omg stressed ttm.

chem chem chem.

for elim.
really.

蝴蝶飞

this movie is so annoying sad.

Lost Halcyon Days.

happened to chance upon some of the emails that I exchanged with a certain someone.
haha kind of miss him as a classmate.

glad to see that his blog is back up and running.

was feeling horrible last night.
can't let go of my past mistakes, can't forgive myself.
sometimes it ain't my fault, we're all pawns of circumstances.
but still..

made too many mistakes, gave too many chances, lost too many friendships, let go of too many convictions.

I let it all slip by.

should stop thinking so much eh.

ending off with a quote from his blog:

"Lastly, life got better this year, despite some fucked up things and people. I won't talk about the kind of darkness i used to live in and how bleak my mental state used to be now. But i'll just end off being thankful that i've stepped out of most of it.

I used the word "most". Because no one can ever completely step out of darkness."

I thought I grew out of the darkness.
but it looks like it has always been at the back of my mind.

it scary how it consumes me once in a while.

okay.
back to studying!

Checklist

Saw this checklist somewhere.
haha so decided to check myself against it.

1. Compare your ex to someone new and feel relieved
2. Compare your ex to someone new and feel regret
3. Go on a terrible date that convinces you that you’ll be alone forever
4. Go on a series of promising dates and tell your friends this “might be it”
5. Let the holidays serve as a reminder of the last time you had someone to spend them with
6. Spend the night drinking and dancing and kissing; walk home at 6 AM and feel content to be alone with the sunrise
7. Listen to love songs that remind you of no one; feel indifferent about feeling indifferent
8. Listen to songs that remind you of the past and cry in the fetal position
9. Be enough for yourself
10. Do the things your past relationships discouraged; be the person your past relationships suppressed
11. Feel woefully behind and kind of nervous every time a friend gets engaged
12. Forget how hard it is to watch your relationship dissolve when doling out advice
13. Get defensive when your relationship non-status becomes a topic of conversation at Thanksgiving
14. Sleep diagonal because you can
15. Feel high after a successful first date
16. Wonder if you can fall in love with someone despite the absence of an initial spark
17. Make out with someone for no reason other than you’re both single and attractive
18. Date people who are completely wrong for you because you clearly don’t know who’s right for you
19. Get drunk and mentally forgive people your sober mind can’t absolve
20. Discover one day that you’ve stopped looking and started living; let that make you smile

so far, i've "accomplished" 2, 3, 5, 6(not the drinking and kissing part though ahha), 8, 9, 16, 18, and maybe 20.

1. Compare your ex to someone new and feel relieved
2. Compare your ex to someone new and feel regret
I mean like, I can do 2 but not 1, cause I mean a loss is a loss, and who in the right mind will feel relieved losing something good.
This could have been true if I managed to get away from something bad, but if I had something that I disliked about someone I won't even fall in love with her, and she won't be my ex.
so yup as far as i'm concerned now 2 is more valid for me than 1 as of now.

3. Go on a terrible date that convinces you that you’ll be alone forever.
still remember that time.
haha feel quite lost in everything that happened that time.
don't even know whats happening.
could have been because I was more shy and all that time, but still...
its a pity and a loss I wasn't more outspoken that time.

5. Let the holidays serve as a reminder of the last time you had someone to spend them with.
(:

6. Spend the night drinking and dancing and kissing; walk home at 6 AM and feel content to be alone with the sunrise
I like walking home alone at 6am.
haha.
and I sort of like it when I stay up on my own accord and feel the night breeze.
like how the cold night changes into the morning.

8. Listen to songs that remind you of the past and cry in the fetal position.
not fetal position, but sometimes I still remember how I used to feel.
upset and everything.
sore about losing and everything.
oh well, time to grow up and let live.

9. Be enough for yourself.
I'm enough for myself as of now.
just a but too lazy for my own good (:

13. Get defensive when your relationship non-status becomes a topic of conversation at Thanksgiving
In fact, the opposite has been happening.
I get defensive when people claim that I like someone.
oh well.

16. Wonder if you can fall in love with someone despite the absence of an initial spark.
Thats whats happening now.
haha.
should I elaborate more?

17. Make out with someone for no reason other than you’re both single and attractive
dude I'm not attractive.

18. Date people who are completely wrong for you because you clearly don’t know who’s right for you.
happened last time, and maybe now. ahha.
but never date ahhh I tell you hahaha.

19. Get drunk and mentally forgive people your sober mind can’t absolve.
drunk with what? If being drunk on living counts, then maybe yes.
forgave someone before because life gave me so much more than he took away.

20. Discover one day that you’ve stopped looking and started living; let that make you smile
as of now, yes (:
quite happy about everything haha.

But, I've never been able to say I've done 7.
I can never feel indifferent about feeling indifferent.
we all got to feel something right, one way or another.
so when you don't feel anything something has to be wrong.
and I can't be indifferent when I have a problem with myself (or my conscious that is.)

oh well, what am I doing here???
gahhhh.

study lah don't be lazy.

What would you want to remember?

"The sound of the ocean, captured in a shell; like a memory. Imagine if it held something different; something more than just the sound,but just as real. And what if we had the chance to remmeber something that we actually never experienced?"

I would want to remember the first time I saw you.
I would want to remember your eyes, your hair, your smile.
I would want to remember all the messages we exchanged.
I would want to remember all the glances we stole.
I would want to remember laughter.

And, I would want to remember how its like, falling in love.

looks like I've forgotten how.