5. To my Dreams

Hi, I'm back.

Realised I havn't touched 30 letters for 4 months.

The last one was supposed to be on my siblings but I didn't know how to write it.
So I have been thinking about it these few months.

Decided to write a short one and publish them at the time they were supposed to be published. haha.
__________________________________________________________
To my dreams.

apt timing for this letter eh.

I don't really know which 'dream' I should talk about, so I'll do both.
haha.

The dreams that I have when I'm asleep is a relatively accurate reflection of what I think deep down.
What I think of my life right now and everything.

And in it, I dream of being with you.
I didn't sleep until 6am this morning because I was listening to this lecture on the western philosophy of love by MIT on youtube.
looks like I can be in love without falling in love haha.
oh well. we'll see how it works out.

you're not replying my message ):

As for you, the dreams I have when I'm awake, I think its actually quite impossible to achieve.

I want to become a teacher, and I was reading up on the moe scholarships and nus scholarships.
However, I talked about it with my mum this morning but got shot down by her.

I don't understand why she thinks its so bad being a teacher.
sigh.
will think carefully about it.

The other dream I have is quite academic as well.
I want to get a Phd in Physics and teach in a university.
I want to be the one to solve the unanswerable questions in physics and unify quantum physics with relativity.
I want to link M-theory with the Many World's Intepretation.
I want to be the one who will unify Religion and Science.
And I think I have something in my head.
but can't work it out as of yet.

But, I can't even grasp basic maths and physics at A levels.
I don't think i will have a chance to pursue physics overseas.
And I'm not exactly a believer anymore ever since i've backslided.
so, we'll see how.
I think God will have a purpose for me. But I'm not even certain if he exists.
so contradictory and.. ironic.
Why am I so scared of uncertainties?

As for the third dream I have, its to meet someone special.
I guess its everyone's dream.
But I can't even love myself, how can I love someone else?

And somehow I hope that someone special is you.
even though I'm still uncertain about this feeling I have everytime I see you.

Like how Richard Feynman puts it, "I can live with doubt and uncertainty, and not knowing. I think it is much more interesting to live not knowing, than have answers which might be wrong."

my favourite quote from him. haha.

looks like I have to be more optimistic.
uncertainty makes life.. interesting. haha.

oh well.
lets see how I can work towards you.

yours truly.
________________________________________

okay. back to studying.

physical geog paper was alright.
but can't say the same for human (next tuesday)

wish me luck!

Now its history.

I'm tired.

I'm just tired.

winner takes it all.

hi.

Watched X men with the JJ Leona and Bree on thursday and it was fabulous.
haha. liked the story line.

life sucks pretty much now cause I want to study but I'm doing it so slowly and I feel so unmotivated.
wait till the stress gets to me. sigh.

Have been looking at Feynman's lecture series.
He is a really intelligent man. awe inspiring. really.

feel so inferior to him.

I feel like shit now.
spoiled my day lah knn.
can't understand why some people say stuff the way they do.

sigh.

I've been trying to figure out the meaning to this song for a very long time.

I still can't figure anything out.

Or maybe I can.

What is this.

There's a certain sadness that's been hingeing on for quite a while now. I'm not sure what it is, really, or why the sadness even comes about. Perhaps m being too polite here. But I miss so many people i can't believe how much it's affecting me. Like in basketball trainings now. It used to be such a team effort, we'd get on by together. We ran together and learned set plays together. We had gatherings together regardless of the certain hierarchy that always plagues sports teams. I don't know why but with the new academic year and the departure of the seniors, everything's evolved to such immense competition between one another. I don't know why singularity is so prominent in a team sport. And I don't know why I go to trainings feeling so sad and alone. But then again it's probably just me, because most of the team, if not everyone, seem happy with how things are the way they are now.


Maybe the sadness doesn't come from trainings, but rather the realization of fading friendships, ones I've cultivated over the years, not by myself but an effort of both. The other day, our care person, or form teacher, was sharing a story with us about a friend who was too needy. The friend couldn't understand why she didn't have time for her anymore, because our care person had just taken up a new and demanding job, thus had lesser time to spend with the friend, who couldnt understand the situation and ended up confronting the care person. It was at that point that my care person realised that the friendship should end, because something in that bond was broken. Although now they still talk every now and then, things can't be revertedto how things were before, because trust is gone, and the mutual understanding is gone. Then she asked the class, if we've had any such experiences. The class was silent, as it always was, but somehow I had a feeling we've all been through it before.

Somehow or rather when she asked us that question, my mind floated to a particular friend. We were once so close we were like sisters. People said we looked alike, with me being the older of the two. We had frequent HTHs and we had frequent arguments as well, but the latter always made us stronger. But then with many arguments a turning point came and, although it's unfair to say, I think I felt tired. It was an argument about trust, and I've always had trust issues. Eventually, a few months later we made up, because she was and still is an important friend in my life. But it's never the same now, as compared to how it used to be. We can't have HTHs the way we used to, and we can't take pictures the way we used to, strange to say. A part of me feels forced, and a part of me feels sorry. I do miss the times we've shared, and I hate for not being able to reciprocate the excellent friendship she's been giving. Something's missing, and I don't know what it is, no I don't know what it is, as John Mayer sings. Perhaps one day things will change. Maybe one day I'll be reminded.

- from http://friedmummy.blogspot.com/