hi.

Watched X men with the JJ Leona and Bree on thursday and it was fabulous.
haha. liked the story line.

life sucks pretty much now cause I want to study but I'm doing it so slowly and I feel so unmotivated.
wait till the stress gets to me. sigh.

Have been looking at Feynman's lecture series.
He is a really intelligent man. awe inspiring. really.

feel so inferior to him.

I feel like shit now.
spoiled my day lah knn.
can't understand why some people say stuff the way they do.

sigh.

I've been trying to figure out the meaning to this song for a very long time.

I still can't figure anything out.

Or maybe I can.

What is this.

There's a certain sadness that's been hingeing on for quite a while now. I'm not sure what it is, really, or why the sadness even comes about. Perhaps m being too polite here. But I miss so many people i can't believe how much it's affecting me. Like in basketball trainings now. It used to be such a team effort, we'd get on by together. We ran together and learned set plays together. We had gatherings together regardless of the certain hierarchy that always plagues sports teams. I don't know why but with the new academic year and the departure of the seniors, everything's evolved to such immense competition between one another. I don't know why singularity is so prominent in a team sport. And I don't know why I go to trainings feeling so sad and alone. But then again it's probably just me, because most of the team, if not everyone, seem happy with how things are the way they are now.


Maybe the sadness doesn't come from trainings, but rather the realization of fading friendships, ones I've cultivated over the years, not by myself but an effort of both. The other day, our care person, or form teacher, was sharing a story with us about a friend who was too needy. The friend couldn't understand why she didn't have time for her anymore, because our care person had just taken up a new and demanding job, thus had lesser time to spend with the friend, who couldnt understand the situation and ended up confronting the care person. It was at that point that my care person realised that the friendship should end, because something in that bond was broken. Although now they still talk every now and then, things can't be revertedto how things were before, because trust is gone, and the mutual understanding is gone. Then she asked the class, if we've had any such experiences. The class was silent, as it always was, but somehow I had a feeling we've all been through it before.

Somehow or rather when she asked us that question, my mind floated to a particular friend. We were once so close we were like sisters. People said we looked alike, with me being the older of the two. We had frequent HTHs and we had frequent arguments as well, but the latter always made us stronger. But then with many arguments a turning point came and, although it's unfair to say, I think I felt tired. It was an argument about trust, and I've always had trust issues. Eventually, a few months later we made up, because she was and still is an important friend in my life. But it's never the same now, as compared to how it used to be. We can't have HTHs the way we used to, and we can't take pictures the way we used to, strange to say. A part of me feels forced, and a part of me feels sorry. I do miss the times we've shared, and I hate for not being able to reciprocate the excellent friendship she's been giving. Something's missing, and I don't know what it is, no I don't know what it is, as John Mayer sings. Perhaps one day things will change. Maybe one day I'll be reminded.

- from http://friedmummy.blogspot.com/

so tired and confused.
I really don't know what I want lah.

everything really feels wrong you know.
like i'm making use of you.
a substitute.

but sometimes this voice inside me screams for you.

idk lah.

everything is just so wrong.

):

Pirates of the carribean was good.
oh well.

I woke up this morning feeling so afraid.

Afraid that I'll lose everything.