sometimes I take things for granted.

still smiling even though sometimes I'm close to tears.

I need to start work.

Time to change url as well huh.
need to put the past behind me.

shall continue with 30 days since I have the time now.
___________________________________________________________________________
To my Parents

I know this letter is way overdue. If you havn't noticed already, I've been avoiding this letter. I really don't know what to write. Its like, I don't know how I should feel about everything, including how I should feel towards the two of you, and you.
I know sometimes I take things for granted, but its only because I don't know what it means to be thankful, what it means to love. I'll try to change, but give me some time.

Dear mum, even though I know you won't read this (I really hope you don't), I wanna thank you for all you've done. There's really nothing much I can do to repay you huh.
Waking me up everyday, doing the chores, cooking my meals, ironing my stuff, checking on me in the middle of the night, and even putting down your pride sometimes when its not even your fault. I know I havn't been the best son, but still I'll try my best. I know that most of the decisions are for our good and I really hope that despite getting frustrated about how thrifty you can sometimes be, I will learn a lot from you as well. Please understand that I'm still learning, including how to be more patient.

Dear dad, I think i'm growing up to become more like you. most people might say that you are skeptical and all and I don't think anyone will understand your life. I know that deep down inside, you have a lot of scars, much more than I have. I really hope that deep down inside, your heart hasn't harderned like mine, and I really hope that God will do wonders for you. Even though you are pretty nonsensical most of the time and most of the time I cannot stand it, I must admit that I inherited a lot of your nonsense and learnt a lot from you. I know I'm starting to become skeptical as well, but yeah lets embrace what this world has for us together yeah. I havn't been the best son to you as well, and despite you trying to teach me some stuff, sometimes I'm just so stubborn and I refuse to listen. I really hope that somehow, I'll learn to be humble, and I'll learn how to relate to you better.

I know the two of you havn't been in the best of health, but there's nothing much I can really do. I can only leave it up to God (I know I havn't been praying as frequently as I should, but I'm still skeptical about everything, including the power of prayer.) Hope you two live to a ripe old age. I really don't know what I'll do if you two were to disppear from my life suddenly. I know this sounds selfish, but I really want you two to stay on earth as long as possible to be with me.

I really wanna say those three words but I really don't know what it means to love.
And even though I don't know what it really means to be thankful as well, all I can say for now is "thank you both". "thank you" is the only thing I can say.

As for you father up there, I know I'm the most twisted and wretched person you have ever seen. deep down inside, there is so much frustration, so much anger, so much hatred, so much negative emotion that my heart has harderned already. I have so much lust and desire in me that causes me to sin again and again. But still, I remain unharmed by satan's ways, because of your grace. I really don't know what I should do really. I'm so skeptical of everything and I don't know what it means to trust anymore. I no longer feel assured. Its not because I worry, its because I cannot find peace. There's so much conflict within me everyday, so much sadness I really don't know how to express myself. I really don't know what to do now, I feel so helpless. I hope that you can help me get out of this struggle. Maybe this is a stage whereby I will grapple with my sins. I really don't know. I need guidiance, and I hope that you can help me. Help me find joy, help me find peace and help me find love.

Sometimes, I really wonder if its FCBC's failure to follow up that caused me to become like that. Or was it circumstances, or was it just me, my very own nature? or is this all a test that you have set to test my faith that I have failed terribly.

I don't need answers. All I need, is for you to help me become more humble, less hypocritical, and help me become more joyful, and in the process, less skeptical.

for all the days where you have made beautiful, I really thank you.
really, thank you.

I don't know how I can thank you other by praising you and working in the bb ministry.
However, I don't think I'm helping much.
All I hope is that you are happy with what i've done.

All I need now, is peace, for both everyone around me and myself.

Thank you to the three of you.
from your prodigal son who is underserving of your forgivness and grace.

something good! :))))

Thank God really.

we shall see :)

And now they're gone and you wished you could give them everything.

I was thinking about you, thinking about me.
Thinking about us, what we were going to be.

Open my eyes, it was only just a dream.

So I travel back, down that road.
Will she come back? No one knows.
I realize, it was only just a dream.

feel miserable.

2. Crush.

I guess, life gets better after the shit is over. haha.

anyway, i got to get strarted on work!
must get motivated!

Paper work for President's and NYAA Gold must start soon also!
WOO!

I'm so glad I attended cell on friday!
Shared with Sir kumfai and the rest about me cheating during pe lesson and they laughed about it hahahaha.

"If I were you I would have done the same thing!"

haha.
guess I have to stand firm on my feet from now on and not be swayed by peer pressure.

was so tired that i slept from 7am to 7pm!
went back to sleep and was late for church today!
oops hahahahaha.

anyway, I shall conutinue with 30 letters that I promised.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
To you,

I don't really know how to start this letter. I'm not even sure if I should be writing this to you, cause I'm not even sure if I like you.
maybe its because you're always so quiet when we're together and I don't really know much about you.
I know usually I talk a lot but I'm not sure if you know about me though. but that doesn't matter right? at least not for now. hahaha.

You know how conincidences always occur? like for the two of them and you?
How we live only one block apart but we're so 'far apart'?
How we used to be from the same tuition center but never talked at all?

sometimes I just feel so lost.
I don't know if you'll become another mistake.
I don't dare to take the first step, I'm afraid to open up.
I'm afraid to start liking you.

not that I don't love the way you are.
I know you're a great person and all, but still...

thats the truth for you.

I think (not believe, cause I'm still pretty much or very unsure) that God is the way and the truth, but He commands that two must be of same faith to be in one flesh.
Thats also why I'm afraid.
I don't want to be disconnected from the church.

I know that I used to believe and I want my faith back. I don't want to stray anymore. I'm trying hard to believe again, but its hard.
Maybe because my heart has hardened already, but still, I want you to know about the good news.
I want us to grow togther in spirit. I want us to grow old together.
I want us to be happy.

I want the two of us to be in heaven after we die.

Thank God the sermons for the next 3 months are on evangelism.
Hope I can grow and hopefully, you can know about Him as well.

Four more months of akward practices, nine more months of akward bus rides and conversations.

And we shall see how :)

love you.

FUCKED UP LIFE THIS IS.
I FEEL TERRIBLE.

I NEED HELP.

PLEASE, THINK THE NEXT TIME YOU ACT.
YOU'RE SO STUPID.

INTEGRITY, VALUES.
THINK LAH YOU STUPID FUCKED UP GUY WHO LIKES SCREWING YOUR OWN LIFE UP.















All I need now, is forgiveness.


I need to forgive myself.