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Lately I have been thinking about my take on society, and people.

I felt so compelled to write about it this afternoon, but couldn't connect to the net.

And now I can't connect the dots.

I've been feeling upset about so many things you know. And it bothers me.

I seem to be the only one who is unhappy with the way people interact with each other. Now, it seems like I am the one who is the problem.

I just feel that the way everyone is behaving is not befitting of their age. They have childish squabbles, they bear grudges, they fight and quarrel over trivial matters (or at least that is what I deem trivial). Won't you just shut up already. Don't you know better than to be so insensitive to someone? Where is the courtesy and tact?

"Oh, I don't need to show respect to people like them."

And you complain that people don't treat you like a civilised human being. Of course they don't! You aren't one!

Of course, I won't deny the fact that I'm part of some of these petty fights myself.

I am as immature as everyone who participates in such childish squabbles.

But, firstly, I don't do childish things like what people do (like going around destroying people's self-esteem) and secondly, I still respect each and everyone as an individual. Yes, I don't agree with you most of the time, but you have virtues that I don't have, and I have certain attributes that makes me a different person. We just don't go well together, okay?

But since I am part of all of this (the childish squabbles), let us presume that I don't know any better, as compared to everyone else. (Maybe I really don't; that is the only reason why I'm in this shit!)

The next logical step would be to think of someone who knows better; someone who is more mature and rational who can help solve all the mess we childish people have created.

But, no one else know any better! Look at everyone around you. Does anyone know anyone better? No!

Those mature adults that we as young children thought knew better. Do they really know what is best?

The old men and women who experienced so much in the many decades they have lived. Do they know what is best?

No, they don't!

Look at the divorced couple who are fighting for their rightful share of money in what used to be their shared account, or look at the brothers who refuse to forgive each other because something that wasn't in either man's control happened 68 years ago.

Do these people know better?
No they don't!

Those mature adults whom you thought knew what was going on when you were young.. they don't know what the heck is going on! No one does!

And here we are, at the VIP seats of this freak show called life, where no one knows what the hell is going on. (We don't know if hell exists too, but that I something else to talk about)

You know how they say that we will always be children of God? Yup, well forever be childish.

And since no one actually know what is best, I have come to a conclusion that I should follow only myself.

Wisdom, strong and independent thought, that is what I want to train myself to develop. And I will do it. This only strengthened my resole not to work for anyone other than myself, and I hope this dream can cone true.

Till next time then.

Life is such a bitch. Existence is such a bane. Dad was right.

But he doesn't know any better than anyone.

straw, lollipop, whatever.

And so this is my first successful attempt in blogging on my phone.

You know, this really is one of the shittest periods of my life. 

Yes, I know that it is nothing as compared to what other people may be facing. But still, it just sucks.

Just let me rant for a little bit alright? I'll get back to my sucky life after this.

Seeing everyone do better than you, while you are stuck in some place trying to do things for people who do clearly do not appreciate your efforts.

Seeing people around me falling out with  people who mean the most to them.

And lastly, seeing everyone enjoying their lives and having company that they appreciate and whom appreciates them.

This sucks.

And I gotta suck this up.

"Are you gonna aim for gold now??"

To all those Lance Corporals and Privates and Recruits(who got retained due to OOC or some other reason) of the 2012 enlistment batch, I think I can safely say that it wasn't a good feeling watching people of your batch having their SCS-graduation parade or Commissioning parades in the past few weeks, not because of jealousy but because of that moment in Tekong when you were inches shy of that 216 or 225 mark. Because you couldn't pull that last pull up despite all those strength training you had.
I have to admit, I didn't feel good at all watching Ah Boys To Man with all that emphasis on OCS. I wanted to go there, or at the very least SCS so that I can don a white vest, hold up a sword or at least have some sort of leadership role I can learn from and BE PROUD OF.

There's still a year or so (or less for the batches who enlisted before march) to go till we ORD. Let's stop bemoaning this and that and start learning, start taking pride in what we do. Don't let SAF tell us the limits of our ability. Start picking up books, start giving more in our daily life. Start learning from the officers and sergeants, especially those who are ORDing in around 2 months time!

POP can be the sadly the ONLY highlight of your army life, OR YOU CAN ADD MORE TO THAT EXPERIENCE. You may not be part of the parades, may not puff your chest out proudly as you don on a black bar or three chevrons on your chest but you can still take pride in yourself by being the best you can in every day life. No matter what vocation you are in, no matter what kind of shit work you do(I pick up paintbrushes to paint tattered boats just for someone else's parade), YOU CAN ALWAYS DO YOURSELF PROUD IN THE THINGS YOU DO IF YOU PUT IN YOUR BEST EFFORT. BE PROUD OF YOURSELF FOR THAT.

To all the new officers and sergeants in the house, I congratulate you and hope I can learn more from you in the upcoming months to come. :) Proud of you guys.

To all the "man" serving NS,
You don't have to be in "man-mode" because it is an insult to your ability,
We are not born to follow,
Thats an insult, don't let SAF tell you your place,
Salute our superiors for they have undergone training beyond wildest imagine,
But give yourself a chance to prove your worth,
give yourself a salute for your efforts and sacrifice and time,
"Once in our life, 2 years of our time"
DO OURSELVES PROUD,
DON'T LET YOUR RANK PUT YOU DOWN,
TONIGHT IS BOOK IN NIGHT,
SO LETS HAVE A GOOD DAY IN PREPARATION FOR A MIGHTY GRAND WEEK AHEAD.

Lester you're the best (:

we shall see (:

Trinity, Newton, and all that gravitates.

Dear Pin

I regret to inform you that, after carefully considering your application, we are unable to offer you a place at Trinity College or to recommend you for further consideration in the Inter-Collegiate Pool.

I am very sorry to have to send you this disappointing news. A formal letter from Dr W.  was posted to you yesterday, Thursday 3 January. A copy has also been sent to your referee. The decision should also shortly appear on UCAS Track (http://www.ucas.ac.uk/students/track/).

Please note that it is College policy to send feedback to the school or college referee only. If you would like to know the reasons for our decision, please ask your school to contact Dr W. before the end of March 2013.

I wish you success with your other applications.

Best wishes,

Ms S.
Admissions Secretary
Trinity College
Cambridge CB2 1TQ

This reminds me of Founders back in 2009, President's Award 2011, SYF 2004, 2007, 2009, 2011, PSLE and BMT.

All of them were dreams. Good ones, big ones, albeit short ones.

I'm not disappointed, but still, I'm a little hurt.

Always making it halfway.. I'm a good half-fucker, ain't I?

I don't know what to feel anymore.
Or maybe, I should stop feeling altogether for a change.


I'm still trying to find closure.

Dad was right. Dad knows best.
I'll never make it like that.

Nope the world didn't end.

and 2013 is round the corner..

Not in the writing mood now.

I actually wrote a post during the past week on block leave, but well I decided not to post it.

Doesn't do justice to anyone or anything cause when i'm angry i don't think and I don't put things into perspective.

okay, so it is past 12 midnight and it is 31st December again.

This time last year I was up in Genting highlands, and I remembering staring at the TV in the cold and dark hotel room counting down to the new year alone. 

Out of school, free from any responsibilities.. well, it felt good.

But looking back now, this year kind of sucked.

I was reflecting on the past year, and why it sucked so much, and I figured I'm responsible for much of the unhappiness in my life.

I browsed through my archives and tried searching for the new year's resolutions last year, and I couldn't find anything.

I remembered having a list of resolutions etc, like "the need to remember birthdays" etc etc.

That was when I realised that the list of resolutions I had wasn't for this year; it was for last year.

I wasn't that much concerned with the fact that I didn't make any resolutions for this year, as compared to the fact that 2011 never really ended for me.

Certain things that I couldn't give up, I took along with me.

And these things I took with me, they became excessive emotional baggage and along the course of the year, I became so tired.

And I guess the reason why this year sucked so much for me, is also because I was rushed into it.

spent the first 2 months rushing everyday cause I was doing camps, got my A level results, and enlisted 4 days later before spending the rest of march in confinement.

It was too fast; I didn't even know what I was dealing with until I held my rifle for the first time.

Anyway, fast-forward to now, and yeah this year was pretty sucky.

If you asked me to identify the top 5 happiest moments, or even just the happiest moment, I can't give you an answer.

To be truthful, I havn't been genuinely happy this year at all.
(I guess to date, 2010 and 2011 were the only two years I really enjoyed, though there were many things that kind of made me sad too)

Sure, I would smile and everything, but I guess peace wasn't really in my heart.

I was always thinking about something, or someone.

One thing good about this year is that I didn't have much regrets either.

The only one thing I regret would be that 4cm on the SBJ map.

It would have brought me somewhere else other than CPC.

Well, I guess this is one lesson I've learnt from 2012.

I told myself that "If I don't make it, I don't."

But there was so much I could have done to make it there.

I had a stake in it, So much was at stake too.

Well, I guess I'll have to live with this mistake for the next year or so.

Anyway, resolutions? nah. more like lessons I have to keep close to my heart.

1. Don't let anyone waste your time.

Throughout this whole year, I felt that I had so much time, but had no time for anything. 

Not gonna let people waste my time like how they did this year.

which leads to the next point.

2. Say no to the right things

 self-explanatory.

3. Protect yourself. 

Not everyone is sincere about their intentions out there.

(Thank you Dom for the lesson (':)

4. Stop getting clingy.

well, you all know what happens what that happens right?

If you don't, just know that nothing good comes out of it.

5. Show more concern for others.

Just because I have to stop getting clingy, doesn't mean I have to distance myself from others.

Just know when to stop.

Throughout this whole year, I've been thinking a lot about myself.

It has been a lot about me, me, me.

Well, I guess it is mostly because I'm still adapting to my new found independence, and I'm trying hard to learn the rope. I'm still looking at what I can do and what I should do for myself, that I havn't really looked at  what i can do and have to do for others.

6. Patience and tolerance.

I've forgotten the fact that the essence of friendship isn't just having fun.
It is the ability to take the worse kind of shit from people who matter and move on without questioning.

7. Put things into perspective.

8. Relax

9. Stop being self-deluded.
no one's gonna care about you.
no one's gonna care about your self-esteem.
want to feel good about yourself? earn it.

10. Stop trusting people so easily.

11. Stop taking shit for people and from people.
cause they don't give a shit about you.
that is the reason why you're doing the shit for them.

12. stop complaining and ranting so much about things...

13. Stop being all self-important and everything.

14. Go back to being thankful for everything.

15. You have a stake in things. So interfere when things are not going the way it should be.
Wavefunction collapse, blah blah blah all that shit.

16. AND STOP ASSUMING THINGS YOU BLOODY IDIOT.

Sigh.

I'll usually say that the year ahead will be great, and I'll make full use of the time, but to be honest I'm not looking forward to the new year.

looking at the lessons I've learnt, one can deduce with 99.9999...% (456789754326 sigma) confidence level that THIS YEAR SUCKED. A LOT.
and though these lessons can be painful, I really hope they lead me to a better year.
seriously angry at so many things, and I won't be an idiot to say I'll forgive them. (I would have said that last year but nope not anymore)

2012 has turned me into such an angry person.
Not hard to believe (had a history of anger management yes I know), but THIS FEELING SUCKS.

I must thank everyone who made this year slightly more bearable.
Well, you guys know who you are (:

not looking forward to 2013 cause I know it won't be a easy year.

Well. lets make it as painless, and as fast as possible.