It is just a ride.

It is just a ride.

And in the end it won't matter.

Soul.

Still one of the videos that had the most influence on me.

Choose your knots carefully.

A quick one before I book in.

Just got back from helping to furnish Mdm Ang's house. (went with people from BBHQ - they needed help)
(Mdm Ang and her family appreared on TV a few times I think - renovaid and etc programmes)

There was a lot of bed bugs there, but the pest control company killed them.
Hope they don't come back.

But didn't do much actually. Not a lot of help was needed hahaha.

I had the chance to talk with Mdm Ang's daughter.
She is a little different - in the sense that she sort of lost touch of reality.
They said she was mentally unsound.

She wanted some one to talk to her, the others sortta pushed me to her (haha)

And well, we talked.

She is very alert.
She could remember Ms Koh and me (our names), how old my parents were, how many siblings I have (mentioned them briefly), and she even corrected me when I remembered my dad's age wrongly.
and I still can't remember her name.
(so much more alert than me right)

well, she is really so much more alert than me.
She just lost touch with reality I guess.

The conversations in between her taking a smoke, kinda made me sad.
She talked so much about what happened to her life (her ex-husband, her going to woodbridge, going to jail, setting fire to her own house) (SIGH)
and I thought of how anyone of us could be in their situation.

I realised that the only difference between her and I, is that we are born to different families, in a different time.

And I recalled this facebook status from a certain friend.

When I thought listening to what others have to say is tedious, it struck me that hearing what isn't being said is one level up.

I listened to what she had to say, and I felt sad.
But I felt worse when I thought about what she didn't say.
She never mentioned anything that made her happy.

She kept saying that she wanted her mum to just 'go'.
You know, die.
she wanted her mum to die peacefully.
she kept saying that she had no means to take care of her, didn't know how to, etc etc.

But she did say she loved her mum when I asked her if she did.
And I guess that was the only thing that kept her going.

the only other thing she wanted, was for me to stay and listen to her and her past; her story.

well, I really don't know how I should feel.
especially when I had to leave.

of course, I have to move on with my life (is that a dilemma every social worker faces? -  we can't do everything for them; we can only help them to a certain limit.)
but still, I really hoped to have the chance to stay on and help untie her knots and solve her problems.

Is that what loneliness does to you?

Forelsket.

I had so many things on my mind the past week.
Been staring at the screen, wanting to write them down, but poof they went and disappeared into thin air.

not sure if that is good.
But nah those thought don't matter I guess.
trivial and insignificant musings lol. _________________________________________________________

Anyway, I had this dream which I remembered so clearly. (though I cant remember much now ): )
I don't usually remember dreams, but it left such a deep impression on me.

I don't usually remember dreams.
_________________________________________________________
 I was on a bus in the late evening.
The sky had so many shades of blue.

The interior of the bus was all white, and I was standing near the door.
The lights changed colour all of the sudden and the walls became yellow, and I heard someone call for me.

It was all yellow.

Before I could turn behind, the person walked in front of me.
It was a girl. yes, a GIRL. (yes that was my reaction)
 I don't know how to describe her, but she was just real pretty.

That is all I can remember - long hair, small eyes (the pretty type of small), pretty features, and soft voice with a firm tone.

She smiled.

And she said, "Hi, my name is Cheryl."

I wanted to say hi back, to wave back at her or something, but I stayed rooted to the ground.
I couldn't move. I was paralysed.

"What is your number?"

"********."

"I'll see you 9.30am tomorrow morning for breakfast?"

She smiled, and she alighted the bus.
Her smile was pretty.

 The doors closed, and the walls turned blue. and I woke up. _________________________________________________________

Well, don't judge me.
 I was very happy though cause that was the first time someone actually asked me out for a breakfast date haha. (well too bad it isn't real.) and before you think that I'm falling in love with a virtual character I made up in my head, sorry I'm not.

I couldn't breathe when she talked to me.
not sure if because she was talking to me, or because I didn't know how to react and stopped everything I was doing. (including breathing)

Well, the dream reminded me of the time when a person first meets someone, and becomes curious about them. And the thought of being together strikes him.

It isn't falling in love per se I guess, but I guess it is close.

Forelsket (Danish): The euphoria you experience when you are first falling in love.

And after I woke up I started thinking about people whom gave me that feeling before.
and I started thinking again.

Well, it is a good feeling.
_________________________________________________________

This post isn't turning out the way I expected it to.
haha nah doesn't matter.

watched hellboy 2, the pursuit of happyness and inception during duty on friday.
Pursuit of happyness was good. (:
Made me realise how hard it is for people to make it big.

So many hours, so many days, so many sleepless nights.
So many disappointments, so many heartbreaks.

 and here I am doing nothing with my life.

oh well.

2.23am.

Gotta sleep.

Something that speaks true.

I feel that I am letting everyone down.

_____________________________________________________


Hanged out with titus and the guys yesterday.
sort of impromptu but since I was free I went to meet with them.
Talked a little bit about their various vocations and yeah I'm really glad I'm in the air force.
GBAD has a shit life but it is not the worst so I guess I should be thankful?
(other vocations being recce, engineers and infantry HAHA)

Things are going well in camp (I guess?)
Started duties, split into platoons, and changing bunks the next week.
Got promoted (LCP nia lol), and watched our seniors ORD-ed.
well, just one more year.
One more year to do all that I want to do.

Well, got reminded of old stuff again.
Its normal, isn't it?
I mean.. who doesn't get reminded about old stuff buried at the back of your head after talking to old friends?

Scrolled through my archives on facebook yesterday night and I realised that if facebook were to die one day, so much of my memories would die with it.
Oh social media.

Have been attempting to do a self-awareness check and I realised that I don't know so much about myself.
I did realise that I am still the same person I was years ago; I havn't changed much.
Does this console? Should it? Does it? I don't know. hahah.
_______________________________________________________

I've been thinking about my inability to write as fluently as other people, and realised that I have a few issues that I really need to address.

1. Lack of exposure.
Yes, it is true that there is no need for one to have a huge vocabulary bank to write well.
However, my vocabulary is too limited for me to express my ideas.

2. Lack of personal touch and style
This includes my lack in confidence in my own writing as well.

3. Inability to identify with my senses and feelings.
Maybe I let them slip me by too often or maybe I let them linger around for too long without grasping them.

4. Inability to be perfectly honest with myself.
Well, I am too stubborn. (But is it really THAT bad?)
Maybe I lack the courage, or maybe it is because I have no reason to be honest; no one to be honest with.
well, not an excuse.

5. My lack of imagination.
SIGH.

oh well.

__________________________________________________

I'm not putting enough effort to spend time with family.

My dad has been giving too much attention. (so much that I'm getting a little uncomfortable)

I used to complain that he doesn't understand me etc etc, but these days he has been trying to talk to me etc etc.

He comes into my room once every hour and talks to me about SCIENCE.

can you believe it? Science!!! Defence Science, mechanics, chemistry, earth sciences, material sciences, physics, environmental biology... EVERYTHING.

And while I appreciate his efforts to understand why I am so interested in science, I am getting a little uncomfortable about it cause I cannot do what I want since he always interrupts me while I am doing other stuff.

But I guess it is good huh.

I do disagree with what he says half the time, but it does makes me think why certain things are the way they are etc.

he has several factual errors, but he does have insights to things which I don't.

so, I have much to learn huh.

I do feel bad about it cause I'll subconsciously give the 'uninterested' look (cause I'm focused on something else and don't like to be interrupted) but I really appreciate it.

So thanks dad (:

heh.

___________________________________________________________

I was supposed to clean my room, but procrastinated again.

OH WELL.

next week then. haha.