. I’d endured three dull nights drinking draft under sweeping blue lights, pretending I was happy to be out and about but silently wondering how anyone could bring themselves to flail their bodies to uptempo remixes of Ricky Martin. So without quite realizing it, I decided I am not one who dances. I love music, but not the music people dance to.

A sweeping generalization like that, if it concerns who you are and what’s for you or not for you, can affect you for a long stretch of your life. For the next twelve years all invitations to go out dancing were declined by default.

That’s all it takes to keep something out of your life, a single instance of telling yourself  “This is not for me.” The problem is we don’t think much about what exactly constitutes “that” and so we’re prone to dismissing, just by association, a whole lot of experiences that maybe are for us. We lose track of our symbols.

Earlier this year it cracked — while traveling, which seems to be what I’m doing at all of the moments in which I become aware that a long-held misconception about myself has just died. I found myself sitting cross-legged on a friend’s floor, talking about music with a woman I’d just met. I liked her right away, and every time she mentioned an act I liked too, I felt closer to her.

When she mentioned she liked electronic dance music I felt a pang of disappointment — a bit less of a connection, momentarily. Somehow, nearly half a lifetime after I first rolled my eyes at a roomful of late-nineties club crowd, I figured some part of what I had seen and hated appealed to her.
And that’s because I already knew that is not for me. I’d known for years. I don’t dance. I think I said so.
I already knew her taste was excellent, though, and so I explored the music she was talking about, and of course it sounded nothing like the electro-pop I had hated as a teenager. It was awesome. Unpretentious and refined.

And now I dance. I love it. I should have been doing it all along.

To that day — and thankfully, never after — the image I had in my mind of going out to dance is the same one I rejected twelve years earlier: drunk teenagers dancing in a terrible suburban club to vapid anthem-pop.
What surprised me was how relevant my opinion of dance music still seemed, up until that moment. It felt true, but it was based on old, inadequate data, like most of our opinions probably are. Still, we tend to view our own beliefs as if they are real knowledge. I hadn’t realized how crusty and obsolete my impression of “dance music” was. In reality, since I’d last actively considered it, the sun had risen and set four thousand times, wars had been fought, borders had been redrawn, great loves had started and ended, eras had died. Children who were five then were now driving cars, and somehow I still felt like I had a pretty clear idea of what I was missing.

I can’t say for sure what my early dismissal of dancing cost me. Certainly hundreds of amazing nights out. Certainly dozens of would-be friendships and connections. Certainly it stifled my progress away from shyness and self-consciousness.

Naturally my personality gradually conformed toward the pub faction’s qualities and away from those of the club faction — toward more passive vibes where you sat and talked to the same few people, and away from more active and intimate social dynamics. I know now that the former is less me than the latter, given the superior vantage point I now inhabit, at 31 years. All I know for sure is that a huge amount of what I love was missed.

So essentially, at thirty-one years of age, a large area of my life — how I go out, how I recreate — was still being decided by a judgmental 19-year-old. I see now what a bad job that 19-year-old had been doing. He doesn't know me. He doesn't know what I value, what really turns my crank, what I ought to be afraid of or what I ought to seek out. My 29 year-old self wouldn't even do a very good job of telling me what to do. I’m a different person than he is.

This happens a lot. Much of what you do today (or don’t do) was decided by the person you were years ago, a person with less life experience and less insight into your values. Your identity — as in who you are to yourself, and who you are to others — changes throughout your life, and the person most qualified to be deciding how you spend your time now is always going to be who you are today.

But we often don’t work like that. We work from conclusions made years ago, usually with no idea of when we made them, or why. Most of our standing impressions are probably based on a single experience — one instance of unpleasantness or disappointment that turned you off of entire categories of recreational activities, lifestyles and creative pursuits, forever.

A conclusion is not the point at which you find the truth, it’s only the point at which the exploring stops. We do it quickly and unconsciously and the effects are long-lasting. In no time you’re left with a standing belief, a sort of surrogate “fact” in your head, left over from a time when you didn't know any better.
A lot of the things that feel like they are not for you are indeed for you. The person you used to be still wants you to be the person you used to be.

Beliefs collect like old magazines, except that even though they direct our behavior, we can’t really see them so we don’t think to clean them up or cull them. You may be familiar with the notion of challenging your beliefs but how do you actually do that in real life? Do you sit down with a big list and think about each one again?

That’s too abstract and too boring and if you've tried it you know it won’t get you anywhere. In real-time, moment-to-moment life, culling beliefs about yourself amounts simply to consciously doing things that feel like they’re not quite a natural fit for you, just to see what happens. If you’re not doing this on a regular basis — things that feel out of character for you — you are definitely missing out on a lot that is close to perfect for you.

Let the phrases “not my thing” or “not for me” become red flags to you whenever you hear yourself say them. How old was the person who decided that? Was it even a decision, or just an emotional reaction? How much do you really know about it?

Ask, or otherwise know that your lifestyle is still being directed by a younger and less experienced version of you who, frankly, doesn't know you at all.

suay.

wanted to blog about these few weeks, but I guess I'll leave it to later. (again)
(HAH! Signs of procrastination)

well, this week has been a very unlucky week for me.
bad not to the extent where I want to cry, but I very very frustrated with things.

(This can easily be my most suay week in 7 years) (though I don't believe in luck)

1. lost my 11b (IC) and camp pass while helping to clear the extra trash.
signed 8 extras and a $150 fine. ($100 for IC and $50 for camp pass)

2. SummEx.
damn annoyed by the whole thing.

my GPMG had to be the only one that couldn't be mounted, and it had to get stunned. (and all of us got fucked for it)

lost the glass panel for our combat sight. got fucked again.

Changed vehicle to 11C and inflated a life jacket by accident while removing the manpack boards. (to retrieve IFF for rooftop deployment)
almost signed a couple more extras. (well, at least BC was there)
(and yes heng we didn't get redeployed for rooftop)

its all coincidence. no such thing as luck.

3. booked out on friday night , and received a email that I won something from a lucky draw. (from yourkaki.com.sg)
I won pair of tickets to the f1 grand pix and concert (supposed to be last night)

first time I won anything from a lucky draw haha.
But if you thought I got lucky, sorry no. no happy ending.

I had to find another person to go with me, and every single person I asked had something on.
so when the person called again I had to reject the tickets.

4. went to sleep. thought I could have some peace.
got woken up at 6-7+am by my mum.

"boy your formation badge is missing"

I remembered putting it in my jockey cap on friday night but it had to go missing.
It turned out to be on my dad's car (which I havn't taken for 3 weeks)
and they keep saying they bought it outside.

but oh well, all are events that happened beyond my control, so I'll just take it.
so if life you wanna play with me, up your game.
I'll take you on.

On a happier note, SummEx is over, and no more outfield for quite a while.

Met up with leona bree and jj (whom I actually see everyday) for lunch.
just told them about my very suay week and laughed about it.
and yes I'll pick better stuff as presents next time.
seriously ran out of ideas this time hahaha.

and well, this week has taught me a little.
will write it down somewhere.

and yeah, people move on.

booking in soon.

Well, not exactly.

Existential Depression in Gifted Individuals
by James T. Webb

It has been my experience that gifted and talented persons are more likely to experience a type of depression referred to as existential depression. Although an episode of existential depression may be precipitated in anyone by a major loss or the threat of a loss which highlights the transient nature of life, persons of higher intellectual ability are more prone to experience existential depression spontaneously. Sometimes this existential depression is tied into the positive disintegration experience referred to by Dabrowski (1996).

Existential depression is a depression that arises when an individual confronts certain basic issues of existence. Yalom (1980) describes four such issues (or “ultimate concerns”)–death, freedom, isolation and meaninglessness. Death is an inevitable occurrence. Freedom, in an existential sense, refers to the absence of external structure. That is, humans do not enter a world which is inherently structured. We must give the world a structure which we ourselves create. Isolation recognizes that no matter how close we become to another person, a gap always remains, and we are nonetheless alone. Meaninglessness stems from the first three. If we must die, if we construct our own world, and if each of us is ultimately alone, then what meaning does life have?

Why should such existential concerns occur disproportionately among gifted persons? Partially, it is because substantial thought and reflection must occur to even consider such notions, rather than simply focusing on superficial day-to-day aspects of life. Other more specific characteristics of gifted children are important predisposers as well.

Because gifted children are able to consider the possibilities of how things might be, they tend to be idealists. However, they are simultaneously able to see that the world is falling short of how it might be. Because they are intense, gifted children feel keenly the disappointment and frustration which occurs when ideals are not reached. Similarly, these youngsters quickly spot the inconsistencies, arbitrariness and absurdities in society and in the behaviors of those around them. Traditions are questioned or challenged. For example, why do we put such tight sex-role or age-role restrictions on people? Why do people engage in hypocritical behaviors in which they say one thing and then do another? Why do people say things they really do not mean at all? Why are so many people so unthinking and uncaring in their dealings with others? How much difference in the world can one person’s life make?

When gifted children try to share these concerns with others, they are usually met with reactions ranging from puzzlement to hostility. They discover that others, particularly of their age, clearly do not share these concerns, but instead are focused on more concrete issues and on fitting in with others’ expectations. Often by even first grade, these youngsters, particularly the more highly gifted ones, feel isolated from their peers and perhaps from their families as they find that others are not prepared to discuss such weighty concerns.

When their intensity is combined with multi-potentiality, these youngsters become particularly frustrated with the existential limitations of space and time. There simply aren’t enough hours in the day to develop all of the talents that many of these children have. Making choices among the possibilities is indeed arbitrary; there is no “ultimately right” choice. Even choosing a vocation can be difficult if one is trying to make a career decision between essentially equal passion, talents and potential in violin, neurology, theoretical mathematics and international relations.

The reaction of gifted youngsters (again with intensity) to these frustrations is often one of anger. But they quickly discover that their anger is futile, for it is really directed at “fate” or at other matters which they are not able to control. Anger that is powerless evolves quickly into depression.

In such depression, gifted children typically try to find some sense of meaning, some anchor point which they can grasp to pull themselves out of the mire of “unfairness.” Often, though, the more they try to pull themselves out, the more they become acutely aware that their life is finite and brief, that they are alone and are only one very small organism in a quite large world, and that there is a frightening freedom regarding how one chooses to live one’s life. It is at this point that they question life’s meaning and ask, “Is this all there is to life? Is there not ultimate meaning? Does life only have meaning if I give it meaning? I am a small, insignificant organism who is alone in an absurd, arbitrary and capricious world where my life can have little impact, and then I die. Is this all there is?”

Such concerns are not too surprising in thoughtful adults who are going through mid-life crises. However, it is a matter of great concern when these existential questions are foremost in the mind of a twelve or fifteen year old. Such existential depressions deserve careful attention, since they can be precursors to suicide.

How can we help our bright youngsters cope with these questions? We cannot do much about the finiteness of our existence. However, we can help youngsters learn to feel that they are understood and not so alone and that there are ways to manage their freedom and their sense of isolation.

The isolation is helped to a degree by simply communicating to the youngster that someone else understands the issues that he/she is grappling with. Even though your experience is not exactly the same as mine, I feel far less alone if I know that you have had experiences that are reasonably similar. This is why relationships are so extremely important in the long-term adjustment of gifted children (Webb, Meckstroth and Tolan, 1982).

A particular way of breaking through the sense of isolation is through touch. In the same way that infants need to be held and touched, so do persons who are experiencing existential aloneness. Touch seems to be a fundamental and instinctual aspect of existence, as evidenced by mother-infant bonding or “failure to thrive” syndrome. Often, I have “prescribed” daily hugs for a youngster suffering existential depression and have advised parents of reluctant teenagers to say, “I know that you may not want a hug, but I need a hug.” A hug, a touch on the arm, playful jostling, or even a “high five” can be very important to such a youngster, because it establishes at least some physical connection.

The issues and choices involved in managing one’s freedom are more intellectual, as opposed to the reassuring aspects of touch as a sensory solution to an emotional crisis. Gifted children who feel overwhelmed by the myriad choices of an unstructured world can find a great deal of comfort in studying and exploring alternate ways in which other people have structured their lives. Through reading about people who have chosen specific paths to greatness and fulfillment, these youngsters can begin to use bibliotherapy as a method of understanding that choices are merely forks in the road of life, each of which can lead them to their own sense of fulfillment and accomplishment (Halsted, 1994). We all need to build our own personal philosophy of beliefs and values which will form meaningful frameworks for our lives.

It is such existential issues that lead many of our gifted individuals to bury themselves so intensively in “causes” (whether these causes are academics, political or social causes, or cults). Unfortunately, these existential issues can also prompt periods of depression, often mixed with desperate, thrashing attempts to “belong.” Helping these individuals to recognize the basic existential issues may help, but only if done in a kind and accepting way. In addition, these youngsters will need to understand that existential issues are not ones that can be dealt with only once, but rather ones that will need frequent revisiting and reconsideration.

In essence, then, we can help many persons with existential depressions if we can get them to realize that they are not so alone and if we can encourage them to adopt the message of hope written by the African-American poet, Langston Hughes:

Hold fast to dreams,
For if dreams die,
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.

Hold fast to dreams.
For if dreams go,
Life is a barren field
Covered with snow.

- Langston Hughes

References
Dabrowski, K. (1966). The Theory of Positive Disintegration. International Journal of Psychiatry, 2(2), 229-244.
Halsted, J. (1994). Some of My Best Friends Are Books: Guiding Gifted Readers from Pre-School through High School. Scottsdale, AZ: Gifted Psychology Press, Inc. (Formerly Ohio Psychology Press).
Webb, J. T., Meckstroth, E. A. and Tolan, S. S. (1982). Guiding the Gifted Child: A Practical Source for Parents and Teachers. Scottsdale, AZ: Gifted Psychology Press, Inc. (formerly Ohio Psychology Press).
Yalom, I. D. (1980). Existential Psychotherapy. New York: Basic Books.

- from http://www.sengifted.org/archives/articles/existential-depression-in-gifted-individual

Depressed.

Don't judge me. HAHA.

k This is the first kpop song that I like.
(all thanks to yunchang and guys blasting it in bunk every night haha)

kinda describes what a coward I am. haha.

(and junjie I know you're reading this don't judge me zzzzzzzz HAHAH)

(DONT JUDGE ME)

This week was tough.
well, mostly because I felt so depressed.
k the rest is in my journal already, so won't talk much about it now.

I'm IC for next week *dies*
hope everything will turn out well.

and I'm very stressed over my personal statement for UCAS.
can't seem to write anything. sigh.
gotta settle it fast! ):

sighhhhhhhh.

uninspired.